Hello
HurtBrooklynI've been reading your posts and want to say...welcome on board fellow Grandmother.
I know only too well what you are going through and it is hell. It is heart-breaking to have one's own child turn away from them. It is so much worse to be denied a relationship with one's grandchildren. Those words "heart ache" were just words until it started to happen to me and then I found that the heart actually can/does ache.
We are currently in the 5th year of being estranged from our daughter and our grandchildren. One difference between you and I, though, is our ages. I am well advanced in age...my daughter is in her mid-50's...my grandchildren now 29/31.
We helped raise those 2 loves-of-our-lives because of all the drama that encompases our daughter's life. They used to fly into our arms but as they grew older and one estrangement followed another they learned to take sides...their mother's. Such is one of the traits of a person with BPD...you are either with them or against them. Consequently, neither grandchild has a relationship with us...nor with either of their fathers and those families...and to top it off, they don't like each other. That is the saddest part of our saga! Another difference in our stories is that while your daughter/grandchild live far away, my daughter lives within a few blocks of me so there are times when our paths do cross in this little community.
Gotta tell you, before I found this forum...this outlet for my hurts...I had fallen into a black hole of utter despair. It seemed that I was always crying...even waking in the middle of the night to cry. Well, here I am now learning to look after me and reaching out to others...especially grandparents. I see that you are doing that already...offering support to other parents who are hurting.
It is a touchy thing to give advice because all situations are different...but...I will follow
Swimmy55 is suggesting that you allow some space to happen between you and your daughter. You know for yourself if you say "no" to someone, it irks to have them keep asking. By not respecting your daughter's "leave-me-alone" you could just be adding fuel to her fire. That is not to say you shouldn't send Christmas/birthday/etc. wishes...but nothing in those contacts to indicate that a response is expected.
Bottom line, HurtBrooklyn, it is YOU who has to change...and you have certainly come to the right place to find the resources and support to get you on your way...learn how to better deal with your daughter's BPD behaviours. With that said, there is no guarantee that all will ever mend with your daughter...but...your happiness should not pivot on what is happening in that segment of your life...work on bringing the sunshine into the other segments. A mother is always a mother, though. The heart-strings will always be tugged.
So, once again, welcome. From one Grandmother to another...a ((HUG)
. Here is to better days for both of us.
Huat