BPD Spouse Splits and demonizes me

[Indigo15]

Hi all! I’m new to the forum and happy to be here. I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years with a man who was diagnosed with BPD roughly 2 years ago. We have both gone to therapy for 2 years and I’m exhausted. The last he split was this past weekend. Ive been feeling down lately and we have not been having sex regularly. COVID has flat lined his emotions. He has gained weight and has little interest in anything. I had a moment and said ‘do you want to be with me?’ (Mistake, I know but I’m human) He went on a rant - starting with ‘not really’ I’m not sure if it’s COVID or you but  having sex with other women would be new and exciting. He said he’s bored with having sex with me, it’s monotonous. He is sick of our life (living with my kids - second marriage - two dogs and a cat - he has two college age kids) and on and on he went tearing apart me and  our life for the bazillionth - a week before he said that my body is starting to sag so I better hurry up and find somebody else... each time he apologizes afterwards and acts like a lost puppy. How do I survive this? I have feeling two and the things that fly out of his mouth when he has a mood swing or a split are beyond atrocious. I am left anxious and depressed for days wondering how I allowed this into my life . I intellectually understand BPD - therapy and books and blogs have taught me so much - but how on earth do I protect my heart from breaking each time the man who should protect me is the one hurting me.

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[WorriedHusband]

Welcome to the site. 

I want you to know you are not alone.  My wife has cut me down and insulted me in the worst possible ways.  It is very hurtful and hard to deal with at times.  I didn't realize that my wife has uBPD until after she just up and left for basically nothing 5 weeks ago.  I think being diagnosed and accepting of the diagnosis seems to be some of the best things because then they can be treated.  My wife is actually a therapist, go figure, and I am certain that she would not go to therapy. 

Your husband has been treated in therapy for 2 years for BPD, correct?  Any progress?

[Indigo15]

Thanks! He got laid off from his job last November and stopped therapy as a result. Progress? Yes slow progress - he understands himself better and is more remorseful after a split/episode but nothing seems to help the splitting; the verbal and emotional abuse; except my reaction to it. I highly recommend therapy for yourself. Truthfully, it’s more important than therapy for them.
It’s not abnormal for your wife to have sought a career in psychotherapy - many people with mental illness gravitate to it because they feel at home in that type of profession and have a knack for helping others. Unfortunately BPD folks have the biggest issue with interpersonal relationships because of their own fear of abandonment - the whole ‘I hate you don’t leave me’ mode or unfortunately the flight mode that seems to be a part of their psychological makeup.

[WorriedHusband]

Funny you should say that. I actually got into therapy last Friday.  He was the one that told me my wife is likely uBPD.   He opened the DSM5 to the BPD page.  She actually has all 9 of the diagnostic criteria. 

About a month before she left she had a patient that was really getting under her skin.  Guess what her diagnosis was?  BPD!  My wife said to me, “I hate working with personality disorder patients.  You can’t help them.”

[Indigo15]

Good for you! Therapy is the best thing for you. I was so focused on him that I forgot to care for myself. For a time I was so twisted up in the emotional abuse, I forgot about me. Therapy dug me out of that hole... so to speak.
Oh geez, the patient was better off finding another therapist then.. guess it hurt to look in the mirror. :-/

[WorriedHusband]

Indigo15,
Im truly sorry for what you are going through.  If it’s anything like my wife she can say the most vile and hateful things.  It’s just awful going through this.

Is your husband able to back and forth between painting you black and white or have you just gone to black remain there?  Did therapy help him to see any grey area?

[Indigo15]

Oh it’s a veritable flip flop.. one day he’s in love and I’m the greatest... the next I’m a whore and worthless ... it’s the epitome of emotional / verbal abuse. It’s a recurring nightmare ...

[Indigo15]

Therapy helped him with seeing the big picture afterwards... it does not stop the splitting. It has taught me how to recognize the split (sometimes) so I can exit the conversation and not face the abuse. But it’s hard to tell when he splits sometimes. I’m learning ... but not sure if it’s worth my emotional pain anymore

[WorriedHusband]

Thank you for responding.  It’s so hard living like this.  It love someone so much and then to put up with the psychological, verbal, and physical abuse is just crushing.  I keep thinking that if I could just show her how much I love her she would let go of these anxieties and thoughts, but it doesn’t work that way.  They can’t see from anyone else’s point of view.  The emotions are the facts to them.

The constant back and forth love/hate is how the past 6 mths have been with my wife then starting in September I started to wake up in the mornings in the black territory then she left, blocked me, and filed for divorce.  I wonder if I will ever be seen as white again.  

I would give anything if she would just talk to me and agree to treatment.  Then maybe she could see grey.  

[Indigo15]

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Soul crushing is the perfect term. I’m in a phase now where he has gained some weight because of COVID and he is bored because of COVID and hasn’t wanted to be intimate - mostly because he falls in and out of depression... somehow this sparks his rejection sensitivity and I get pummeled with his abuse. He says it would be better if we just sold the house - I would have more fun being single and having sex with other women. Devalues me and makes me feel worthless..

[Indigo15]

I do believe recognizing they have BPD helps them coming back to reality. After the onslaught yesterday, we had a calm conversation where he was the most vulnerable he has ever been - he explained why he was hurt without being abusive. Of course, the damage was already done, I feel awful and barely slept.  I need to go back to therapy ... my therapist helps me identify ways to talk to him and recognize when I should exit the conversation before it goes black.
However, he has never left... so I can’t really help with any advise there. When his flight response is triggered he just babbles about leaving and sleeping with other women... but hasn’t acted on it - after and hour or so, he usually comes back. There is a spectrum of BPD and nobody is cookie cutter.

[WorriedHusband]

We actually sold her house earlier this year because we were moving for work to another area about 3 1/2 hours away.  That was the major game changer. She blames me for selling that house and us moving. It just spiraled down from there. 

I hate that your husband has been treating you that way. My wife the same.  Should would get angry and talk about our sex life to put me down.  Last year during our only major breakup period she slept with someone else who I had thought to have been a friend.  That just devastated me, but I accepted it and we got back together.  During the last 6 mths she got made one time and really threw in my face what kind of terrible lover I am and I never please her. She insinuated that the sex with this other person was better.  It just crushed my soul. 

This Covid thing has been a game changer too. Maybe you could get your husband to pick up a hobby or go on a diet together or start walking together. I have successfully done those types of things with my wife.  I will admit I couldn’t get her to join me in any hobbies.

[Indigo15]

Wow! It’s like we are living parallel lives - he verbally broke up with me again; saying our sex life sucked for 3 years :-/ when do you stop the pain? I’m trying to unravel all of this but my anxiety is through the roof. I get that it’s not me it’s him/BPD.. but it doesn’t stop the pain. Sometimes I think ending it is the only way to have a fulfilling life. He says the most pointed, personally hateful things... I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle it. The sex drama is more about them and their own issues with intimacy.. he recently told me he wants to break up with me so he can go have threesomes... after he came down from his hurtful spiral of making me feel worthless and not enough... I talked to him about intimacy versus vapid sex ... it’s not an easy topic to explore with them. He is back to a sweet loving phase now, but I am sick to my stomach.. constant pain in my chest .. I want off the roller coaster but I’m afraid.

[WorriedHusband]

Indigo, I hear you. I understand and I think most people here do too. The thing about BPD is that the stories sound so similar.  It’s really crazy to me how pwBPD all suffer the same fears and tend to act the same.  I can’t give you any advice.  I am not doing well right now.  I haven’t seen my wife in almost 6 weeks and I’m an emotional basket case. I do know that I love my wife dearly and I want us to work on this.  She is uBPD, but shows all 9 criteria.  I think there seems so be 2 groups of people on these boards.  Those that are trying/wanting to make it work and many who just say to leave.   I do think the vast majority of the leave crowd is bf/gf pwBPD.  To me that is different than marriage.

But we all have to realize that at some point we might be best to leave.  I guess it depends on all the factors taken into account.

Are you or your husband a veteran? If so they could help with therapy

[Indigo15]

Agreed... marriage is VASTLY different than dating in the world of BPD. I want to make it work, but I’m in recovery mode at the moment and I am an emotional basket case as well. After each split, I am broken and need time to repair and care for me.
Pardon the words, the feelings are much different. I too love him dearly.
Have you spoken to her at all?

[WorriedHusband]

I have not spoken to her in the last month.  That is when she blocked me every way possible.  I did notice yesterday on Pinterest that she unblocked me, but I am not going to message her there just yet. I guess I just wait and leave the ball in her court

[Indigo15]

I’m sorry. I have not been through that and cannot offer any advice. I’m looking to go back to therapy... one thing I’ve learned is it is my issues that make me crave love from him even when he hurts me. I crawl back like a lost puppy looking to fix it while trying to sort out why I want something that breaks me.

[WorriedHusband]

Wow! I think I’m the same way.   I truly love my life and am crazy about her.  My family has never understood why I feel the way I do about her and sometimes I don’t know either.  I just know I have been in relationships before and I was married before, but I never really knew what love is until I met my wife. 

In your case, I wonder if there is any pro bono services or grants that could help provide you and/or your husband with T.  Any local universities that might be offering T for research data?   Maybe you could find something

[Indigo15]

My family feels the same way - they obviously have my best interest at heart and can’t understand why I in constant turmoil when I give so much and get little in return.

I think you have me confused with someone else - I don’t have a issue paying for therapy and I have been going for nearly two years. Grateful for my therapist

[WorriedHusband]

I’m sorry.  I must have. For some reason I was thinking that you or your husband lost insurance during Covid so he stopped therapy.  I apologize  for the confusion.