Convince my ex has BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I want to make it clear that many of the decisions I made in life over the past 5 or so years, were horrible ones. I became a self-serving fool and started to show signs of a narcists. I was married with 3 kids and one on the way. I became involved with a girl who was a sister of a friend of mine. She was six years younger than me and well educated with a good job. I was having marital problems (all my fault) at the time and was drinking and using drugs. I tried to stop the relationship with my mistress and even went sober, but ultimately she was waiting for me and I ended up leaving my pregnant wife and divorcing her after our child was born. My daughter was born and spent a month in the NICU, and my wife was diagnosed with cancer a day before we were legally divorced.

My mistress did not show much compassion and was actually hurt by the fact that I wanted to call the divorce off when I found out about the diagnosis. Looking back, I cant believe I let myself stoop to such a low, but I did. It was obvious that I found my new addiction and no matter what I couldn't give it up. The connection was, she was a bulimic and I was a drunk. We promised to help each other with our problems. I was able to make strides with my drinking, and got clean off of the drugs. She made progress with her bulimia, but I feel she hid a lot from me.

I want to give some insight on the relationship and see if any of you feel she is BPD. She was never diagnosed that I know of, but once I found out about the disorder after the relationship ended, I am convinced that she is. Once the affair was over, and we were publicly dating after the divorce, the madness started. She would get so jealous of my ex-wife and constantly put her down, she would sometimes make fun of my young children when she didn't get her way. We were once, watching a basketball game, she looked at me and told me my daughter looked too much like my ex and she got up and left the game right in front of the kids.

We would often times have wonderful conversations and evenings that always went back to my ex and destroyed the night. It went from she was well aware of my baggage, to I ruined her life by having kids and being divorced. I can give 1 million examples of her madness, but want to touch on some key ones that I feel demonstrate the disorder.

I know her previous two boyfriends, and I know that she cheated on them both 100 times probably. If she was drinking, she would makeout with anyone in her sight, I knew about this before I got involved with her. She would always tell me she only had 3 partners before me, but I know she messed around with probably 50 and have a hard time believing she wasn't with way more than 3! If we were at a function were she was drinking and I even talked to a female, she would uber home, or have her mom come pick her up.

The times we would fight about petty stuff, would turn into her either leaving, or blocking my number until I would try and reconcile with her. It was so frustrating and would drive me insane, but again, I had made my bed and I was trying my hardest to sleep in it. My family hated her and me for what we did to my wife. They finally came around to the relationship and tolerated it, but if one of them liked a picture of my kids that my ex would post on facebook, all hell broke loose and I would have to call them to take it off because my BPDGF would go off her rocker!

If I had the kids on the weekends, she would sometimes make it as if she was going to out where guys would be, just to mess with me. She had no real friends, but if we were fighting she would rely heavily on her family even though they annoyed her when me and her. Her grandpa is diagnosed bi-polar and so is her aunt. I feel her mom has BPD, or she just doesn't have a heart.

Within 6 months of the relationship, I realized how bad I had messed up. My ex wife was a saint thru it all. She never bad mouthed me or my GF and continued to be a wonderful mom to my kids. I began to realize, that I blamed her for all of my problems and really began to miss her. Over the couple months prior to the breakup with my GF I had started communicating with my ex again. I knew I could and did actually love her and she was who I should be with, but the addiction of the challenge with my BPDgf delayed me from making that decision.

My bpdgf took no fault in anything ever! She would very often skip things that I had planned for the kids, if she was having one of her days. She admitted to cheating on me when she suddenly left my bday party this past year. She told me that she hooked up with a guy the year prior, but it didn't count because legally I was still married even though I was in the process of leaving my family for her. I made an innocent joke at my party, and she ubered home and sent me that text. She never had any remorse for my ex or my children and was consumed with her needs and wants. Her family didn't help her at all. They knew she had problems, but didn't want to ruin their image, so they ignored it and in my opinion enabled it. Her dad was consumed with himself her whole life and wasn't very present and her mom had mental issues of her own.

The past few months of the relationship were down right brutal. We were off and on. I was really leaning towards reconciling my marriage and I think she sensed it, so she was on her best behavior for all of three days and then we had a blowout. She hit me in the face multiple times and I restrained her by grabbing her arms. After the fight I haven't spoke to her since. She blocked me and quit all communication. I was to the point, where I was actually happy the relationship was over, but really struggled that she took no accountability for any of her actions during the affair, the relationship and the last fight we had. I began to see my ex-wife again and a month after the breakup was hit with a restraining order from my exbpdgf. I hadn't seen her since the fight, but I think she caught wind of my reconciliation with my ex wife.

Thankfully me and my ex-wife are back together now and in the process of re-marrying. I saw what kind of a husband I was and have worked hard to become a better person and husband going forward. Therapy has helped, but my refound love for my faith and God has taken it all to another level. The only thing that held me back the past few months was the lack of closure with my exbpdgf. I haven't spoken to her since the breakup and still battling the restraining order. I have 0 desire to ever see her again or speak to her and couldn't be more thankful that I was able to get my life back together, because I know I didn't deserve it. I have never been happier with my relationship to my wife and kids! Finding out about this disorder and learning more about it has 100% answered some of my questions and given me some closure. I pray everyday for the next person that has to deal with her and know it will be a disaster. She is unfaithful and unhappy, but nothing is ever her fault. I know I rambled on and apologize for it, but do any of you have thoughts or opinions on if she does have BPD from what I mentioned above? Thanks 

[shouldofknown]

I want to make it clear that many of the decisions I made in life over the past 5 or so years, were horrible ones. I became a self-serving fool and started to show signs of a narcists. I was married with 3 kids and one on the way. I became involved with a girl who was a sister of a friend of mine. She was six years younger than me and well educated with a good job. I was having marital problems (all my fault) at the time and was drinking and using drugs. I tried to stop the relationship with my mistress and even went sober, but ultimately she was waiting for me and I ended up leaving my pregnant wife and divorcing her after our child was born. My daughter was born and spent a month in the NICU, and my wife was diagnosed with cancer a day before we were legally divorced.

My mistress did not show much compassion and was actually hurt by the fact that I wanted to call the divorce off when I found out about the diagnosis. Looking back, I cant believe I let myself stoop to such a low, but I did. It was obvious that I found my new addiction and no matter what I couldn't give it up. The connection was, she was a bulimic and I was a drunk. We promised to help each other with our problems. I was able to make strides with my drinking, and got clean off of the drugs. She made progress with her bulimia, but I feel she hid a lot from me.

I want to give some insight on the relationship and see if any of you feel she is BPD. She was never diagnosed that I know of, but once I found out about the disorder after the relationship ended, I am convinced that she is. Once the affair was over, and we were publicly dating after the divorce, the madness started. She would get so jealous of my ex-wife and constantly put her down, she would sometimes make fun of my young children when she didn't get her way. We were once, watching a basketball game, she looked at me and told me my daughter looked too much like my ex and she got up and left the game right in front of the kids.

We would often times have wonderful conversations and evenings that always went back to my ex and destroyed the night. It went from she was well aware of my baggage, to I ruined her life by having kids and being divorced. I can give 1 million examples of her madness, but want to touch on some key ones that I feel demonstrate the disorder.

I know her previous two boyfriends, and I know that she cheated on them both 100 times probably. If she was drinking, she would makeout with anyone in her sight, I knew about this before I got involved with her. She would always tell me she only had 3 partners before me, but I know she messed around with probably 50 and have a hard time believing she wasn't with way more than 3! If we were at a function were she was drinking and I even talked to a female, she would uber home, or have her mom come pick her up.

The times we would fight about petty stuff, would turn into her either leaving, or blocking my number until I would try and reconcile with her. It was so frustrating and would drive me insane, but again, I had made my bed and I was trying my hardest to sleep in it. My family hated her and me for what we did to my wife. They finally came around to the relationship and tolerated it, but if one of them liked a picture of my kids that my ex would post on facebook, all hell broke loose and I would have to call them to take it off because my BPDGF would go off her rocker!

If I had the kids on the weekends, she would sometimes make it as if she was going to out where guys would be, just to mess with me. She had no real friends, but if we were fighting she would rely heavily on her family even though they annoyed her when me and her. Her grandpa is diagnosed bi-polar and so is her aunt. I feel her mom has BPD, or she just doesn't have a heart.

Within 6 months of the relationship, I realized how bad I had messed up. My ex wife was a saint thru it all. She never bad mouthed me or my GF and continued to be a wonderful mom to my kids. I began to realize, that I blamed her for all of my problems and really began to miss her. Over the couple months prior to the breakup with my GF I had started communicating with my ex again. I knew I could and did actually love her and she was who I should be with, but the addiction of the challenge with my BPDgf delayed me from making that decision.

My bpdgf took no fault in anything ever! She would very often skip things that I had planned for the kids, if she was having one of her days. She admitted to cheating on me when she suddenly left my bday party this past year. She told me that she hooked up with a guy the year prior, but it didn't count because legally I was still married even though I was in the process of leaving my family for her. I made an innocent joke at my party, and she ubered home and sent me that text. She never had any remorse for my ex or my children and was consumed with her needs and wants. Her family didn't help her at all. They knew she had problems, but didn't want to ruin their image, so they ignored it and in my opinion enabled it. Her dad was consumed with himself her whole life and wasn't very present and her mom had mental issues of her own.

The past few months of the relationship were down right brutal. We were off and on. I was really leaning towards reconciling my marriage and I think she sensed it, so she was on her best behavior for all of three days and then we had a blowout. She hit me in the face multiple times and I restrained her by grabbing her arms. After the fight I haven't spoke to her since. She blocked me and quit all communication. I was to the point, where I was actually happy the relationship was over, but really struggled that she took no accountability for any of her actions during the affair, the relationship and the last fight we had. I began to see my ex-wife again and a month after the breakup was hit with a restraining order from my exbpdgf. I hadn't seen her since the fight, but I think she caught wind of my reconciliation with my ex wife.

Thankfully me and my ex-wife are back together now and in the process of re-marrying. I saw what kind of a husband I was and have worked hard to become a better person and husband going forward. Therapy has helped, but my refound love for my faith and God has taken it all to another level. The only thing that held me back the past few months was the lack of closure with my exbpdgf. I haven't spoken to her since the breakup and still battling the restraining order. I have 0 desire to ever see her again or speak to her and couldn't be more thankful that I was able to get my life back together, because I know I didn't deserve it. I have never been happier with my relationship to my wife and kids! Finding out about this disorder and learning more about it has 100% answered some of my questions and given me some closure. I pray everyday for the next person that has to deal with her and know it will be a disaster. She is unfaithful and unhappy, but nothing is ever her fault. I know I rambled on and apologize for it, but do any of you have thoughts or opinions on if she does have BPD from what I mentioned above? Thanks 

[Turkish]

Hi shouldofknown,

It sounds like you became aware of what drew you together, the need to heal. You were in a dark place, but I'm glad that you've taken your own power back to heal both yourself and your family. 

If your girlfriend is BPD, we can't say, but it sounds like it she exhibited many unhealthy behaviors. Even if it resulted in a RO, I'm glad that through it all you chose to keep your children in mind. 

We have a summary of what BPD is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

[shouldofknown]

Thank you for the response and the link!

When the breakup first occurred I had a very hard time forgiving myself for what I had done and also for putting up with such crazy behavior. I am far from a saint, but there were times I questioned my own sanity from her actions.

We went out of town for Valentines day last year. Had an amazing dinner and were laying bed waiting for a bottle of wine to be delivered to the room. She out of nowhere asked me what month my third child was born, when I told her it was in November, she said "He was probably conceived on Valentines day" and started balling. I was in such shock, that I couldn't even be mad. We went to bed, and in the morning she pretended like it never happened and was a different person. These types of behaviors usually happened weekly.

 She would one week talk about marrying me, but would always use it as leverage for setting forth demands that she wanted fulfilled before we could take the next step. Again, my ex-wife never bothered us, when she had every right to, but my GF would demand that I cut down her child support and spousal support. Wanted me to have 0 contact with her and use a middle person to handoff the baby. I feel stupid even listing these, because I stayed in the relationship way longer than I should have.

Any insight on what makes us stay? Their actions are exhausting and cross every line of reason, but I would always hang on to the hope of it will someday get better and the highs of the relationship will be more consistent. I began to blame myself for having children and being married, but she knew that going into the relationship. I truly feel if she was with the greatest man on earth, that she would still find a way to be miserable and empty. Any insight is much appreciated. Thanks

[Legalalien94]

I read this post with great interest as I have a very simular story.

[shouldofknown]

If you don't mind me asking? Where some of the tendencies I mentioned above similar? What are your thoughts on your failed relationship now, looking back? Thanks!

[Turkish]

That Valentine's night must have been shocking, seemingly apropos of nothing... other than her internal feelings of worthlessness, and emptiness, as you say. My ex used to say that she felt "empty." I've certainly been very depressed, but I can't comprehend feeling empty. "Chronic feelings of emptiness" is a trait of BPD.

Why do you think you stayed?

[shouldofknown]

Yes! She had a good job, made very good money for her age, but always complained how she didn't feel accomplished. She truly had a feeling of emptiness, that would hit her hard at very random times.

As to why I stayed, I think it's the 1 million dollar question . In 2016 I got introduced to cocaine, and used up until the end of 2018, when I got involved with her. Looking back, I was not in love with her, but I feel that she became my cocaine high. The constant challenge that she presented and the challenge for me to receive affirmation from her became my dopamine release.

I should have ran after the 10th time we would be at a social event together and alcohol was involved. Each time she would disappear because I did something to upset her, even though I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was once sitting at a table with my best friend and his wife and was talking with his wife. She saw that we were talking and had her mom drive to come get her and didn't tell anyone she left. This would always be combined with her blocking my number. She wouldn't be happy until I physically came to find her.

I see how large the struggle is with people who deal with partners with BPD, you can see so much hurt on this site. When I was involved with her, I was set on fixing her and proving everyone wrong that was against my divorce. Once I humbled myself admitted I was an asshole to my wife and not a good husband, it helped me see thru my GF. There was nothing loving about the relationship. I was not aware of this disorder at the time, but learning about it has helped me a great deal.

I was fortunate to have a loving ex-wife that I have been able to reconcile with. It is so nice to have a normal relationship again. The constant ups and downs are not healthy, and for all of those struggling on this site, the up is not worth the down! When I battled drugs, I would always tell myself after every time I used, that I need to stop and that the down is not worth the high. It is no different than these relationships, once you completely cut, it will get easier! You may miss some of those highs, but your overall well being will be so much better off! I have dug back into my faith, focused on my own mental health and feel that I have become such a better person since the relationship ended. I would lie if I said I don't wonder sometimes, or in the first month or two that I didn't struggle. Anytime that wonder pops into my head, I rebuke it! We already know the answer and must seek the long term gratification. If we seek the short term gratification, we will for sure end up with long term misery.

[Turkish]

We already know the answer and must seek the long term gratification. If we seek the short term gratification, we will for sure end up with long term misery.

Wise conclusion, you've done the good work on yourself and for your family. 

[shouldofknown]

Thank you. Took a lot of humbling and self awareness, but I am pleased with where I stand today. Hopefully others that are struggling can have hope that there is a better path and it will get better!