Hi szsash
Welcome. I’m sorry but this is quickly written. I only popped in for a short while but couldn’t leave without saying something. My goodness, I can relate to you and your story. I understand the hurt and turmoil. It’s hurts so bad.
There is hope. there has to be a change and it starts with you. I’m glad you found us.
How to I actually help my daughter and manage to live a 'normal' life?
This is actually two parts.
- You helping your daughter in the right way.
- Your daughter taking responsibility for herself and her choices.
They can happen but it starts with you because your daughter can’t help the way she behaves. You can’t change her, only yourself and how you interact.
You can help your daughter by you understanding what is your responsibility. For her to behave like an adult, she must be treated as one...but gently, so gently.
You are responsible for your life and how you live it. Show her what that looks like. An adult looks after their own financial affairs, they take care of their physical and emotional well being, they nurture healthy relationships...they also spend time doing things they enjoy. I laugh now, because when I came here my whole life was consumed by him and me trying up fix everything!
My first two rules/limits were:
Any time a problem occurred I’d ask myself “is this my problem?” No? Then I’d gently place it in his lap (son is 30).
I stopped giving him money. (However, I did provide free bed and board as he’d returned home from a downward spiral in a mess(.
You can demonstrate to her what being an adult looks like so she learns from you. Right now, I don’t believe your life is very normal. Mine certainly wasn’t and that’s what brought me to this forum.
Focus on yourself...while your daughter learns how to take responsibility. She’s going to continue to make lots of mistakes and she’s got to learn how to problem solve for herself (that’s how we learn). I’m not talking about tossing her into the wind, I’m talking about you walking beside her providing the right kind of support...emotional support given with a warm open heart and that you have confidence in her ability. Hopefully, she’ll seek some professional help...my son hasn’t.
How do I deal with the lying?
I stopped asking questions because I can’t trust much of what he tells me anyway
. It’s a path I choose to not put ourselves on...it’s tiresome and risky because it can escalate things and we get caught in a cycle. Also, I don’t agree with the way he lives his life and he knows it in his heart. but that doesn’t mean I can make a judgment on it. It’s his life, not mine. My son used to often lie because he knew he was being judged and criticised...that’s not a nice feeling for either of us.
Im not sure My family will ever be “normal”!
.
I am much happier, despite the problems. My son is functioning...his life is fragile...he’s not happy but... he is happier. We found a way forwards. You can too.
Sadly, there are no quick fixes. It starts with baby steps. I wonder how you imagine YOUR “new” life could be? What does that look like? What kinds of things do you want for yourself? It is possible but it’s down to you.
Hugs
LP
Ps. Self care for me is a toughy.