It was platonic but we were very close for almost a decade

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone, I know that I need to be back in therapy to continue healing, but this seemed like a good resource to pursue too since we are still in a pandemic. 

My best friend for most of my adult life and I have reached a point where I can't have her in my life anymore.  At one point she recognized that she had serious mental health issues and was actively working to improve and things were difficult but possible, but she has since decided that she is totally fine and all of the issues are on my end.  I spent 2 years trying to work on some form of connection that could be maintained because of how much I love her children, but in the end I had to set boundaries. 

[GraceEnough]

Hi everyone, I know that I need to be back in therapy to continue healing, but this seemed like a good resource to pursue too since we are still in a pandemic. 

My best friend for most of my adult life and I have reached a point where I can't have her in my life anymore.  At one point she recognized that she had serious mental health issues and was actively working to improve and things were difficult but possible, but she has since decided that she is totally fine and all of the issues are on my end.  I spent 2 years trying to work on some form of connection that could be maintained because of how much I love her children, but in the end I had to set boundaries. 

[pursuingJoy]

GraceEnough I reached this point with a good friend last year. It's tough, isn't it?

Deciding that it was all your fault was most likely a defense mechanism on her part. Shame is a powerful driver. What made you realize you can't have her in your life anymore? How are you feeling?

[GraceEnough]

This past year we had been attempting to make some baby steps towards reconciling and I was hopeful, and then a couple of months later she wanted to do something nice for me for my birthday a month and a half away.  I was hesitant, but appreciated that she was making an effort, but she absolutely refused to listen to the boundaries I was trying to set.  She kept ignoring them and trying to press for an event that would meet her emotional/social needs not mine.  She even thought that despite a year and a half of estrangement, that she could throw me a birthday party and include all my friends.  I asked for a small picnic that included her family and my sister and SO.  She kept trying to push for it to be an all day event or an adult only event.   Eventually I called off the whole thing and asked her to wait until after my birthday to try again.  And made it very clear that I wasn't okay with one on one meet ups yet, that I was only okay with family or couples events or group events.  The smallest gathering would still need to include her husband and my BF.  She waited until about 2 weeks after my birthday and asked if I wanted to spend some time having a phone call or video call to "nourish the friendship".  I declined.

A couple months later she accidentally called me and hung up, but since she had called me out of the blue before, I used it as an opportunity to politely request that she text before calling.  She responded a few hours later with a several paragraph long angry rant.  It was late at night and I read just enough to get the tone, and I archived the thread and blocked her number. 

Just a couple months ago she emailed me out of the blue with a long all over the place message that showed she still saw herself as the victim, took almost zero ownership of her own issues, and continued the patterns of toxic behavior that had led to our initial estrangement.

I replied to her email finally sharing some of the things that I had never gotten a chance to say, and it was painful but cathartic.  She responded again continuing to make excuses but also now suddenly suggesting we meet up for coffee.  I declined to respond.  It would take holy spirit writing a message on the sidewalk in front of me, or getting a message from her that shows a complete 180 from all of her communication in the past couple of years for me to be willing to make contact with her again. 
I was reading a self help type book for spiritual growth and a simple analogy between rule following and a fickle friend triggered enough pain for me to realize I need help and sent me to finding this website.

I wish I had found it 2 years ago, but I'm still thankful for the support and validation that I'm not crazy and other people have had the same struggles and I'm not alone and also to be able to see just how far I have come in my journey to be my own person again

[pursuingJoy]

I see several points where you made a request or set a limit and she was pretty committed to overstepping. Looking back, is there anything you wish you'd done differently?

We do get it. The stuff we're learning here can be applied to so many relationships. I know I've gleaned some really useful lessons from folks here.

[GraceEnough]

I think the main thing I wish I had done earlier on was calling out how she was using her children, my goddaughters, as pawns.  I think that might have reduced the amount of back bending I tried to do to make things work.

On a more general level I wish I had been less co dependent so that my life would never have gotten so enmeshed with hers in the first place, but I also have a lot of compassion for myself too.  We don't know what we don't know, and I was doing my best to be a good friend.

I do wish I had been brave enough to stand up for myself sooner and require actual apologies and real reconciliation the handful of times her full crazy making was leveled at me.

[pursuingJoy]

Can't tell you how many times I've kicked myself for not speaking up or setting boundaries earlier! You're so right - we do the best we can with what we know. When we know better, we do better.