Came face to face with my ex-g/f two days ago

[brighter future]

Some of you might remember that I've received a couple of text messages and a couple of social media pings from my uPBD ex-g/f. Prior to that, we have not spoken since May.  Three or four weeks ago, she sent me a text regarding a household item that I gave to her while we were together a year and a half ago. I gave it to her with the understanding that I was going to donate it if she didn't take it and that I did not want it back. When I received her text, she said she no longer needed the item and would like to return it to me or have my permission to give it away if I no longer wanted it. I sent a very brief reply reminding it was a gift, and she was free to give it away to someone else if she no longer needed it. I never heard anything else from her about it after that.

This past Sunday was a particularly nice day for November, so my child and I were outside enjoying the day. We planned on going for a walk and playing some basketball and baseball. When we set out on our walk, my child and I noticed my ex was visiting her parents that lived next door to me. My ex's son who is my daughter's age came running over as soon as he saw us. He asked if he could go on a walk with us and play basketball. I told him that would be fine if he put on some shoes and asked his mother for permission first. A few minutes later, he came running back out with shoes on and said it was Ok with his mom. We went out on a walk then returned back to the house to play basketball. We'd been playing basketball for about 15 minutes or so when I saw my ex walking over from her parent's house towards us out of the corner of my eye. I thought I boy here we go. This was our first face to face encounter in seven months. She walked over into my yard and was watching us play basketball. I said hello how are you? She replied back with a good how are you? I said fine and kept on playing ball with the kids. She stood there and watched us for a few minutes until my daughter went over to talk to her. They chatted for a couple of minutes, then my ex watched us for a minute or two more. I'm not sure if she was expecting me to say something to her or not, but she appeared to be on the nervous side. She is typically jittery when she is nervous and does a lot of "nervous laughing". I didn't know what to say to her, so I just kept playing ball with the kids.  Finally, she said "Uh, is he ok to stay here?" I said, "Yes, he's fine to stay. We'll have some fun." She said, "Um, Ok. Well, I guess I'd better go back next door." Then she left. Her son ended up staying two hours with us. I was outside picking up up all of the toys as they were leaving, and my ex made it a point to turn around and wave at me as they were getting in their car to go home.

Seeing her face to face for the first time didn't produce any great anxiety within me, but I did realize that I'm still very much attracted to her physically. She and the kids had been to church earlier in the day, so she was wearing a nice dress and had her hair and makeup looking good as well. After she went back next door, I was thinking about how nice she looked. Then I remembered how our breakup went down and how she went right to that other guy. Thinking about all of that soured me and brought me back to reality.

Shortly before Halloween, her folks invited me and my daughter over to their house to preview their Halloween decorations. My ex was not there thankfully. We talked about the Halloween display, then my ex's mother began giving me updates on my ex's children. She told me that her son misses my daughter and I and talks about us all the time. Then she mentioned a couple of quick things about my ex but nothing of any importance. My therapist and I discussed all of this during my session on Wednesday less the visit from my ex on Sunday because that encounter hadn't happened yet. She asked me, "BF, given the handful of times you've heard from your ex in the last 6 weeks or so and now you hear from her parents just last week, do you think they are trying to get you interested in her again?" I said I hadn't really given that any thought. I told her they invited me over about a week after the breakup occurred and told me that they "hoped we could work things out." At that time she hadn't gone out with the rebound guy and we were still talking about trying to work things out with counseling, etc. I told them we were still talking and that I truly loved their daughter. Maybe we can work it out I told them. Of course, that never happened, which has been a blessing in the long run. Sad but true. I just have to wonder if all of this contact is innocent on her part, or if she's trying to condition me for a recycle.

I received a call from my daughter's school yesterday saying that I needed to pick her up immediately. All last week, she was exposed to a classmate that fell ill over the weekend and was diagnosed with Covid on Sunday. I've had to notify everyone that my daughter has been around outside of school in the last few days. Luckily there were only a few.  My ex and her son were two of the people that were exposed to my daughter, so I had to contact her yesterday afternoon via text message to alert her. I apologized and asked her to keep an eye on her son.  She messaged me back within a couple of minutes and thanked me and said she'd keep me posted on his status. It's been a bizarre last couple of days for me.

[grumpydonut]

Sounds like it's entering dangerous territory for you, BF.

[brighter future]

Yes it is, grumpydonut. I honestly believe that she used the household item as an excuse to contact me last month. As far as the encounter on Sunday, I feel like she could have simply called out "Is he Ok to stay there and play" from her parent's front yard without walking over to my house and engaging us. Then she could have gone back in her parent's house.  As I said, she was all decked out in a dress and had her hair down. She knows that's the way I liked it best. As I said, I had some ruminating thoughts after she walked away, but I was able to come back to reality fairly quickly after remembering all of the heartache from the last several months. Once again, it would be so much easier for me to completely detach if she was out of sight out of mind and if her parents did not live next door to me. Our children are good friends, and I'm not going to tell them they can't see each other because of what happened between my ex and  I. It's just a difficult situation.

I've been told that she'd been idealizing the new man for several months on social media with flattering posts. Supposedly she stopped doing that over a month ago. Maybe the honeymoon phase is over now with him, which might explain her showing interest in me again. That seems to be the standard with BPD based on what I've learned (5-6 months of idealization followed by devaluation and push/pull behavior).

[Cromwell]

Brighter Future I have every bit of faith in you

How do you feel now.  Still anxious or alright? Mix of both?

[Andy1963]

I can imagine how difficult it is for you
If I was to meet mine right now it would completely mess me up
Stay strong BF you know all the reasons why...

[brighter future]

Andy & Cromwell,

I'm feeling Ok for the most part about all of this. It's strange, but the face to face encounter on Sunday didn't affect me as much as the out of the blue text message from October. Before that there were two brief social media pings in September and no contact from the middle of May until September.  Maybe the face to face didn't affect me as much because I sort of expected to hear from her again after the text message in October?  Each and every time I’ve heard from her or seen her since the breakup is always when her new man is at work, which is interesting. . As I said, my therapist  thinks that my ex and possibly my ex's family  are trying to get me interested in her again. Then there's the mutual friends that suspect things aren't going well between her and the rebound guy. The mutual friends are the ones telling me to stay away and that nothing has changed with her emotional state. I know in my heart that is reality.  

At least the kids got to play together this past Sunday. I can tell that this brought her son great joy. His grandparents passed that along to me afterwards and said "He really loves you and your daughter and misses you." We enjoyed our time with him as well.

I was told by our mutual friends a couple of weeks ago that my ex's brother had a heart to heart with her after she dumped me and moved on to the rebound guy. I always got along well with him and his wife.  He told her that she needed to get help to get a handle on her issues, and he told her that she needed to start loving herself. Supposedly he also pleaded with her to fix herself before getting involved with someone else. They told me she didn't take this advice too well that her brother gave her, and she took it personally. I know for her fact her family knows these issues exist with her, but they can't make her get help. During our relationship, she told me a few times that "My family treats me differently than everyone else. Sometimes I feel like I'm the black sheep of the family." I've gotten nothing but respect from her family since the breakup and all through my relationship with her.  They all still keep in touch with me and have nice things to say on social media. I'm grateful for that.

I've been attracted to this girl for the full 20 years that I've known her. When we finally hooked up, we'd known each other for well over 17 years. After we'd been dating about three months, she told me "I've been trying to get your attention for nearly 18 years, and it's so good to finally have it. I've always admired you and have been attracted to you. I even liked you when I was married (her recent ex-husband). I just thought you weren't interested." At one point she had told me that she never would have started dating her ex-husband if I would have asked her out in 2007/2008. It just never worked out at that time. Sadly it didn't work out either when we finally got together 10 years later. Honestly it most likely wouldn't have worked out in 2007/2008, because her issues existed at that time, too.  Damn BPD.  

[Cromwell]

Hi BrighterFuture,

if for example you were chatting to an equally, if not more "hotter" prospective partner at the garden fence, you just sweet talked her in getting her number into your phone book.

Then your ex turns up just as the new - never hurt you emotionally before, even hotter new number has left 5 minutes prior.

I wonder how you would feel, what you might have done different.

[brighter future]

Hi BrighterFuture,

if for example you were chatting to an equally, if not more "hotter" prospective partner at the garden fence, you just sweet talked her in getting her number into your phone book.

Then your ex turns up just as the new - never hurt you emotionally before, even hotter new number has left 5 minutes prior.

I wonder how you would feel, what you might have done different.

That's a tough question Cromwell. Maybe this sounds bad, but I would like a chance with my ex g/f, only a mentally healthy version of her. Is it wrong to say that?  Funny thing, I talked to a mutual friend about this same thing several months ago, maybe two months after the breakup. I told this mutual friend,  "I just wish she (my ex) would get help for herself so she could try to be mentally healthy." The mutual friend's  response to me was, "And what do you think the chances are for her to ever be mentally healthy?" My answer was "slim to none." Their response was "Correct, always remember that."  That is the reality, and I suppose me wishing for her to be healthy is fantasy on my part.

My ex's childhood was filled with family turmoil and sexual abuse by a family member of her father's. She frequently said one of the things she loved about me most was my calmness and stability, and said that I "helped keep her sane." Both of her children told me that I kept their mother calm and that they liked having me in their home. Their mother often told me that I "made their home a better place" while I was there and said that she desired a calm and stable life for herself and the children. Like a member here on the forum told me a while back, "This path is not meant for her. If it truly is, then she must find it on her own and not through someone else."

Once I kick this mild case of PTSD that I have, I'd like to find someone healthy to spend some time with. Right now, the thought of that sort of frightens me, as I don't want to go through something similar again. Twice is enough for me. I've never been one to feel like I have to be with someone in order to make it through life. I've just got to find my self-confidence again.

[Cromwell]

you will BrighterFuture, not only your name predelicts you to this outcome, you have thought this stuff through and studied it, you rationally know enough it is the emotional stuff that is on the backburner needing to sync in.

maybe it takes stuff like this to build self confidence, this sort of adversity. We didnt make it to a support group like this by accident, but through - heartbreak, and having fell by the wayside of it, wanting to figure out somehow what can be done to reverse and fix it again.

hard, emotionally heightened work - but it has rewards. some never bother.

do you not feel bad, if not "rude" to turn down a woman who would be interested in you, in exchange for an ex with her already known issues - unhealthy - has hurt you. whats going on? stockholm syndrome? identifying with your captor?

youve got a hot, never previously explored women offering herself to you - yet this fixation on wanting to make it work with your ex - already proven unworkable.

why the self sabotage? dont you want any fun out of life?

neither option is "right" or "wrong", but if you end up perpetually miserable and each day ticks on unmercifully (there is a famous quote along these lines) every second is unforgiven so to speak.

I guess you can complain about it, but thats more time spent - complaining.

brighter future, im wanting to eviscerate the ptsd, all this torment. there are women out there, happy to have a guy that wants them - on healthy grounds. its not difficult, its ample opportunity. abundandant, interesting, titillating.

so why are we here, stuck in the proverbial mud, of despair and misery. answer me that as I try to always answer your qs. please.

[brighter future]

Cromwell,

maybe it takes stuff like this to build self confidence, this sort of adversity. We didnt make it to a support group like this by accident, but through - heartbreak, and having fell by the wayside of it, wanting to figure out somehow what can be done to reverse and fix it again.

I like to think that I know myself and love myself. As I said it's self-confidence that I'm lacking at the moment. I feel like I lost a lot of that prior to and during my divorce from my BPD ex-wife. When I started seeing my ex-g/f, I feel like I was starting to get it back for the most part. Now I feel like I'm back where I started, but I'm definitely better off than I was 5-6 months ago. Thank goodness for this forum! My therapist has helped me tremendously, but talking with like minded people in here who have experienced the same issues has really made the difference for me. I owe all of you a lot!

youve got a hot, never previously explored women offering herself to you - yet this fixation on wanting to make it work with your ex - already proven unworkable.

There is no way I'd take my ex back under any circumstances after what I went through with her. In my last post, I was referring to what it would be like to be with her as a mentally healthy individual as opposed to her actual mental state. I can't help but wonder at times if we'd work out under better circumstances. Like I said, that's merely fantasy on my part.  Sorry for the confusion, my friend. I do want better for myself and have hope that there is somewhere out there that's normal for me. The thing that gets me down the most is that I'm no longer in my 20's or 30's. I'm a single father in his 40's, and I feel like there's less fish in the sea so to speak at my age. That's sort of what gets me down.  I'm not as young as I once was. 

[Cromwell]

Hi BrighterFuture

thanks, interesting insightful but also id like to thank you for just being able to talk, I feel better for it I hope somehow in reciprocal way you get benefit out of it. I was going to ask you something but perhaps uncharacteristic, something tells me maybe we could do with a break for awhile? I dont know about you but I could do with one. Sure I will read any reply and will reply but how do you feel about some time, sitting nearby the water yet doing nothing, so to speak.

[Andy1963]

Brighter Future
I understand your fears about your age and having fewer options etc
My marriage broke up when Iwas 50 and I thought I had no chance of ever meeting anyone again,  that I was over the hill
Yet I have had two relationships since( last one with uBPD)
Age is only a number, I think this is more about feeling that you won't find someone you are as attracted to as your exBPD
Thats definitely a feeling I can relate to as my ex is stunning , but only in looks, which as we all know here, mean nothing
Its a mindset that will adjust in time
My ex wife was extremely attractive also and it took me 3 years to get over that feeling.
So you're definitely not too old to find love  again, believe me...

[brighter future]

Hi BrighterFuture

thanks, interesting insightful but also id like to thank you for just being able to talk, I feel better for it I hope somehow in reciprocal way you get benefit out of it. I was going to ask you something but perhaps uncharacteristic, something tells me maybe we could do with a break for awhile? I dont know about you but I could do with one. Sure I will read any reply and will reply but how do you feel about some time, sitting nearby the water yet doing nothing, so to speak.

Cromwell, once again I appreciate your time and support. I understand your wanting to take a break for a while. Sometimes I find myself focusing too much on all of this, which causes unneeded stress. I have been thinking about spending less time in here for a while to take a break. My therapist has suggested that I give that a try. Maybe this is the time to do it.  I've noticed that several of the regulars haven't been around a lot in the last few weeks, so maybe they needed to take a break in order to focus on other things in life as well.

Best wishes.

[brighter future]

Andy,

Thanks for the advice. Age is definitely just a number. There is someone out there somewhere for me that's mentally healthy, and I've just got to remain patient.

 I can remember when I was in my my 20's before I got married, and I had quite a few options as far as dating goes. Today is much different, though, as I said. On the other hand, I'm a single parent who has primary custody of a child under the age of 10. She's my primary focus, and I work really hard to create a stable home life for her. My child's mother (my ex-wife) is mentally ill and is actually out of state at the present time at an inpatient facility. This makes the 7th time in as many years.

This morning an old school mate of mine posted this on social media today, and it is so true. "Your kids watching you in a toxic relationship does more damage than being a single parent." How true. In regards to my uBPD ex-g/f, always being in a relationship is more important than anything else do to her fear of abandonment. Her kids have suffered for it greatly. I refuse to do that to my child or myself.

Thanks again for your kind words. I continue to wish you well on your journey. I do check in on your discussions usually every day to see how you're doing. 

[Cromwell]

Sometimes I find myself focusing too much on all of this, which causes unneeded stress. I have been thinking about spending less time in here for a while to take a break. My therapist has suggested that I give that a try.

Hi BrighterFuture I wont talk much because we are supposed to be on a break I think I also have assignments to work on - conclusion, I left my ex years ago but found new masters

With regards to rest, Stuff like getting good sleep, going for a lay down, sometimes the idea was there, but I ignored it, times I tried it, surprised me how effective it was - quashed a state of rumination, woke up feeling better. Interestingly on the subject of stima-age, it may have had part to do with it "im too young to be taking day time naps" mindset.

im less here, I average 1 post a day now, relatively speaking. big part of it is a lot of work to do, therapy is important but has to also be managed in a balancing act. Im fortunate that I had more time when I really was in emotional, stressy yes, but it was also stressful to not be here, sometimes more so.

Besides work and therapy do you find it easy to have leisure time?

see you later and thanks

[brighter future]

Cromwell,

Besides work and therapy do you find it easy to have leisure time?

Yes, I do. I enjoy hiking which helps clear my mind, and the exercise does my body good. I had planned on taking a beach/ocean vacation to my cousin's summer home either in October or November to get away from things. However Covid has rearranged my daughter's school schedule, so I was not able to go on that trip. Hopefully I can reschedule in the Spring. I also enjoy doing outdoor projects at home. The more I keep my mind occupied, the less chance I have to sit around and think about my ex-g/f.

im less here, I average 1 post a day now, relatively speaking. big part of it is a lot of work to do, therapy is important but has to also be managed in a balancing act. Im fortunate that I had more time when I really was in emotional, stressy yes, but it was also stressful to not be here, sometimes more so.

I signed on here in June of this year and spent a great deal of time reading other peoples stories and posting frequently each day. Now I average checking in once or twice a day for much shorter durations. As I said earlier, I think spending less time in here will help me focus on other positive things instead of the two failed BPD relationships that I've had over the last 14 years (BPD ex-wife and uBPD ex-g/f). My plan is to check in enough to keep myself pointed in the right direction (will also keep seeing the therapist every other week) and to help someone else out if I can by sharing my experiences just as you have with me.  

Have a good break, Cromwell.

[Cromwell]

sounds like a nice balance, I think it will help.

Have a good break, Cromwell.

Thanks Brighter, and you too, has been a pleasure and take care.