I may have sent her back into the cycle and she can't have therapy rn

[Dann]

Hello, everyone. This is my first post and i've been thinking lately if i wanted to join you all on this fight or if i'd just lurk and look for some positive energy. As time went on i decided i should make a post on the situation and try to seek help.

My ex girlfriend is a bpd and we have spent 5 months together, as we went on i noticed she was not a normal person(i didn't knew what bpd was) and i assumed the way she got attached to me was normal, and decided i would not only correspond to her feelings but learn to love her the way she did to me.

She told i was the love of her life, an angel, and everything you all are already used to.

As time went on i grew attached to her, and as i was trying to be "the perfect man" to her, i slowly lost myself in the way. I got ill with depression because i was neglecting myself and saw everything in me(the way i dressed, spoken and even walked) as bad (that's what my theraphist helped me figure out).

 We had a long distance relationship, but got to see each other a few times, but since the outbreak of the virus, we didn't get to get close to each other. The thing about our relationship is that, she's still living with the person(her father) who was probably responsible for the way she is today. She suffered verbal abuse and watched her older brother get beaten over and over by her dad and grew all of her life on that(at least that's what she's told me).

I was there to listen to her whenever she needed me, and i'd dedicate my whole time to her. Slowly, i started to notice what i perceive as a lack of interest of her on me (i didn't notice that at the time, but that's just how she is; to everyone. Including the person i think it's her FP), but i didn't give up on trying and would keep the conversation going on for as long as i could(hours a day for all the time we've been together).

She had lied to me about her appearance and name, and at the time i didn't knew how she looked and what her name was(she went by her nickname).
I respected her not wanting me to know, until i found out it was because she was scared if i wouldn't like her, and she didn't like the name her parents had given her.

I decided to tell her i was in love with her, and she seemed happy to know that. We grew closer and closer until i decided to ask her to be my girlfriend. I'm sorry if this lacks conciseness, my head is still foggy from all that has happened.
It was good and i missed her a lot, and i'd make it clear when talking to her; her on the other hand, didn't show much of her desire/will to see me. Our first encounters were full of her scared of seeing me, and feeling anxious of what i'd think about her, but i just loved her even more after meeting her and i made that clear, so i assumed that was the reason why she'd avoid meeting with me. Once she got used to see me, things changed a lot.

if any of you are wondering, we are a young couple, so i guess these are supposed to happen. These little encounter we had were organized by her cousin and aunt, of which she was spending some time at their house at the time. If the case was different we wouldn't be able to see each other because she was scared of the way her father would react to her having a boyfriend. She seemed to be pretty stable when compared to any of the situations i've heard about here, and i assumed it was because she'd already been to therapy(she practices a lot of yoga and mindfulness teached by her therapist)

When we started talking she mentioned her ex a few times, and didn't seem to have had him painted black not even once, she seemed to have dealt with their B/U just fine, or her therapist helped her get through it; as i told you all, she doesn't seem instable at all, maybe it's because we haven't spent much time together personally, to the extent where she'd go mad on me; but she did, however, by text. She had told me the circunstances that lead to their B/U, and it was a pretty simple thing(she threw stuff at him, and he decided to end it), they had had a r/s of a year, until their B/U. And i was told by her and her cousin that she only got to see him a couple of times on that period, and their encounters were watched by her parents.

Down the road of our relationship, i had the impression that we were getting closer and closer to each other and didn't knew how her bpd would interfere in it. Despite her telling me to search what it was and learn about it, i didn't give it enough time as it deserved, and you know how it went.

I learned a lot about her from the interactions we had, but i didn't knew a thing about the side she hid from me. I started to notice, that even though she seemed to love the time she spent with me, she had dreams in her life she had to accomplish, and i started to get other things for me to do, in order to let her study. If i didn't, she wouldn't have told me a thing, we would've kept talking to each other, without caring what was going on around us. I just wanted to be with her.

She perceived that as an attempt to leave her, and decided to break up with me. I feel like that was the moment something snapped on her brain, and she figured the way things were going. She told me that even though she liked me, if she had to choose between staying with me or working on herself, she'd have to take the latter.

We kept talking as usual on the phone, and i wanted her to come back to me. For me there was a way to balance between her studies and the time she spent with me but she didn't thought the same. The last time i had seem her(after B/U), she had heard from her aunt that i wasn't looking well after our break up, and she got preoccupied; after that i convinced her to come see me one last time, and she couldn't say no. I talked to her and told her how much i missed her, and at that day, i made my best to seem like i wasn't depressed or sick. It went well.

We had reattained our relationship, but i didn't get better.

She had said she didn't love me before, and that was something that kept hurting until this day. And that was probably the reason why we went back to fighting about wether this should keep going on or end.

I ended up telling her i didn't tell her to come back to me, but i actually did; i was hurt, i didn't want to feel like i was a burden in her life, that's not what i wanted. I told her something along the lines "I didn't tell you to come back, i didn't bring you back, I don't want you to do like you did before... leave." I'll have trouble explaining but i was writing in pieces, and she had sent a message right between before and leave. I tried to explain so many times, but she told me to leave her alone after that, and i didn't get what had set her off. Not even i had noticed she had misinterpreted what i had wrotten. But i left, so she could cool down, but that's not what i should've done. That's the moment i'm sure i lost her.

After that she was cold to me, i noticed the lack of interest she seemed to have before was actually the thing i loved the most about talking to her. She would send short messages, even though she was still willing to talk to me, she just... i don't know.

I love her so much, i'm scared, i want to die, i don't want to live without her, i want to help her, i want to be with her, this hurts but she doesn't listen to me. She doesn't want to try anymore. I asked her if i could be on her life as a friend, a brother, a dog, i don't care, i just want to be there.

It seems like she's forgotten everything we've been through. I want her back in my life. I tried having a psychologist help me with that, but it doesn't matter how much i try to move on. I don't want to. I feel like this is unfair, the reason for our B/U, i know i hurt her, but i thought time would make her change her mind, and it hasn't.
i don't want to to convince her with my appearance, like i did before, i just wanted to be loved; Like i did to her. But i didn't noticed the closer i got the more she hurt. She was okay before me.

 This is the best vent i've had so far.
 Thank you.

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[once removed]

She perceived that as an attempt to leave her, and decided to break up with me.

what did she say when this happened? what was her reasoning for breaking up with you?

[Dann]

@once removed

what did she say when this happened? what was her reasoning for breaking up with you?

She said she had to choose between her or me. I took a while to notice the reason for the breakup, but once i started researching on bpd, i learned what i had done to make her so defensive towards me.

I want to forget our relationship and just focus on helping her someway. Last time we talked she told me she had been going out a lot recently and i assumed she was with someone else and asked if i was right. She blew up. Said she had a family and her grandmother needed her, therefore she'd take her out often. I told her i was sorry and i couldn't help asking that because i had been stressed lately.

She didn't explain it properly, but i think happened because of that misinterpreted discussion we had on she leaving me the first time. I tried to contact her a couple of times after that, then she told me she had grown sick of me.

it's been a while since our B/U and her grandfather has passed away recently. She's struggling to deal with his death and has to take care of her grandmother. She told me her world has been falling apart; and all i can do is bring up our relationship on every conversation we have.

She doesn't want my help; she's lost her trust and respect for me. Everytime i try to ask how she's doing she just says she's fine. I don't know what to do, i don't want to bring up her grandfather because i feel like she's trying to forget that, but also, i want to help her someway. Even tho i feel like all i give her is pain every time i try to contact her. She never ignores me, except when i try to talk about my feelings. Sorry for the huge piece of text.

[once removed]

She doesn't want my help;

your help comes off differently as an ex romantic partner, than it does as a romantic partner.

its parsed. it may be perceived as self serving. it may be perceived as smothering. and it may be either of those things, or something more complicated.

I want to forget our relationship and just focus on helping her someway.

do you mean this?

an ex romantic partner is in a very complicated position to help. if that is your goal, first and foremost, you may need to be prepared to give a lot of space, and allow for the transition from romantic partners to friends.

if your goal is to get back together, you may be complicating things for yourself. it will help to invest in learning what broke down the relationship over time. if you approach it from the standpoint of "it was my partner and her bpd", youre really talking about a one up/one down relationship, and thats not an equation she will be eager to get back into.

She doesn't want my help; she's lost her trust and respect for me. Everytime i try to ask how she's doing she just says she's fine. I don't know what to do, i don't want to bring up her grandfather because i feel like she's trying to forget that, but also, i want to help her someway. Even tho i feel like all i give her is pain every time i try to contact her. She never ignores me, except when i try to talk about my feelings.

dont push, dont chase. give her some room to come to you.

[Dann]

Thank you so much for the reply. I'll follow your advice and wait for now.