Hi, I am trying to let go of a situation and move on from it, but the more I read about BPD, the more I see a lot about "mirroring" in everyone's stories, and I wonder if my ex maybe has something else going on other than BPD. She was never officially diagnosed as she ceased going to therapy, but BPD, or cPTSD, was suspected.
Here is the thing, people say those with BPD don't have identities and will lie and mirror your own interests, but that never happened with me and my partner. We had been together for 3 years, we are the same age, now both in our 30s. When we met, she was the one who told me all about herself and her interests first, and I couldn't believe how similar she was to me. It was to the point where
I actually felt like she would think I was lying and pretending to have the same interests just to get with her. But it was just an amazing thing, from our core beliefs, to the things we collected, to the way we designed.. the activities we loved, all the same. I used to say she was the human version of Spotify for me. She also had things she loved to do on her own, that I wasn't very fond of, like golfing and scuba diving. She had a career, and took care of herself.
I wasn't perfect in the relationship, but she gave her all. She was really into fitness and would meal prep, she always made sure I had food. Dinner was made every night. We would do chores together, and we had our rituals and routines. She always showed up when she said she was going to, she showed up for me in ways no one ever had. But she became unhappy within the relationship because I struggled with showing affection. Eventually I went to therapy and was DX'd with an avoidant attachment style, I felt really bad for hurting her and causing her to question if I loved her. She never left me through any of this, and was always a support in my corner. I've been in therapy for quite some time now and have made major improvements.
In spite of how much she cared about me, and how much fun we had, she was constantly flipping out on me for the strangest things, and constantly accusing me of cheating. It all started early on, there were blips of this rage inside of her, I would do something that triggered it (It could be not putting my pajamas on, using the bathroom at night, or receiving text messages), she would swear I was on my way to see someone, or I wasn't in the bathroom, I had just gotten home from cheating, or there was some other woman texting me non-platonically. This would send her into a rage, she would break things, throw things, punch holes in walls, and then usually hide in the bathroom and self harm. At first she would apologize, but over time she started blaming me for everything and all of her feelings. It was all my fault, she would call me names, and say I "made her feel this way" it was my fault because I "couldn't love her," etc. She would constantly block and delete me, and then act as if this wasn't harmful in any way. What I saw in this, was someone in absolute distress and felt bad for her. Early in the relationship when she first raged, we discussed it, and she claimed that her ex husband cheated and that's why she has these flash backs and triggers. Thing is, she never actually caught him cheating. She apologized and went into therapy, but that didn't last because she felt invalidated in the sense that she was being blamed for it all, while I pretended nothing was wrong with me (And in hindsight, it was true, it took me awhile to get it and enroll myself in therapy)
Moving forward, I would later find out that she was actually the one who cheated on her ex husband, I had access to her email and I had found a trove of email exchanges between her and older men during her marriage. It was clear that she had an extensive pattern in her life where she would be with a man her age, feel like he wasn't providing enough emotionally, then she would sneak off with older men (15-25 years older than her) and get validation from them in order to cope with the lack in her primary relationship. She has a history of sexual abuse, and I am guessing that's where the age-gap of these men comes into play. We talked about it, and she said she used the older men for "cushions" for so long, that she doesn't know how to cope without it. After that point, whenever she would rage, she would usually say she hates that I know her, and know these things about her, and she would admit to me that she was suicidal. Again, hating me for now knowing that about her too. Then she would go off in life, bubbly and well put together as ever, as if nothing were wrong.
As it would turn out, I noticed a similar cycle with me -- She didn't feel I was present enough emotionally (And honestly, I wasn't at the time), so she started flirting with men online. We broke up, and the same day she formed a pseudo-relationship with a 48 year old man whom she led on for the entire year we were separated. She allowed him to take her on trips, buy her things, and believe they would be together for ever, all while verbalizing to me it was "unhealthy" and she "knows what her problems are" but until I fixed mine she was going to "do what she had to do." I actually have self-esteem, and wasn't cool with it, so I kept my distance. We were in touch constantly, though, but she spoke as though she was entitled to this behavior since I hadn't fixed myself yet. She told me she didn't trust me yet - that I could be there for her in the way she needed, and believe me, I understand. If there was one thing she was good at, it was putting up boundaries, and ultimately those boundaries led me to becoming a much better version of myself. But, just because I had some issues, it didn't make her coping mechanisms healthy. She was clearly just as sick but in a different way.
Recently I saw her again and stayed with her for 2 months - Since I had been in therapy and had a lot of changes in me, we wanted to see how things would go. It was the same BS, but worse, I never saw her so stressed. I mean, how could it have been different? She wasn't treated! She was on social media constantly getting attention from men, still leading the 48 year old on (and lying to me, and him, about it), flipping out on me for EVERYTHING, road raging, etc. I tried to use the tools I learned in therapy, asking her to talk to me and resolve things, but she would tell me my perspective didn't matter, I was nothing but a liar. I received a call from a friend and she flipped out saying why did I come to her house claiming I wanted a relationship when clearly I have someone else. Told me to leave or she'd call the cops. When she cooled down she asked me who was calling, I told her it was a friend and she just shouted at me calling me a liar and a fraud. We ended up having a decent conversation at some point, and she told me she had mental health issues she needed to work on before she could ever be in a relationship, so that is what she was going to do. I said good, I hope so. And after 2 months of living with her, I left so she could get the help she needed.
I left, and as per usual we stayed in contact. However, 2 weeks after I left I see she is in a relationship with a new guy (15 years older than her), met him online, met once in person, and is going move into a different state to be with him. She won't be honest about this though, she refers to him as a "friend." What the
? I just wanted nothing to do with her at this point, I ghosted her. I don't play games like this.
She has sent me a few texts, really upset saying she's stressed out, where I am -- I do feel bad because I am in a foreign country and she is worried, but instead of verbalizing that she once again called me names, blamed me for her feelings, and said she can't talk to me any more because I am "chaotic" and she's ending our "friendship." She left a voicemail telling me that she will no longer reach out to me, and won't respond to anything should I reach out to her, and she wishes me the best. So I thought, ok it's done on her end also. But 2 weeks later (2 days ago in this timeline) I get a text from her with a meme that said, "Mood: Deleted, blocked, muted, F#ck you".. And it's like, what the heck? She said she was done with me, but she was waiting for 2 weeks for me to react? Not to mention, she supposedly has a new older boyfriend she is moving to be with, so why even be thinking about me?
I struggled with ghosting her, I've felt guilty, this woman has been my best friend for 3 years, and I just discarded her with no explanation. She does so much for me that shows me she cares. I've struggled with feeling like it was my avoidant attachment issues that caused this in her, like it was my fault. But watching her behave like this... it's completely unstable, and I see this is something within her. I also remember she has a history of sexual abuse, older hidden men, rage, and blaming others, it didn't begin with me, it continued with me! And still, it continues. I have to repeat to myself every morning, "She is sick" and remind myself that though yes, I have issues as well, I immediately enrolled in therapy to bring myself to an optimal health, while she spent a year leading a 48 year old man on to fill her emotional voids, and is now onto someone else. But beneath it all, she's hurting, she barely exists, I know the truth underneath the smile she puts on for every one. She is objectively attractive, and uses her looks and body for attention and to feel worth something, but underneath is so much pain and misery. It's difficult because I know the truth, and I still love her. She thinks moving will solve her issues, that I am the monster incapable of love, and the novelty of new people will be enough to soothe her...until when? None of it makes sense. Love comes from actually seeing each other raw, and embarking on a journey of health, not putting on a mask and pretending to be perfect for the next person. That isn't love, it's escapism. But still, I feel like it was me, like I caused it all, and if only I tended to my avoidancy issues earlier it would have been OK, and maybe I am the monster and these new men will be a bed of health and wholeness for her.
In many ways, it does sound like BPD, but it just throws me off that she has an identity and interests that are her own, as opposed to having mirrored me. Can people with BPD have an actual identity and also care deeply for their partner, in addition to the illness?
