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Author Topic: I looked around to see the water boiling and wondered when that happened.  (Read 392 times)
Tape
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 2


« on: November 11, 2020, 03:05:08 PM »

This is my first post and I truly do not know where to begin.

...

“You will leave me once your parents find out xxxxxxxx,” she said.

“Of course I won’t,”  I responded.

“Yes,” she said.  “You WILL.”

That was perhaps seven months into the relationship, and we spent the next hour arguing about what I didn’t due in a fictional situation. 

It was the first time I noticed something was odd, but people have a right to their feelings.  Their feelings are real, though the events that create them might not be.  No matter what I said, she wouldn’t believe me, instead she simply got more and more upset.

To be clear, even after 4 years and being ghosted by her recently I still love her.  She is bright, playful, intelligent, passionate, giving, and fit my unique personality perfectly.  At 40 I had completely given up at finding my perfect match and had decided to settle… and then I met her.  In the past it had always taken me months before I could tell someone I loved them; with her it was just weeks.  After three months we were talking about marriage and blending families.

...

We had been together for four years and I had been afraid for two.  I felt as if I were always walking on thin ice and every step I took would create more cracks underneath. 

I had specific rules to follow.  There were certain sidewalks I could walk on in the neighborhood and ones that I couldn’t.  I could never go out with friends.  If we were out and ran into people I knew I would have to introduce her, talk about what she did and tell her that I was proud of her.  Which I would have done anyway, it was just a rule.

These things happened over time, slowly, and in retrospect I realized that I was simply blind to the accumulated result.  What we had was not healthy.

I had begun to see a therapist two years into the relationship.  It was the first time I had ever gone; but I was going through stress at work as they were outsourcing my job, and the arguments with her were becoming increasingly more intense.  She would throw things, slap the walls with both hands, call me hideous names and accuse me of affairs.  She was afraid of being left, and her behavior made me want to retreat; it was an ugly cycle.

A few months into my sessions with my therapist he said, “I can’t diagnose someone that I’ve never met, but she’s exhibiting many signs of BPD.”  And from there, in addition to seeing me for external stressors he also provided me the tools to cope.  He told me to set boundaries.  He was very clear that what we had was not healthy and professional assistance was required.

And things began to get worse.  The name calling was vicious.  If I had a pressing deadline at work she would send 93 ptexts getting more and more angry that I wasn’t responding to all of them.  She referred to my daughter as a bitch, arguing that I had said it and she was just quoting me; which was simply untrue.  She would call 22 times in a row.  She went through my trash.  She demanded my Facebook password.  She knew who I had dated in the past looked up my exes and found out where they worked.  She accused me of giving her an STD.  The last of which we were both tested and there was no STD.   I questioned how the results would turn out, I had remained faithful.  I am still faithful, though perhaps that is the wrong word now since we are no longer dating.

I cannot say definitively that she has BPD, but the symptoms are there.  Fear of abandonment, fierce and cruel anger, distrust, family issues… Even now I still love her, and while we were together I was likely too patient.  Do you have a right to get angry at someone who can’t control how their mind works?  Isn’t that wrong?  How can I help?  Could I do a little more to make her feel safe?

She choked me once, in an Airbnb in Nashville.  She had had too much to drink, and to be fair, so had I.  I looked at her and said slowly, “Kill me.” 

I was wrong to throw gasoline on the fire there.  I shouldn’t have aggravated her further.  She removed her hand and has since blamed me for making her do it.

I’ve had to call the police on her, I’ve barricaded the front and back doors with combinations of couches and ladders in case she had made a spare key.  I knew it was bad, but itemizing some of it here gives me some greater perspective.

I have not been perfect, to be clear.  At some points in time faced with consistent accusations of infidelity, or after she had yet again called me a stupid little b@stard, I have gotten angry.  Rarely, but it did occur.

That happened ten days ago when I found out she had started dating.  As I said, we had broken up after four years, so I want to be very, very clear that dating someone is not something I can ever hold against her.  But I did get angry; extremely angry, and sent an unfair and cruel email.  It was as though all the frustrations and hurts and confusions boiled to the surface… and my email was toxic.  I own my actions.  There is no excuse; a reason perhaps, but not an excuse.

We are both moderately successful and well known in our community.  She owns rental houses and participates in local art scene on a regular basis getting a fair amount of media attention.  I was a commissioner for a decade and always talk to my neighbors.  I have three sources of income.  We both manage a fair amount successfully.

After my inexcusable email she ghosted me. She’ll email about the investment house we own together, but it will primarily be professional.  We are both done.  We both have become people we never wanted to be.

Which brings me to why I am typing this today.

I struggle to understand how to feel.  I am ashamed that I shouldered so much abuse and never told anyone.  I am embarrassed that I let it happen.  I still love her immensely, which feels so incredibly wrong.  I am both simultaneously grateful and saddened that she has found someone else.  I feel like a failure… I TRIED to help, and I let her down.  I don’t have any anger, or resentment; I simply want to heal. 

I just don’t understand what I am feeling; the only thing I know is that it hurts.
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art_is_great

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Complicated
Posts: 7


« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2020, 06:59:18 PM »

This is my first post and I truly do not know where to begin.

  In the past it had always taken me months before I could tell someone I loved them; with her it was just weeks.  After three months we were talking about marriage and blending families.


I think people often mistake  an intense attraction for love.  It takes time to love someone. Saying it early and blending families early isn't special or romantic, it's a red flag.  Love, real love, long-lasting love, that takes time.

I think by now you see the intensity was to overshadow the horrors of what was to come. And I really do not think it's conscious manipulation on their end, I think they are desperate for love, desperate to feel wanted, to feel like they belong, and so they come on very strong in the beginning, but slowly the cracks begin to surface.

Excerpt
I struggle to understand how to feel.  I am ashamed that I shouldered so much abuse and never told anyone.  I am embarrassed that I let it happen.  I still love her immensely, which feels so incredibly wrong.  I am both simultaneously grateful and saddened that she has found someone else.  I feel like a failure… I TRIED to help, and I let her down.  I don’t have any anger, or resentment; I simply want to heal.  

You struggle to understand because none of it makes any sense. These people are dysfunctional at their core, it's sad, it really is, but their MO is chaos, and that's why we are all here left scratching our heads.

Do you feel you failed because she is now "getting help" in the arms of another man?  I experienced those feelings, too.  Mine moved on to another, what I now call supply, only 14 days after I left her house. I convinced myself it was my fault, and that if only I did this or that, I could have been more stable for her, etc.  I convinced myself this new guy is whole and healthy and will offer an environment for her to grow and heal from whatever my issues were in the relationship.

But you know what? I don't think that's true.  These people need extensive therapy treatment before they could ever be in anything functional. They very fact they move on so quickly is in direct negation to creating a healthy new relationship.  None of what they do is healthy.  None.  

And yea, it sucks, it's difficult.  I miss my ex too, some days I am physically ill.  But what I do know is that those of us here willing to face our heartache, and work through the pain -- we are doing the right thing, the healthy thing.  While the pwBPD can not be alone, they can't sit with their pain, they "move on" to the next to numb everything out. How can they be happy?  They are not, and in time things will end with your exes new partner as well.
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Tape
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2020, 08:05:42 PM »

I appreciate your reply.  Until today I have never shared what I had been going through over the last few years.  It's both horrifying and cathartic.

Though I sincerely believe that people can easily sympathize, I question if they can empathize unless they have also has an experience that is similar.  I'm grateful that I found this group.

You asked a question: Why I think that I failed.  It's because I am almost positive that this is what has affected her life for years.  It's why her mother won't return her phone calls, or why she hasn't talked to her father in a decade, it's why friendships have failed and her first marriage fell apart.  Those are all assumptions, of course, but reasonable considering my experiences and the disorder.  I failed because I couldn't get her help.

Though moving to another relationship hurts, it still doesn't mean that I hold any malice at all.  I want her to be happy, and to do that she has to be healthy; the guilt I feel is that I couldn't help her get the help she needed.  She deserves happiness.

It's a difficult internal struggle.  When does my well-being become more important that the well-being of the person I love?  When am I being selfish?  I spent two years trying to help.

In the end though, I am grateful that she has found someone else.  It's the last line of the last page of a four year novel.  My part of the story is done.  I can heal, learn, grow, and find peace.  My fear is that she never will, which is a regret that I might never get over.

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art_is_great

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Complicated
Posts: 7


« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2020, 08:22:38 PM »

I appreciate your reply.  Until today I have never shared what I had been going through over the last few years.  It's both horrifying and cathartic.

It's really important to talk about these things, you can't keep it bottled up; and it's helpful to receive thoughts from other's who are not so up close to your particular story



Excerpt
You asked a question: Why I think that I failed.  It's because I am almost positive that this is what has affected her life for years.  It's why her mother won't return her phone calls, or why she hasn't talked to her father in a decade, it's why friendships have failed and her first marriage fell apart.  Those are all assumptions, of course, but reasonable considering my experiences and the disorder.  I failed because I couldn't get her help.

You can't save anyone, though.  That's a choice someone has to make themselves.  Really.  They have to want it, and they have to do it.

You know, there was a time in my relationship where my ex pleaded with me to go to therapy.  She would say something was wrong with me, and she wanted us to get healthy.  I thought she was crazy, I would say, "Nothing is wrong with me, if only you would stop yelling at me this would all be ok."    She had like a portal of awareness where she really wanted help, for both of us, and I dropped the ball.  The guilt I feel over that is extreme.  Like, I saw the real her, the "monster," and she was begging for help and I was too self-centered.  But even now, I look back and I think.. "Ok, once I woke up, I went to therapy.  I did that for myself, for my health.  What has she been doing this past year?   She asked me back in January to help her find a therapist, and I did, she never went! She spent an entire year manipulating an older man, when she could have put that time and energy into therapy."  She CHOSE not to seek help.  So did your ex.  It's not up to us to save any one.  People who want to get healthy will get healthy.

Excerpt
Though moving to another relationship hurts, it still doesn't mean that I hold any malice at all.  I want her to be happy, and to do that she has to be healthy; the guilt I feel is that I couldn't help her get the help she needed.  She deserves happiness.
  I can guarantee you she won't get that through jumping into another relationship.  She's repeating a cycle.

Excerpt
It's a difficult internal struggle.  When does my well-being become more important that the well-being of the person I love?  When am I being selfish?  I spent two years trying to help.

I understand, it seems the answer is "now." No?  But I understand.  My concept of love is one in which I struggle every day knowing I ghosted someone I truly care about.  But what choice did I have?  Nothing was getting better, and communication was no longer easy.  I feel all sorts of guilt, and I do believe that when we love someone sometimes we put ourselves aside for them.  Hell, my ex put herself aside for me many times, and I grew immensely as a person for it. But... my story, your story, other's stories..they are all so similar.  There's a mental health variable at play, a personality disorder, it's rough.  It kind of reminds me of a death, like, you know the person is terminally ill and there's nothing you can do but watch in despair as it all ends.

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Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2020, 03:12:01 PM »

Hey Tape, Welcome!  art-is-great makes some excellent points.  You story, sad to say, is quite familiar.  Of course you feel like a failure and are struggling to make sense of it all.  Understanding will take time and distance from past events.  In the meantime, I suggest you return the focus to yourself, to you and your needs.  You've been through an ordeal.  Be kind to yourself.  Put yourself first for a change.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  It's easy to get off course in a BPD r/s.  Now is the time for a return to authenticity.  Listen to your gut feelings.  You get the idea!  I've been there, my friend, and it does get better.

LuckyJim
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