Wife has BPD

[MickeyMouse11]

Hey gang,

I’m new here. I’m a counselor and I’ve come to the realization that my wife has BPD. The first sign of this was when she lashed out and insulted me over text when I decided to help my mom go through pictures of my aunt who passed away two days prior rather than go take care of her (she lived an hour away) when she was feeling really upset about something. When I eventually got to her later that night she ran outside crying saying “I didn’t mean any of it”. This type of behavior has continued for the nearly 3 years we’ve been together. She’s even been physically violent with me and verbally abusive a lot but she apologizes for it nearly every time and says she will try to work on it. The problem is she refuses to attend counseling services (ironic because I’m a counselor) due to people telling her she needed it when she was young and basically her whole life so she could learn assertive training. Her BPD was really brought out in our relationship (fear of abandonment). I’m empathetic with her situation because 1. I understand how difficult this is on her and 2. I’m not going to give up on her because I love her, I’m not going to abandon her. We are married and I made a commitment knowing this was a problem and knowing it would get worse before it gets better.

I’m curious if anyone else is in a similar situation and could help me with easing her into counseling? Every time I brought it up in the past she took it as a harsh insult even when I brought it up calmly and casually, it triggers her rage instantly...so I just feel stuck and lost not knowing what to do. What are some things I can do as her spouse to make this easier for her?

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[once removed]

hi MickeyMouse11, and

What are some things I can do as her spouse to make this easier for her?

shortly and simply, you can educate yourself, on the disorder, on how you can support her, and how you can support yourself. the lessons at the top of the board are a great place to start. it gets better; none of us are born with the skills to deal with bpd traits, but we can master them, and it can make a real difference.

how long ago was the physical violence? what happened?

[MickeyMouse11]

The physical violence was within the last 3 months, multiple times. She will get so mad so quickly and when I try to calm her down she gets more mad (usually because I don’t say anything in response to her insults) and she will scream at the top of her lungs and then hit me, slap me, kick me, etc. she’s spit in my face a few times as well. It doesn’t hurt physically at all, she’s very tiny and I can protect myself without harming her. I will never and would never hurt her verbally or physically, I just stand there in silence normally, which only makes things worse.

[NonBP73]

This is so hard. I've been dealing with something almost the same for over 15 years.