Trying to reconcile with non-diagnosed bpd ex, but complicated

[Sandy Vernacular]

Hi, first post here, this board seems to be an amazing resource.

I am married (now separated) however I entered a relationship outside my marriage about 2 years ago (I know, I know...).  It was the first time straying for me, and after a fulfilling affair, I came to believe my new relationship partner has undiagnosed bpd after reading a lot.  Both relationships crashed and burned a few months ago for typical reasons. 

More detail: I am attempting to reconcile with my affair partner because that's who I'm in love with.  I believe that person has bpd and is interacting with me over the phone with nothing but verbal abuse.  There are major trust issues and this person seems to find fault with everything I do now, to the point of ridiculousness.

I'm trying to tell myself to move on, but I just cannot yet.  It's so difficult.  The love-bombing hooked me early on in the relationship, and then due to my married status I was slowly split and weaned out of the relationship.  Ghosting, blocking, major fault-finding, and general verbal abuse happens when we do communicate.  Partner and I have been on/off for most of the 1.5 years.  It's a dark place, and much of my life has changed dramatically in the past 12 months.  Any advice is appreciated!  I do not know how to have boundaries any more.

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[HopelessBroken]

Welcome Sandy!

We are glad you are here.

I too had an affair with a pwBPD. I left my husband of 20 years for him. He made me feel so alive and loved. The passion and excitement was crazy wonderful, until it wasn’t. I was manipulated, verbally abused and brain washed all while totally in love. How that is possible only makes sense to a person who’s been in a relationship with a pwBPD.

It sounds as if you two are communicating, and you are trying to get back together. What are the issues on his end as to why he’s resistant to working on the relationship?

And I completely understand the difficulties in setting boundaries. I have struggled with codependency and boundaries have been so tough for me. There are good resources on this site around communication and setting boundaries for people in a relationship with a BPD partner.

The place where you are at is really painful. I’ve been there. My husband was gone and my BPD partner was gone. I wondered what I had done with my life. Are you working with a therapist? That was huge in helping me when I was where you currently are.

You will get through this time when things feel very dark. There is a lot of support here, and we understand.  We are here.

[Sandy Vernacular]

Hi HB, thank you for your reply.  Yes, the affair was passion, alive, exciting, everything.  Love bombing. I was so inexperienced after many years of marriage, I had no idea what I was allowing my heart to endure.  I'm in therapy, the first time my therapist said my AP may be "BPD" I thought he was referring to bipolar disorder.  I had no clue.

My object of affection and I are communicating as of a few days ago, but I'm, again as of yesterday, ghosted.  A huge part of me wants to sign up for "trying" with my pwBPD, and secure the relationship, then slowly reel in and set boundaries.  Will that work?  I am generally a strong person but I find my heart is so invested it will only go in one direction for right now.  Resistance from my BPD partner has to do with the fact that during separation I was maintaining my married relationship but not being up front about it (I was scared to).  That double life was and is my weakness and burden.  But during the affair, my pwBPD partner pulled away from me several times (breakups, ghosting, blocking), and I became extremely insecure, running to my spouse for consolation.  My spouse saw me pulling away, and hysterically bonded (an interesting phenomenon in itself), drawing me in and I caved.  In prior months, the affair had been revealed and spouse and I were maybe trying to work things out.

I'm afraid to set boundaries with pwBPD as I'm certain it will end our relationship for good.  I'd rather wait, and be in a slightly more powerful position in the relationship before I do.

Yes this is probably the most painful thing I've ever gone through.  I'm generally a strong person, but this puts everything to the test.  Both partners are gone from me right now.  Thanks for the kind words.