Who did you turn down?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’m a big fan of Dr. Phil. I do believe that he is rather full of himself, but he is a smart man. The shows or reruns I watch are usually about couples, where one partner is abusive. The more I know about BPD, I am convinced that the abusive mate most likely had BPD, even though Dr. Phil never diagnosis anyone on his show. I remember one show where this woman was crying and saying how much she loved and wanted to stay with her abusive husband. This was after she told Dr. Phil and the world all the horrible things he did and said. They even had video of his horrible behavior. So, Dr Phil looks at her and says something along the line of ( this not actually what he said word for word)  after all that he has put you through, this is who you desperately want to be with? This is word for word, “who is it that you turned down?”

It easy to look at or read someone else’s blog and wonder why the hell they are they crying about this person that treated them so horribly, you should be celebrating. But I know  it’s a lot harder to see it, when it’s you that is going through it. I wouldn’t be on this site, if it wasn’t. After all, when it was good, it was really good. I think what it is that holds me back, is the void that is left in my life. Since these people are overly attached to us, went spent a lot of time with them. I miss having someone to eat dinner with, watch a movie with and go places with. I look around and see so many things that remind me of the good times. I’m lonely and with Covid, there is not a lot of things we can do right now.
What I do know is that, I will live through this and come out a better person. The percentage of people with BP is extremely low. Even if you find someone that you still have conflict with, which is normal in all relationships, at least they will be living in reality. We can’t change these people, but what we can do is work on us, learn how to fight fair and realizing that being right doesn’t alway make us happy, then we bring the best us we have to the next relationship. Learn from your mistakes.

Most of you on this site are relatively young. There are so many people out there that would love to be treated the way you tired to treat your BP. I’m 67 and have more years behind me than in front of me. It’s hard to find people to love at this age. I have to believe that life has a plan for me and there is a brighter future a head and if I don’t find someone I will still be ok. You got to love yourself before you can really love someone else.

I will get down from my soapbox now.

[B53]

I’m a big fan of Dr. Phil. I do believe that he is rather full of himself, but he is a smart man. The shows or reruns I watch are usually about couples, where one partner is abusive. The more I know about BPD, I am convinced that the abusive mate most likely had BPD, even though Dr. Phil never diagnosis anyone on his show. I remember one show where this woman was crying and saying how much she loved and wanted to stay with her abusive husband. This was after she told Dr. Phil and the world all the horrible things he did and said. They even had video of his horrible behavior. So, Dr Phil looks at her and says something along the line of ( this not actually what he said word for word)  after all that he has put you through, this is who you desperately want to be with? This is word for word, “who is it that you turned down?”

It easy to look at or read someone else’s blog and wonder why the hell they are they crying about this person that treated them so horribly, you should be celebrating. But I know  it’s a lot harder to see it, when it’s you that is going through it. I wouldn’t be on this site, if it wasn’t. After all, when it was good, it was really good. I think what it is that holds me back, is the void that is left in my life. Since these people are overly attached to us, went spent a lot of time with them. I miss having someone to eat dinner with, watch a movie with and go places with. I look around and see so many things that remind me of the good times. I’m lonely and with Covid, there is not a lot of things we can do right now.
What I do know is that, I will live through this and come out a better person. The percentage of people with BP is extremely low. Even if you find someone that you still have conflict with, which is normal in all relationships, at least they will be living in reality. We can’t change these people, but what we can do is work on us, learn how to fight fair and realizing that being right doesn’t alway make us happy, then we bring the best us we have to the next relationship. Learn from your mistakes.

Most of you on this site are relatively young. There are so many people out there that would love to be treated the way you tired to treat your BP. I’m 67 and have more years behind me than in front of me. It’s hard to find people to love at this age. I have to believe that life has a plan for me and there is a brighter future a head and if I don’t find someone I will still be ok. You got to love yourself before you can really love someone else.

I will get down from my soapbox now.

[HopelessBroken]

You can stay on your soapbox, you said this very well! 

The one thing I will add, is the importance of looking inward, focusing on why we stayed to endure the bad treatment and putting our energy into working on ourselves. This helps the healing faster than focusing on their behavior or what they are doing now.  It will also make us healthier and ready for a positive relationship experience ahead.

Healthy attracts healthy.

[Cromwell]

Ah, well in response to "full of himself", I take that as the persona, or mask, that TV personalities need to find and use in order to - basically - be a tv personality and keep that audience interested.

what keeps interest? full of oneself- narcissism types that have a bit of magnetic charisma, thats what is in high demand, of, a narcissistic based society.

its interesting how many tv personalities can pull that off and actually behave very much different in their off-stage lives. many examples. As for the quote itself, very deep and thanks for sharing. It is relevant and thought provoking to pose that question

[B53]

I don’t disagree, I have a love hate relationship with Dr. Phil, but he is a smart man. He talks about the different ways people argue, which I have gone back to many times. When people argue, they usually want to be right, they want to win. If you win then the other person loses. Is that how you really want the person you love to feel? Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? What I learned made me a stronger person.

I feel like this got me through several of my BP devaluations.
Most of the time I would walk away and not engage in his unfounded behaviors. I refused to admit to any wrong doing of something I didn’t do and I admitted  when I was wrong ( which was harder to do). We were together almost two years. The first five months I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to be with him. Of course he chased me and I kept asking myself why I couldn’t fall for this nice guy, not knowing what I was dealing with. I just knew he was different. Everyone kept telling me what a nice guy he was and he treated me well. I finally jumped in. We were together for seven months when he started his BPD episodes. The first three or four times, I tossed it up to getting to know and understand each other and of course he knew all the right things to say. It seemed like it came about every two months. Then I broke up with him, telling him I deserved to be treated with dignity and respect. He begged me to come back and said that I always had one foot out the door and he was right. He suggested couples counseling and we went. Unfortunately, the counselor was terrible and really didn’t understand the dynamics. I made a promises to not run and stay to work things out. That’s went he started breaking up with me when there was a conflict.  I knew something wasn’t right with him and I started googling multiple personality disorder and I came across BPD and boy did that fit. After the next argument I showed him what I found and he actually looked into it and agreed. I told him he had to get counseling or it was over. He has a really good counselor. I said that I would stand by him through it. He was abused by his father when he was young and I think the therapy was triggering him more. After he was diagnosed with BPD I realized that he couldn’t help what he was doing and that it was really not about me. I also realized that our relationship was a fantasy and not love and how one sided it was. I was also feeling that the devaluing was starting to take its toll. I feel like our last interaction, in a way I started and knew if I didn’t respond, he would leave and he did. He sent me an email saying he could see how much he was hurting me and even though he wanted to be with me he felt it would be kinder to let me heal and that he was going to focus on recovery. There was relief then great sadness. I’m on this site to figure out why I am so sad. It would be easier if I  he could help it and I was angry. I think there is some guilt for not sticking around and giving him a chance to try and get better. I read that people do get better with therapy and maybe I bailed to early. I’m now alone and there is a void. Then I wonder if his insightful email was another BP knowing the right thing to say. I now figured that he is probably is attaching to his therapist.  I know I could reach out and continue the dance. My head says run, but my heart still cares. I know that I will eventually hear from him because there are some things that need to be settled before there is a clean break. I’m hoping that my heart will be listening to my head my then.
I know this is a very long reply to such a short response but it was rather healing.
 
So to make a long story short I would be in worse shape if it wasn’t for Dr. Phil.

[Inside]

‘Who did I turn down?’  Well, actually, my BPD’d mate allowed me to find out.  Between one of our seven breakups, I spent time with a far healthier woman..  But so ..boring in comparison.  Nothing like the addictive crazy I’d return to

Four years younger than you, it’s like the good ones are taken, and only the crazies remain..  Seems every cool, with-it, level-headed woman I meet is married ..or in a committed r/s.  And, likely still somewhat shell-shocked from my BPD experience, the least bit crazy no longer holds any allure..   

I am (finally) over my BP, seemed to have taken around five years, and a lot of time around here.  Mine had a co-morbid disorder of Histrionic PD, though BPD ruled.  And given the close association of those ‘cluster B’ disorders, I notice them all over the place..  Makes it much easier to dodge, though.

I feel settled alone.  And though having been in love since the BP experience, backed away, and am now glad I did … leaving me to wonder.. Is there really any good reason to pair up at this age?  It’s like the sex drive did it’s thing, now they’re (my daughters) moving toward marriage and all that brings.  Me?  Though possible, no more kids.

Regarding Dr. Phil, I’ve avoided him.  But having listened to numerous interviews and podcasts about someone so obviously BPD’d … it’s frustrating to have it remain ‘un-diagnosed.’  Occasionally, an ‘update’ might describe BPD being the source of various behavior, calming me down some ..I see it often. 

I’m rambling 

[B53]

Thanks for your reply. I understand the doctor Phil thing, you’re not alone with your feelings. For me, he helped me see things differently and look more closely to what I put into a relationship. I read his book, Relationship Rescue and paid particular attention to the styles people use to argue. I sadly saw parts of myself in a few. Too often when people are arguing, we take the position that  it’s me against them. If you love someone, shouldn’t we be on the same team. Why would you want to hurt the person that you say you love. Just saying

[B53]

Hi Inside,
I had written a much longer reply to your post, but for some reason, only the first paragraph sent and I didn't feel like typing it again right then.

Anyway, don't give up! I intend to keep looking for love, until I find someone or die, which ever comes first. It's not that I can't be happy alone. I've had four or five years between several relationships and I was happy. I have had at least four relationships that have been very loving. They ended for various reasons, but none of them ended nasty. Even the bp relationship ended sadly, but with very little drama.

It's nice to know that there are other people on this site that are close to my age. My last three relationship were with men that were born in 57. There are many people on here that haven't had the life experiences that comes with age. If they are lucky, this will be a defining moment in their life and they will learn valuable lessons that will help them avoid future mistakes.

SO, DON"T GIVE UP!

[Cromwell]

Hi B53

Thanks for sharing I found it both interesting and helpful to feel some of the compassion you have for your ex and understanding. I was a little drunk when I wrote my post so hopefully take it lightly, I have only Dr Phil momentarily browsing on youtube, my view which looking at it now maybe not much relevance to it , take lightly, thanks.

It was nice to hear how much compassion you have, the relationship and learning about BPD. Id just like to mention that in terms of compassion, I got to a stage where I could detach better by trading the anger of the hurt for "you might never understand any of this but you know enough now that she was unwell"

somehow it took a long time to get to this but its where im at and it has made a difference.

as for new relationships, i feel ready for one, in terms of not giving up, I havent, but I have a different approach and also attraction profile then I once did. Similar to

Inside:
"And, likely still somewhat shell-shocked from my BPD experience, the least bit crazy no longer holds any allure.."

what stage im at is similar in the sense where the experience is something ive dissected for so long, reflected, researched, it has made me more heightened and observant of noticing in potential relationships certain mannerisms that are not so much "red flag" as they are "turn offs" and it stops what would have otherwise have been getting to know, take the chance, I just bypass and realise based on experience id rather not spend the time going forward.

which, creates for itself, more time to find someone that shows better promise. Often a recurring pattern I notice is folk who lament the years "stuck" in sour relationships, I did, I have been bitter for 'lost time'. The thing is, it is more efficient to take more time to get to know than it does to get emotionally deep involved and then not only stuck, but this is time going on I could have had elsewhere, someone else. In short, ive learned a hard lesson from this - getting attached was fast, easy, detaching, getting off the hook(s) far from straightforward took, literally, years.

i might also be rambling, grateful to join in with you both

[B53]

I do understand where your coming from. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt when I see a few read flags. I have a tendency to cut and run early and not give relationships a chance to grow, so I try to stick it out to make sure. I think I stuck this out for so long, because he was so agreeable to get help.
Once again, I don’t think I could be angry with him. He didn’t know when we met that anything was wrong with him. He had the BP belief that it was the other persons fault. He said I was the first person that told him how inappropriate his behavior was. He said no one ever called him out on it before. He didn’t fight going to therapy and I believe he really wants to change. He said he would do anything not to loose me. We are both hurting and blaming isn’t going to change anything. If I could get mad at anyone, it would be me, I chose to stay. After reading so many posts, it doesn’t seem like what I went through was as bad as what others are dealing with. That’s not to say that my hurt is any less. I wonder if women with BPD are a little crazier them men. He did meltdown over perceived injustices but didn’t act out in any other way. Maybe it’s just that we are older. Everyone reacts to pain differently and it’s nobody’s place to judge. If what you are doing is working for you, then I say, keep doing it.

I like to look at life, that things happen for a reason. Part of life’s lessons. Something better is waiting for us.

[momtara]

Sometimes there really aren't a lot of good people out there to turn down. Yes, someone would benefit by my treating them as well as I treated my ex. I'd do anything for someone I love. But I rarely meet a normal man at my age (late 40s) who's unattached and is passionate about something or other -- instead, lots of PD's on dating sites. Still, I keep my eyes open.

[B53]

I hope that’s not true!