Girlfriend Has A Love Hate Relationship With Me & Has Low Libido

[InsecureLover]

Hi,
My girlfriend was diagnosed with BPD and goes from being very insecure to extremely distant in a matter of days, which in turn makes me insecure and unhappy.

She has extremely high standards for herself and projects those standards onto me, so one day she'll be extremely confident, independent, distant, and critiquing of the fact I'm not "driven enough" for her, almost repulsing me for every part of who I am, and the next day she'll be the most loving, attentionate, insecure, caring and fun girlfriend there is, saying she doesn't deserve someone like me and hates herself because "she'll never be good enough to be with someone like me".

When she's with people she's not close with or with friends who are similar to her, she is extremely well-regulated, fun, composed, and amazing. But when we're together or when she's around her family, she cries all the time, has a really short temper, and is extremely critical of everything I do (my hygiene routine, the fact I'm not as go-getter as her, etc. ) When I'm more attentionate and kind to her, she seems distant, and when I get fed up with always trying to accommodate to her mood swings and initiating affection, self-protecting by not initiating anything, only then does she seem to be interested in me.

She is aware of her toxic behaviors and really wants to change (she is medicated and has a therapist), and although how I describe her seems horrible, she is a great partner and person. It's just hard to follow up with her mood swings and know how to act, when to give her more space or when to reassure her without putting my own mental health in jeopardy. Even if I love her, I have to admit I'm really tired of being stuck in a constant whirlwind of emotions and instability.

Another issue we have, which I read can have a link to BPD, is very mismatched libidos. My libido is very high and hers almost non-existant, and having experienced sexual trauma, she really isn't a fan of intimacy or sex. She is seeing a sexologist to help her out, but in the meantime, I don't know how to feel less rejected and more loved in that realm of our relationship, nor how to make her want sex / boost her libido (in a consensual way of course).

We both love each other very much, but to both of us, this relationship is very draining and often seems too complicated for a relationship involving two 21-year-old kids. We see a future with one another and have been together for 2 years; we make efforts because we know that the libido issue can be fixed and the BPD can be controlled, but it's hard and I need support.

I would really appreciate any help anyone could give me,
Thanks!

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi InsecureLover - Welcome!
Sounds like you have a bit of a challenge on your hands.  Best to examine what's actually possible, be realistic and decide what you can radically accept in a long-term relationship or marriage.  Also, if children are possible, genetics could be in play to pass on mental health issues to children, then, there is the issue of how she might parent children. 

If you read enough posts, one common thread is that the BPD partner is wonderful at times.  That's easy to accept - you are a rock star and worshipped.  The important question is can you accept the other side of it, because it's rare that the other side will be contained for the long run.

When she's with people she's not close with or with friends who are similar to her, she is extremely well-regulated, fun, composed, and amazing. But when we're together or when she's around her family, she cries all the time, has a really short temper, and is extremely critical of everything I do When she's with people she's not close with or with friends who are similar to her, she is extremely well-regulated, fun, composed, and amazing. But when we're together or when she's around her family, she cries all the time, has a really short temper, and is extremely critical of everything I do

Classic behavior.  People with BPD/BPD traits tend to save up their emotional dysregulation and dump it where they feel most comfortable doing that, which is usually with a partner and/or family.

We both love each other very much, but to both of us, this relationship is very draining and often seems too complicated for a relationship involving two 21-year-old kids. We see a future with one another and have been together for 2 years; we make efforts because we know that the libido issue can be fixed and the BPD can be controlled, but it's hard and I need support.
 

A realistic approach is to expect that the issues will continue, at least to some extent and/or periodically (during stressful life events: wedding, moving, changing a job, having children, etc.).

It's good that she is seeing a sexologist, but there is no guarantee that she can ever match your sexual drive.  The meds she takes can affect sexual drive. When she gets pregnant, she will likely discontinue her meds.  She will be more susceptible to mental health issues during and after pregnancy.

So, you need to examine your statement, "we know that the libido issue can be fixed and the BPD can be controlled".  It's likely that you will end up being stuck in a constant whirlwind of emotions and instability to some degree.  In some situations, things settle down until the wedding or the first child and then issues revert to earlier times or worse than earlier times.  You have to radically accept that you can live with the way things are now.  Things may get better at times and then worse at other times. 

[once removed]

make no mistake: mismatched libido is one of the most common relationship problems, whether its a healthy relationship, or one on the skids.

resolving it requires a lot of communication, and some give and take, some compromise. without that, its awfully hard.

She has extremely high standards for herself and projects those standards onto me, so one day she'll be extremely confident, independent, distant, and critiquing of the fact I'm not "driven enough" for her, almost repulsing me for every part of who I am, and the next day she'll be the most loving, attentionate, insecure, caring and fun girlfriend there is, saying she doesn't deserve someone like me and hates herself because "she'll never be good enough to be with someone like me".

how do you respond, to both?