Why do I keep doing it

[Foolish man]

Hi
Why do I keep getting caught in the trap, you think you are strong, your managing it , the boundaries are there. Then you get pulled right back in and before you know it , back to where you started.
Would really like to know how others manage to keep strong, whilst still being caring and considerate.
We have a 16 week old baby so no contact is not an option, and I don’t want to parallel parent as I would miss out on so much, especially at these early stages.
I need to be around to see what carnage she is causing, so how do I keep that from effecting me so much.
Any ideas would be gratefully received

[Legalalien94]

It’s hard, I have a 2 year old with my ex who has BPD. You try to set boundaries and they are constantly crossed and it often seems like a one way street.
The balance between communicating about the child and getting to involved is very tricky.
I have had to massively lower my expectations, I also practice a lot of mindfulness and anchoring.
What keeps me going is that l want to provide that stable relationship and home for them as they grow up away from the chaos.

[MrRight]

Hi
Why do I keep getting caught in the trap, you think you are strong, your managing it , the boundaries are there. Then you get pulled right back in and before you know it , back to where you started.
Would really like to know how others manage to keep strong, whilst still being caring and considerate.
We have a 16 week old baby so no contact is not an option, and I don’t want to parallel parent as I would miss out on so much, especially at these early stages.
I need to be around to see what carnage she is causing, so how do I keep that from effecting me so much.
Any ideas would be gratefully received

You are at the start of a long long road - one I have been on for 18 years and on the verge of escaping permanently.

Can you give any examples of the "carnage" she is likely to cause? Is it likely to affect your child?

[Foolish man]

Hi thanks for the replies
The carnage usually is around money or other men or personal relationships.
We have been split for about 7 weeks now and she is already on to fella 2. Unfortunately is is someone I know, but not very well.
He is already spending a lot of time around at hers and stays over.
So far there are no issues , there was with the first one almost immediately. I guess my concern is that this won’t last , then we are onto the next and next and what influence that will have on my son.
If I am honest at the moment she is doing well with the baby, he is well looked after and I have told her so. I can only hope this continues.
And if I’m really honest, I don’t like the fact that there is another fella around. I am trying to detach my feelings, are they jealousy then I should stop or is it a real concern going forward
My brain is a bit mixed up at the moment.
We communicate well and again for that I am grateful.
So it seems from the outside that all is going well, and maybe I am worrying too much and being too involved.
Perhaps I should try better and looking at my emotions and the reasons for them and setting my boundaries without feelings being involved

[FindingMe2011]

Why do I keep getting caught in the trap, you think you are strong, your managing it , the boundaries are there. Then you get pulled right back in and before you know it , back to where you started.

For me, it was never really moving past where we started. Its just what I wanted to believe, so this is what I saw.

Would really like to know how others manage to keep strong, whilst still being caring and considerate.

Eat, sleep, and exercise for starters. Maybe get some counseling. I would also suggest understanding different ways to communicate. Understanding yourself will go along ways, as to not take personally, what others may say or do.

We have a 16 week old baby so no contact is not an option, and I don’t want to parallel parent as I would miss out on so much, especially at these early stages.

I would agree, this would limit the options...I had 14 yr marriage, 2 children, with divorce at ages 10 &12. I then found out, I was a much better parent outside the r/s, than in... With this being said, it appears the better you can communicate, the better for your child. It will be frustrating at times and always a work in progress. But not impossible. You may find some insight on the Bettering relationship board. What exactly are you looking for, with the r/s?

And if I’m really honest, I don’t like the fact that there is another fella around. I am trying to detach my feelings, are they jealousy then I should stop or is it a real concern going forward
My brain is a bit mixed up at the moment.

A child together 16 weeks ago. A split up 7 weeks ago, and 2 relationships since then. I would imagine, I might also be a bit confused.

Perhaps I should try better and looking at my emotions and the reasons for them and setting my boundaries without feelings being involved

The reasons for your emotions, is where the healing is. Its a process and for me, the hardest, yet most gratifying accomplishment.

The carnage usually is around money or other men or personal relationships.


Money this point appears to be child support, so not really sure, this should create carnage. I suggest you find another outlet for your frustrations. Your child will appreciate this in some capacity, im fairly certain.
BPD will see this as an attack (persecutor) from you. You have placed them into the victim position. This scenario will assure the illness seeks out a rescuer. Karpman Triangulation and a staple of mental illness. It proves the illness correct and repeats like clockwork. The order to the disorder.

I am trying to detach my feelings, are they jealousy then I should stop or is it a real concern going forward

Do you believe its jealousy ? Does it appear to be a concern for you, going forward? Do you have a plan moving forward? Co parenting with BPD is difficult but not impossible. I wish you well, Peace