Should I tell my sibling he has BPD?

[savingsiblings]

Hi there,
Not sure how this works but I'm needing support with my sibling (he's adult, age 36). For 20+ years he has been destructive in various ways with periods of stability. Only within the last year have I successfully convinced my parents he has BPD. They have done well to set boundaries and changed the way they dialogue and interact with him, which is good. However he goes into periods of isolating and becoming suicidal. My family openly says they are worried one day they will get news that he has done it. In hopes of preventing this outcome and getting him help, I think it's time we tell him directly that he has BPD and encourage him to get help. No one has NAMED THE PROBLEM directly because we walk on eggshells! I think if we can name the problem, he can finally begin to work on it. I realize he still might refuse help and his fate could still result in suicide...but doing all we can (to me) at least starts by naming the elephant in the room...right? I'd like to hear other's experience with this, and pros/cons. I can't think of a con that we havent already experienced from our silence/tip-toeing around his issues. Thanks for your help!

[beatricex]

Hi saving,

I have known about my mom's BPD for almost 30 years and have never felt the need to tell her I think she is personality disordered.  OCD, yes, we (my siblings and I) tell her that all the time (you can point to the odd behaviors and she will even admit it in weird moments).

good luck with your brother and let me know how it goes.

b

[Methuen]

I think if we can name the problem, he can finally begin to work on it. I realize he still might refuse help and his fate could still result in suicide...but doing all we can (to me) at least starts by naming the elephant in the room...right? I'd like to hear other's experience with this, and pros/cons. I can't think of a con that we havent already experienced from our silence/tip-toeing around his issues.

Would you say you have a strong/mid-level or novice knowledge base of BPD?  I’ve been reading about BPD pretty intensely for about a year and a half and practicing new communication skills with my mom in that time.  I think I’m still in the novice to mid level spectrum.  I have never felt the need to tell my mom.  I know it would only add to the problem, and snowball into an epic crisis.  Although my mom is elderly now, I would have come to the same conclusion when she was younger.  Your situation may be different.  I would suggest making your decision in consultation with a therapist you know well and trust.  All the best.

[Turkish]

In the long, collective experience of the board, it's not a good idea, and I'm sorry that you are struggling with this.

Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD
You're basically telling someone that they're crazy, a person who already feels core shame and being unlovable.

It didn't go over well when I "diagnosed" the mother of our children. She later said that it scared the crap out of her.