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Author Topic: 7 years ended in 3 days explosion  (Read 122 times)
RobertSmith

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated
Posts: 6


« on: November 21, 2020, 11:12:53 AM »

Hi!

Sorry for the long post, I am looking for advice. I have been for the last 7 years in relation with a BPD partner, on and off on treatment but generally in a great relationship since 2016. We had a child that is less than 2 years old. We only broke up once and had been back together in a few days.

Since March and COVID, we have had all the possible stress ; health, tasks, financial, parenting, housing, foreseen passing of a central family member, etc. We increasingly fought on those issues, but remained nonetheless loving and functioning couple. We had a final fight on those issues, both exhausted, in which I was painted black as something that I am not to which I said that I loved her, but that she needed to leave. I later regretted those words and told her. This triggered something deep emotionally, as the week prior she was still telling me that she wanted more children, wanted me to marry her and was scared of me leaving her. She left for her parents place and requested a week to think.

As 2-3 days passed, she went 180 degrees totally, telling me that she didn't love me anymore, and that as a matter of facts, she never did. She is now living with her parent, which she periodically has been fighting with in the past. I doubt that she can be financially independent in the near future, since she wanted to quit her job to study 4 years ago, studies which she in turn hated, to then go back to said job presently but under pressure to complete her schooling in allowed time. She keeps on changing her mind and attitude towards me since, going from cold to sorry, on and off.

I try to maintain NC, but given the kid and the temporary custody, I have to maintain minimal contact. I want to save my family, but this is a paradox in those circumstances.  

Any advice is welcome!

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grumpydonut
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 148



« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2020, 07:04:32 PM »

Hey Robert,

Sorry to read you're going through that.

However, what is your goal? Here at the detaching board you'll get great advice on how to do that, but it sounds like maybe you need to be hearing how to repair the relationship?

As for some of the things you wrote, it certainly sounds like you triggered her fear of abandonment and that her defence mechanism is in full swing (aka, painting you black and abandoning you with phrases such as "I never loved you"). This is a coping mechanism found in a lot of BPD stories.

However, you had - through simply being a decent partner - already triggered her fear of engulfment as evidenced by the fact she was afraid of you leaving her (and who will she be if you do that?).  
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RobertSmith

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated
Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2020, 06:53:56 AM »

Hi,

This is really why I need advice. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I have seen what coparenting with a BPD can be like, and I wish the best for my son since he is already confused and affected by the situation. Given her present situation, I don't see how it is a healthy choice. On the other hand, how can I go back to somebody who keeps on changing his mind and also tells me, even if out of anger or crisis, that she had a child, wished for two more and wanted marriage while not loving me?

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RobertSmith

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2020, 07:02:53 AM »

Hi,

This is really why I need advice. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I have seen what coparenting with a BPD can be like, and I wish the best for my son since he is already confused and affected by the situation. Given her present situation, I don't see how it is a healthy choice. On the other hand, how can I go back to somebody who keeps on changing his mind and also tells me, even if out of anger or crisis, that she had a child, wished for two more and wanted marriage while not loving me?
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