I'm scared to set boundaries with my mom

[Tulip419]

Hi! I'm new here. This is actually the first message board I've ever joined. I'm in my late 20s and learned that my mom has BPD about five years ago. I've spent the last two years in therapy trying to still have a relationship with her, but it is getting harder.

The reason I joined now: I've always been bad at setting boundaries with my mom. It's so much easier to just go with what she wants than to deal with the fallout if I don't. This year, the situation with my mom has gotten harder, and she's gotten more demanding. I spend so much of my time just managing her emotions. And now, my partner is getting drawn in as well. How do I learn to set boundaries and handle the fallout before it has the potential to ruin my relationship with my partner?

My therapist is wonderful, but I would love to know there are other people in similar situations, because it's really hard to feel like I'm the only one dealing with this all the time.

[beatricex]

hi Tulip,
I think it is amazing that you have gotten help.  I waited until I was in my 30's to seek therapy and I feel I lost so much time in doing that.  Way to go, you sound so mature.

My mom is also BPD'd.  It can be truly hard on the partner of the mom with BPD because they often just don't understand it like we do.  They don't get emotional blackmail because it has never happened to them.  They say things like "your parents love you, just XYZ."  This advice is good for most, but really doesn't apply to a BPD'd or narcissitic person. 

When I was younger, in relationships, I sometimes felt as if I had horns growing out of my head.  People would look at me and think and say "gosh, that is different" when I described my mom.  Often, they did a quick exit, sadly.  At lot of people just don't know what to say when we describe the abuse.  Especially when it is subtle.  It's hard to even convince another person what is going on, at times.

I don't know if your mom is nice to your partner, but my mom is extra nice until her adult child marries, then that person that married in often becomes the family scapegoat.  If there is any risk of this, maybe sitting your partner down and explaining BPD might help.  I think the more knowledge people have the better equipped they are to deal with it when something does happen.  This is not being paranoid, it's being smart. 

((tulips) glad you are here

b

[juner]

Hello Tulip. Managing someone's emotions is tricky. You just can't be expected to do it well, and it encourages codependency. The boundary is around where your emotions live, within you, and where hers live, within her, and it may help to keep in mind that you don't have to cross that boundary into her inner world. It's hers, but yes, it affects you. So that leads to more tricky business, for me, at least. Internal boundaries. I try to come in strong and stable, internally, and then get out as intact and un-affected, un-invaded as I can. Of course, I experience pushback, but I stick with it. Now there is cold, distant disdain from her, which kind of feels like resentment. And she keeps reminding me who her favorite is and how she "never" hears from me and other distortions. Her newer tactics are like another kind of negativity, but it's just easier for me to deal with it. I express sympathy for her life, but usually offer no direct involvement. I have my own life, which is hard enough to manage.

When starting with boundaries, I remind myself, what is mine and what is not. What belongs to me and what doesn't. What is my responsibility, etc. Where do I begin and the other person begin. What are my goals and objectives, in the immediate situation and beyond, and what is my value system that supports my objectives. After that, you can get into rules for living your life.

Can you put a boundary around what you tell your spouse? Think of it like a rule, or limit. That was one of the hardest things for me. Just keeping him in the loop made me feel less alone, but I had to put limits on it.

With my mother, I prepare by telling myself that she will try to push my buttons, but I also remind myself that nothing she says and nothing she does, when she is targeting me, matters in the broader sense. Only my main objective matters, which is to stay healthy. It may sound harsh, I know, but it's the way I survive it. Of course, I leave flexibility in this rule, in case she really needs help, but not when she is stuck in seemingly pointless negativity.