Sorting through guilt

[Choosinghope]

Hi friends! I've been struggling with someone that I would love perspective on. As a side note, I feel that the more I heal, the more I realize about myself that I need to work on. Does anyone else feel that way? Anyway, it's been about a full year since I went NC wirh my mom. I've reached out a few times to try to make peace and I even met my mom and dad for "supper" in June. Since then, my dad has called me one time, and each time I've talked to him has become more uncomfortable. My mom has not tried to contact me, nor I her. 4 months ago, she very intentionally excluded me from information about my grandmother and being in the ICU. Most recently, I found out through a sister that my parents both have COVID, and my mom has been in the ER twice. My mom has been updating all the family in a group text every day about their health--except me, of course.

I wrote her a letter last Monday after the first ER visit, and I sent it along with a Thanksgiving card to both parents. The letter was a prettu honest reflection of where I am. I am healing, but things still hurt. I would ultimately like her to be in my life, but I don't want that to come at the cost of my or her well-being. I've learned I can live without her, but I do miss her. I can't fix the relationship, but I am open to her contacting me when she wants to. I mailed that a week ago and haven't heard anything. Meanwhile, the last week I've honestly spiralled. I feel like all the progress I've made this year has gone out the window. I feel like such a horrible person for not calling/texting/not knowing that my mom was sick until 2 weeks in. The guilt and the shame are eating me. Which in turn is wearing on my dear H.

Why, oh why, do I have this obcessive guilt about this matter? My mom has seemed to make it clear she wants no contact with me, despite my dad insisting that if I just reached out to her, everything would be ok. Why do I have this burden of guilt, and why does it make me spiral so quickly? I haven't even talked to her for 6 months, and I'm feeling ashamed of myself and keep hearing her voice. And is that guilt legitimate? Should I reach out more? Help?

[beatricex]

Hi Choosing help,
You asked Why oh Why do I have this guilt? 

I think the simple answer is we are enmeshed with our mothers.  In a normal relationship, mothers don't engulf their child.  They maintain separateness.  They can see the child as a separate person with needs and feelings of their own.

Our BPD'd mothers do not see us as separate, we are an extension of her.

It is just that we have been brainwashed, that's all.

What kinds of things do you do to soothe yourself when you get distraught?  I recently bought a "dry brush" as I heard that people with PTSD (which is what I feel I have) can benefit from this.  I also take a lot of walks with my dog, and try to switch from left brain to right brain thinking - have you ever tried tapping?  There are many many tricks, if you have a therapist, they can suggest more of course.

I have been working on this stuff so long, so it is starting to feel normal. 

My mom upsets me, my goal is to not beat myself up (afterall it's a normal reaction to being enmeshed), but to try to quickly recover. 

((Choosinghope)

b

[Methuen]

Hi Choosing Hope,

My friend, my heart goes out to you.  All our pwBPD are damaged people.  They have BPD because of the damage and suffering they endured in their childhoods.  Amongst people who are hurting because they've been hurt, some make themselves feel better by hurting  others because it gives them power, and makes them feel stronger.  It's the cycle of abuse.  She doesn't know any other way to act.  I've seen it in my mom her whole life, and in her siblings too (since they come from the same messed up FOO).  I've also seen it in my professional life.  The toxic people who hurt others, are hurting inside.  It's in workplaces, schools - everywhere.  The bullied and tormented person eventually becomes the bully themselves, unless the cycle gets broken.  I've had to work with high conflict people as well as deal with my mom.  It's always a struggle.  My point in this, is that although it FEELS to you like she is targeting YOU, since other family members are in the group and you are excluded, in reality, I believe it's less targeted than it feels to you.  She just needs to hurt someone.  You are an easy target because you may be somewhat enmeshed with her.  Since you are the easy target, and she knows that, she gets the power she needs to feel better. 

On the other hand, if it didn't bother you, she wouldn't have the power, and she would have to target someone else to get the same feeling of power.  See what I'm saying here?  She's only doing this, because it's working for her.  If it didn't give her the results she wanted, she would have to go hurt someone else.  For that reason, it's less personal than it feels.

Do you have either a close or extended family member who you are close to and trust?  If yes, I would consider asking that family member if they would be willing to keep you abreast of critical information (like your parent having Covid and being in emerg).  All they need to know is that you love your parents, but the situation is complicated, and you would still like to be in the loop when it comes to critical events.

If you don't have a family member that could do this, then your mom's choice to exclude you from family information is emotional abuse by isolation, and the same technique that 14 year old school girls use when they want to bully another girl to hurt her.  They exclude her.  It's all about power.  And it's a result of how badly they feel about themselves.  So you have permission to let go of that guilt you are talking about feeling.  You don't have to carry that guilt around because your mom wants you to.  You can put that load down, and walk away. No more victim.  Your mom wouldn't know what to do with that.  Maybe there would be an extinction burst, but if you can stay in your lane, she will have to change too, and find someone else to hurt to make herself feel better.

Meanwhile, what makes you happy in life?  For me it's nature, walks, kayaking, painting, working, volunteering, and some down time with my H.  What makes you happy?  Throw yourself into doing more things that make you happy whilst your feeling like this -> self care.  Spend your time with positive people, doing positive things for yourself.  When your mind wanders to your mom, notice it, feel it, and then let it go, and then refocus your mind on something positive. 

Mindfulness helped me through the roughest patches.  Release that guilt in the next gust of wind, or snow, or ocean waves.  She wants you to carry it, but you can chose not to.

Just my thoughts.

 

[Choosinghope]

Methuen, as always, thank you. Your advice and support over the last year has truly meant so much to me. And beatricex, thank you for your encouragement as well. 

Here is a brief update. My younger sister came to visit over Thanksgiving, and her visit was a Godsend. We're 7 years apart, but we've always been very close. I've avoided talking to any of my family about my mom over the past year to avoid triangulation, so I've not been completely sure where she stood. One night she was here, she started talking about everything, and we stayed up until 2 talking. I told her my suspicions about BPD, and she said that she has a psych professor she's been getting help from who also suspects BPD for my mom. I gave my sister two books (surviving the borderline parent & SWOE), and she was eager to read them. She confirmed so much for me, and she also told me so much that I had no idea was going on or had happened in the past. Long story short, she confirmed that my mom has been telling everyone she talks to about how dangerous a situation I am in, and she has tasked all of my sisters with spying on me and reporting back. They actually kicked my younger sister out of their house in May because she was standing up for me. She lived with friends for a few weeks before she found an apartment. They've since forgiven her, it seems, but I suspect they'll have an issue with her visiting me. While my mom is telling everyone how worried she is about me, she has removed all pictures from me from her house, even from her computer. It also sounds like they're going to take me out of their will. She took my number out of her cell phone, and basically deleted me out of her life. She is telling everyone that I've chosen a new family and that I've rejected them.

It was quite the gut punch, but I'm so thankful I know where I stand. I have finally given myself permission to put everything in a box, put that box away, and move on. I blocked my mom's number & email address, and I'm going to have my H read/throw away anything she writes to me. My sister has promised to let me know if anything happens to my parents, so I feel confident I will know if anything big happens in the future. I've suspected for a while now that my dad has been quite duplicitous, and my sister confirmed that. I'm not planning on calling him or reaching out to him, as it is very clear that he has taken a side, which is heartbreaking. If he chooses to make contact, I would love that, but I will enforce a strict boundary of not talking about my relationship with my mom. Overall, it is a sad peace, but peace nonetheless. I've been working on setting goals for myself with fitness, my hobbies, and spiritual growth, and I think those goals will help me focus on something better. My H is also committed to helping encourage me and push to better myself, and he is taking steps in his own life to help me. I think that I finally understand what radical acceptance is. It took a full year to get there, but I am so thankful I did. As far as the guilt, I have decided to try to find a different counselor to help me work on retraining my brain. I think I need a little extra help. The last month has been extraordinarily tough, but I'm finally seeing the light at the end. As always, thank you all who have helped me to find some peace. 

[beatricex]

hi again Choosinghope,
It's interesting how your Mom cloaked her abuse of you as concern that "you were in a dangerous position"  hmmpfff

Your story sounds very familiar to mine... I went through my own separation with my Mom almost 15 years ago.  I worked with a therapist, and we read and completed "Divorcing a Parent."  I maintained NC for almost 7 years.

I am happy to report I now have a much better relationship with my Mom, because in those years of NC (yes my siblings also spied on me and reported back to her), she mellowed.  I like to think it was my NC that did so, but then that would be a bit narcisstic of me, I suppose.

Whatever the case or circumstances, but she rarely pushes me anymore.  I am just constantly triggered these days because I recently found out my step daugher is likely BPD'd.  Also, the female change happened, and old stuff resurfaced for me.  Ugh.  No one warned me about that.

Keep posting and get that box on it's way...

b

[Choosinghope]

Ok everyone, new situation. For the past year, I've been the all black child, and my mom has focused most of her vitriol and energy on me. However, I'm realizing that now that I don't really exist anymore in her world, she's shifting to my litttle sister. My sister is 7 years younger, and I've always been fiercely protective of her (think mama bear instinct). She called me in tears today because she had a nasty phone call with my mom, and I can see that my mom is going down the same path with her. I honestly thought that it would be only 1 child painted black at a time, but I'm guessing my mom will end up cutting out my sister eventually too.

First, does anyone else have any experience trying to help/protect a younger sibling (she's 21, so very close to independent)? What is my role here? And does this sound like normal BP behavior?

[Methuen]

Yes it sounds normal.  Your mom is in a dysregulation.  The BPD will dump on whoever is a safe relationship (usually family or romantic partner but could best a best friend).  It always feels personal to us (being dumped on).  But now that you are seeing she can dump on your little sis, you get the picture it's not actually personal against you. It feels personal to the person being dumped on, but that doesn't mean it is.  Over her lifetime, my mom dumped on my dad (passed away now), me (only child and most available to dump on), her sister (moved away), and at least 1 best friend (who went NC afterwards).

You and sister can support each other... it helps if you can trust any words you say won't get back to your mom.  Does your sister have good boundaries? If you're not sure or confident (since it sounds like she still lives with your mom and you can't control what information comes out of her mouth in the heat of an argument with your mom), you can still support her by listening, and showing that you believe her and understand her.  Just listening is probably some of the most powerful support we can give.  Rather than resorting to the "rescue" mama bear instinct (rescuing usually adds to the drama), maybe offer solution ideas such as SET, asking validating questions, not JADEing etc.  She may or may not be ready to hear solutions for managing a difficult relationship, but sometimes the seeds need to be planted and sit a while in the ground before they can sprout.  

[Choosinghope]

Yes, that does help seeing her do it to someone else. I've seen her dump on people my whole life, but I've always normalized it and explained it away. (I must be a bad person, that person deserves it, etc.). I think how extreme her behavior has become also helps to depersonalize the attack. There's nothing I could possibly have said or done that would explain or justify her actions towards me. So that goes in the box.

For my sister, the more I've been talking to her,  the more I'm realizing how strong she is. She lives on her own and is finishing college early, so she's almost an "adult." She has a secret bank account that my parents have no tie to or knowledge of that she's been using heavily to save. My mom has tried to micromanage their shared checking account and they've had many fights because my mom keeps accusing her of throwing away money. Well, let her rage I guess, because at least my sister is actively working towards no ties. She's worked through many possible outcomes, and she's decided on a good fallback plan if needed. Either way, she's making her own way and has learned many lessons from watching my mom's treatment of me this past year. I think she'll be ok. I really do. And that fills me with so much joy.

I think that you are right, Methuen. Getting invovled as rescuer would be a terrible idea. And I don't think she needs a rescuer anymore. I can be available for advice, encouragement, a couch to sleep on if needed, and help navigating the adult world if it comes to that. I'm learning that there is a healthy boundary between me and her, and I don't need to be responsible for her. This is the type of relationship I've never had with my Mom and don't know how to achieve.