All time low.

[IfNotForYou]

I’d deem this the lowest place our relationship has ever been. Married 4 years. Together 9.

2020 brought everything to a head. As I type this I currently still remain married. We live in the same house. I have kids but luckily they aren’t here much to witness.

Past two months or more I’d say comfortably I’ve been painted black and cannot do anything to swing things back around. Divorce by my wife has come up multiple times. I tried tirelessly to have her accept half of the blame for our marriage getting to this point but in the long run she just can’t really do it. Everything seems to get placed squarely on my shoulders as to how I failed her and us. I only this past week or two finally came to understand all of my wrongdoing in handling her BPD and fights. Too little too late. I honestly didn’t understand the severity of this and only a few months ago really began to delve into BPD. It was mentioned to me by a mutual friend who also was in a long term relationship with a partner who had BPD. The more I began to read the more things became clear..

This past month our relationship has come to a grinding standstill. If I’m not getting absolute anger or blame I’m getting silent treatment. I’ve now been completely blocked on all social media and direct contact. This has been the longest from her. About a week now. The only way I can converse is in person basically and that is soo very difficult. I have to choose every single word carefully. To the point we haven’t spoke cause I’ve given up.

She stays overnight at friends almost a few times a week or comes in very late as to avoid me. She takes trips without me. She seems to put everyone over me..

I feel absolutely stuck in purgatory. Held hostage almost. I tried to talk and explain how hurtful these actions are but it makes no difference. I’m married but I feel 100% single. I have no clue how to even move forward. Nobody sees this side but me right now. I think I may be falling out of love with her. I’m so resentful and hurt. I’d attempt to try to be there for her and take what I’m learning but I honestly feel it’s too little too late at this point. She can’t turn it off and I’m beginning to think I should not fight the fact we are falling apart. I got little to NO strength left in me anymore.

I mean this with all due respect cause I’m understanding this is trauma from an early age, but you really almost have to have superhuman strength to endure a relationship like this. Why would anyone want this for their life? Why should I go out of my way to understand all of this for someone who treats me like a doormat? Why should I read millions of topics and spend my time in someone who hurts me so regularly and can’t even see it?

Part of me feels really selfish saying that. I have deep love for my wife, but I am so hurting right now and I can’t even get so much as a whimper of effort or respect and acknowledgment from her anymore. Why bother in all honesty? Is love  even enough? This is just getting dark for me..

Emotionally I’ve always been pretty strong, independent  and even keeled. Been able to stand on my own. Granted some may say different and I’m not without flaws, but this has morphed into a whole level I can’t do much longer. I signed up for marriage cause I wanted a partner to share life with and laugh and love. This is none of that anymore.

I’d still try if she came to me. If she showed me anything. She won’t. I could be waiting a lifetime at this point..or so it feels.

I’m getting close to the end of my road here with this situation. I commend all of you who try to understand this and put in the research and hours.. but  I just can’t stop asking myself “why?”

Why should I try when everything I read just says how it can be a lifetime of hardship and how it takes basically superhuman strength to be a partner in this kind of relationship.

If I sound angry I apologize, but to be honest...I am. I’m really angry and hurt and feel like I’ve almost been hoodwinked.

I need to surround myself with support and make a better plan to keep my own spirits balanced. I haven’t done any of that for faaarr too long and it’s basically left me feeling on constant empty.

Thanks for the support. Letting me vent. This community is a start. I do t feel nearly as alone as I used to for the past x amount of years...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

Why should I read millions of topics and spend my time in someone who hurts me so regularly and can’t even see it?

Part of me feels really selfish saying that. I have deep love for my wife, but I am so hurting right now and I can’t even get so much as a whimper of effort or respect and acknowledgment from her anymore. Why bother in all honesty? Is love  even enough? This is just getting dark for me..

i dont say this to invalidate what you are going through. i say it to cast a light.

she feels the same way. she sees no point in hearing you, and she doesnt believe you can hear her. shes saying "why should i try".

when a relationship breaks down far enough, that is where both parties mindsets go...not empathy and understanding for their partner, but self preservation, hurt, "what about me". trying to get her to see this is widening the divide, not reaching her.

im not suggesting there is a magic bullet that is going to fix this. it may be too late; i really dont know. if this is salvageable, it is first and foremost going to come as a result of her feeling heard. and not only may that not be enough, but with your own hurts, you may not be in a place to do it. i wouldnt be.

I need to surround myself with support and make a better plan to keep my own spirits balanced.

this is critical, regardless.

you have real hurt, worry, anger, resentment, anxiety, and it needs an outlet(s). within your marriage though, it will only deteriorate things further.

[IfNotForYou]

I appreciate the feedback and I also appreciate the point of view to pull back and try to understand her being heard.    

My problem is currently that for months I have tried to “listen” to her feelings. I didn’t just one day wake up in he mindset to say why all this effort? I’m at the point where it feels as though I’ve tried all angles and just been left extremely empty and frustrated and unheard

I can listen to her side to an extent. I can admit wrong to an extent. I am accountable to an extent. I say to an extent because I can’t just admit to accusations that are flat out untrue or made up. (Which often times is the case)I feel I’ve given her this much of my time and certainly admit my faults. However where do I draw the line? At what point are my feelings and needs ever valid? I don’t get this from her. When does she take accountability?  I’ve said meet in the middle so many times I’ve lost count. Let’s work on this together. A day will pass and I’m right back where I started. Being accused of some wrongdoing that did or didn’t happen. Many times the truth is so misconstrued that I can’t even fathom it. Then past topics are brought up and used as fuel. It really feels like a no win situation and I can’t keep giving and giving while someone just takes.

It’s complicated. I am very open to hearing her side. I’d love to be there for her. She won’t seem to allow it. I can’t be forever in a relationship where my needs are constantly back burner. I don’t know how some of this community does it and stays and tries to live with it. Everything in me says let it go, but I keep holding on to a life I thought we where building together. I keep holding on to the person I fell in love with.

I know your trying to help, and believe me with all sincerity all feedback helps right now. I don’t mean to come of cold, I am just so close to my mental limit and anger is now such a common emotion. I’m not an angry person at all in general. I just don’t know how to handle this anymore and all the suggestions and effort seem like soo much work for so little in return. I just don’t know if it’s worth it.

Thanks again for offering support. I’m just mad at the situation and the utter frustration. It’s not directed towards anyone particular.

[once removed]

every couple where an affair has happened has faced this question, this challenge.

its almost always the same story. the person who had the affair is deeply remorseful. committed to whatever it takes.

the person cheated on cant let it go. resentment comes out, even years later. and the person who had the affair says "ive apologized, ive listened, i dont know what more i can do, at some point you have to meet me in the middle".

if you ask me, both viewpoints are valid...but theyre at cross purposes.

i appreciate that the circumstances arent the same, we arent talking about an affair here. i think the same lesson applies, though.

given the choice, does it matter more to you to be heard, or to save your marriage?