No, you can't make a person change

[Truth_Seeker]

This is my first post on this forum. I have been reading other posts and can relate my life to them. Who am I? I'm a married man with kids, married for 20 years now. I'm super empathetic, which is a good trait but it hurts a lot when people tramp on your feelings. My uBPDw is of type "Discouraged (quiet) Borderline." How I came to this conclusion? For the past 4 years I have been reading Psychology. Initially, I thought she had intermittent bouts of depression but I kept supporting her, constantly ignored her nitpicking — I am a very level-headed guy with stable emotions. Hardly ever I raise my voice and never have resorted to any name calling. No, I am not bragging about myself. This is who I am and I'm very thankful to my Lord for giving me such stable emotions.

So, it started 4 years ago. She went out of town to attend a wedding. Almost always we used to go together but this time I was not able to go. So, before she left I told her that, let's stay in touch all the times (use our cellphones) and bring back old fond memories by sending each other love messages. Maybe I fancied something that I should have not; I did not know that I was setting myself up for disappointment. She went and it seemed like "out of sight, out of mind." She rarely responded to my love messages, though she read it and upon my asking over the phone, she said that I am just complaining and judging her. Instead of syncing up with me and start responding to my messages, she further stone-walled me. I gave a benefit of the doubt and thought when she will return, we will sit down and sort this out. But when she came back, she doubled-down on her behavior and started giving me silent treatment. I was shocked to see her behave this way.

Fast forward life, a lot happened in between. Totally lost, I went online to search for answers. Stumbled upon depression but it did not fit her profile completely, kept reading and reading, stumbled upon NPD and that rang a bell — NPD (maybe a Covert one) but not all bullets matched her profile and eventually I figured out it was BPD).

I have learned a lot but I guess, no matter how much better you get, BPD people find ways to first get themselves upset and then engage you in the storm and make you feel miserable as well.

I have learned to ignore her nitpicking (most of the times), I have learned to bypass her short tamper, and I have learned to take it easy on her impulsiveness. But Where I still need to work on is my empathy. When she starts sulking and starts giving me the silent treatment, it hurts me to see her hurt. So I just automatically take on the rescuer role. Try to please her, say good things about her to bring her mood up but the harder I try the more upset she gets and starts accusing me for things that I have never said or done. Later I  regret and hate myself for doing this — even though I am doing a great favor to her.

I am a man that  wants peace in the house. I know as humans we all make mistakes, we disagree on things but that's all good if things are discussed and mutually agreed upon (picking a middle ground or agree to disagree). I am a reasonable person, and I'm quick to accept my own mistake; I apologize sincerely even if I am partially wrong or not wrong at all but she on the other  hand, hardly ever accepts her mistake and never apologizes. I understand for some people it's hard to  apologize at the heat of the moment, but when things are said and done (the following day) we can forget and forgive each other. But in my wife's case, she does not, I mean she absolutely does not own accountability for her actions and behavior.

Sorry for ranting, but I just wanted to provide you all my quick intro and I will follow-up telling you all about my wife's most recent BPD episode. Thanks for reading my story. I look forward to feedback.

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[IfNotForYou]

This hits home. Same situation over here in many ways. Zero accountability from my wife hardly ever. For years I saw rage and had no understanding of why it was so extreme. Tried my best to ignore it. Slowly got pulled into the abyss. Made all the wrong choices and argued back. Only in the past 2 weeks I have come to the serious conclusion she has BPD. Still undiagnosed. Not a certainty at this point but after years of feeling like I’m going crazy and not understanding her rage or why it was so excessive I began to dig deeper. I still can’t confirm but I feel it to be the case.

I have no answers for you but I sympathize as I’m also in the thick of it. It’s a real hard road and I personally feel stuck. I’m just trying my best to post and vent and do research. It’s kind of all I can do right now. Arm myself with information.

Best of luck to you

[Truth_Seeker]

Thanks for your reply. So, here's the last episode. Lately, I have been extremely careful. I have not shown any reaction to her nitpicking, impulsiveness, or mood swings but one of the core symptom of BPD is emptiness. Last week, I could sense that she has started showing sulkiness. Her answers were coming as short and dismissive for anything I ask. During a normal conversation, she would just habitually invalidate me. I on the other hand — after empowering myself with all the BPD readings — have been more supportive than ever. I have been validating her during any conversation and have been a good listener.

So, this past weekend, a regular morning, as always I helped her make breakfast, things were going normal. She went to do some of her chores, while I relaxed on the couch catching up on some news. Then I came across some interesting websites that I wanted to show and share with her.

She came into the living room, I showed her what I was viewing. I thought  we were going to have a good conversation but right away I noticed that she was giving negative answers to whatever I was saying. No fault of mine, maybe she was already feeling empty and miserable and instead of being honest and say to me, can you help me feel better. She just out of the blue started spewing negativity. I should have walked away, but somehow I slowly got sucked in. She pulled me further into this storm by alleging that I don't appreciate her, I don't notice her. Unconsciously I became defensive, stating no honey, I care for you, can't you see from my actions? I should have not been defensive; It was a trap to pull me into this negative useless cyclic conversation so she can give her misery to me.

It ruined my day. She remained dismissive and sullen the entire day. In the evening, I tried to cheer her up. To bring peace back, I accepted that I should be doing better and giving her attention and thanked her for bringing up this conversation. But instead of seeing the goodness in my words and effort, she said, "Is your lecture done? You may leave now." Wow! That cut my heart into two. That was cruel. Don't know where I got the courage from? I followed her and reassured her that I love her no matter what, hugged her but she was unmoved like a rock. At that point, heart broken, I just stopped. I am glad I did because I was utterly defeated. She sucked the life out of me.

It's been a few days, she is still not normal. Still giving me short replies. Spending time shopping and spending my money with her girlfriend.

Irony is, if I do something for myself or call a friend or just be busy with my own stuff, she observes it right away and can't hold herself showing disdain. For her there should be no boundaries and dare I ask her anything and the cycle of abuse will repeat. What a hypocrisy!

[once removed]

But Where I still need to work on is my empathy.

for you and everyone reading, we all do. its the number one thing, full stop, that you need in order to make these relationships work.

Empathy - an Incredible Life Skill

When someone asks me what is single most important life skill for supporting a loved one with borderline personality disorder, I say "empathy". I typically follow with "and many of us overestimate our own empathy skills".

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

Almost always we used to go together but this time I was not able to go. So, before she left I told her that, let's stay in touch all the times (use our cellphones) and bring back old fond memories by sending each other love messages.

Maybe I fancied something that I should have not; I did not know that I was setting myself up for disappointment. She went and it seemed like "out of sight, out of mind.

at first glance, it does strike me as an unrealistic expectation.

granted, it isnt clear to me what your partners relationship to the newly weds is. was she part of the wedding? a close friend? those things make some difference.

regardless, a wedding is a time of celebration. there tend to be lots of events surrounding it. if it were me, frankly speaking, and i went on a solo trip, the last thing i would want is to feel chained to the phone with my partner (you use the phrase "lets stay in touch all the times").

maybe you felt left out. i get that that would hurt. when i feel left out, it sends me into a total tailspin.

it also depends...not only on whether your expectations were realistic, did she agree to them? were the rules/expectations clearly outlined and agreed upon?

[WalkingonEggshel]

 
Hello all.  I read the posts and wanted to share my own.  I am desperately looking for someone to talk to that is going through the exact same thing as I am and I can not believe all the things I read on here is exactly what I am going through!

My wife has BDP possible Bi-polar, anxiety, depression and other behavior issues.  She was recently committed to the hospital under form 1.  They have her meds and apparently have a plan for her but she has been down this route before and nothing seems to make her want to change for me or our kids.  5 and 2.  Her family is telling me to suck it up cause her and the kids need us together however, I am loosing my mental health and recently been getting support from counsellors and friends to help me through this.  My wife came into our relationship with no money and no job.  She worked short term before we got pregnant with my first and I have since paid for her schooling and encouraged her to get back into the work force.  Her mental health has kept her from perusing a job or keeping on long term.  I have no idea what legal rights I have other than what my wife and her parents have told me.  " The wife gets all the money, the house and the kids and I will be living in my truck".  My biggest fear is that she will have them full time or even half time, at this point she is unfit. 

[Amomandwife]

Go and speak with a lawyer.  I have a few times now.  We get to these points where there feels like there is no other answer.  You will have to pay a fee but the fee will go towards your retainer and the information and peace of mind will be well worth it.  I learned a lot from my appointments and it gave me some control in the form of knowledge.  In these relationships life and every moment is so volatile and can feel out of our hands, having information to ground yourself can be much more helpful than it seems.  Look around with a lawyer who has knowledge of personality disorders.  Stop Walking on Eggshells has some really great parameters and tips on going through the legal divorce with someone who has BPD.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  It's a sad and hopeless road, especially with children.