My First Post

[Aloyisia]

Hello to all of you.
I found this group as I was listening to the audiobook, Stop Walking on Eggshells. I thank you all for being here.
I really don't have a relative with BPD but I am a religious Sister and I live in a large motherhouse with with 71 other Sisters. Several of them have behaved in ways that are in keeping with the criteria for BPD, but there is one that got me here to this message board.
I will  call her Eleanor. I think she may have BPD in part because of this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing going on. At one point,  we are enjoying an evening together and then the next thing I know, she is angry with me, making mountains out of mole-hills, and hitting me with a barrage of manipulative criticism designed to confuse me into apologizing for some minor, or even imagined offense.

An example of this happened two days ago.  I had put some decorations on the wall of a common bathroom at my end of the hall. Eleanor's bedroom is in a different area and so she doesn't use this bathroom. In fact, she has a bedroom with a private bathroom attached to it. Anyway, the common bathroom is institutional-looking, with everything pale beige or white and with unlidded public-bathroom toilets.  I thought I might add a little sunshine to one stall and I put two sunflower decals on the inside of the door. On the wall, by the little sink I use, as it has my stuff in the medicine cabinet,  I hung up a small picture of a rabbit, an even smaller digital clock, and a ceramic circle with an Irish blessing on it. Nothing extravagant.

But Eleanor went in there the other night just because she was down at this end of the hallway and was upset by it. She approached me saying that my personal touches made her feel unwelcome as it appeared I was "taking over common space". From there it became that I act like I deserve things that others do not and that I can be thoughtless and inconsiderate. I took the now regrettable step of suggesting that she doesn't use that bathroom anyway so why should it matter to her. That seemed to trigger something and it spiraled upward until she left the room in a huff.
The thing that upsets me is that I end up apologizing. I think I do it because I am hoping to end it, but I also do it because I get confused. I was sure it was okay to do what I did, but after Eleanor gave me the once over, I wasn't sure anymore. I wasn't even sure of my own intentions. Maybe I am trying to claim the bathroom. It sounds so absurd to me when I read what I just wrote, but at the time it seemed like something I should consider. When stuff like this happens, it's like I am pulled into the orbit of an irrational planet and I lose my own bearings. I don't know anymore what I thought I knew and things like sunflower decals in bathroom stalls can be a symbol of all of my faults and failings. When in the orbit, irrational things start to look rational and I question myself a lot. 
After this incident, I became re-grounded by talking to another trusted Sister about it. She affirmed that I was right to see this as overblown and unnecessary. Not to mention pretty unpleasant.
But... later in the day ... Eleanor was okay and it was over. All except my resentment at having been the one to apologize again. The record now stands that I apologized for being inconsiderate and thoughtless so all is well. With me though, not so much. I did follow up and asked the Sisters who use that bathroom if they were okay with the decorations. One said she liked them and the other two admitted they'd not even noticed them. So, there you have it.
Anyway, thank you all for reading my long post. God bless each of you and Happy Thanksgiving.   

[Methuen]

Welcome to our BPD family message board. 

She gaslit you.  Hence your feeling of self doubt and confusion you spoke to.

I am so happy you have found this site, and already have an awareness of BPD.  Familiarizing yourself with the information and communication tools on this site will go a long way to managing a relationship with her. These tools really do work.

BPD can be anywhere.  Including a sisterhood.  Welcome.

[bethanny]

Aloyisia, 

Thank you for sharing your disturbing encounter. It certainly resonated with me.  I remember reading once in a self-help book how aggressive and narcissistic (and unrecovered borderline disordered) people can abuse "our willingness to be wrong." They confuse us with such passionate and righteous judgments that are overwhelming. 

Confuse comes from the Latin ... meaning "fused with". 

We trust that their emotionalism must have some basis and we question ourselves to have provoked such a response.

As i was reading I was also thinking about something I just learned recently. An expansion of the "fight" or "flight" response that is often used in psychological analysis.  it is now expanded to 4 "f words", Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn.  The last one I recognize in my history with a Jekyll/Hyde mother.  She could paralyze me with a Medusa look for freeze or I would become obsequious to try to get back on her good side.  I would lose respect for myself when I did this and lose respect of my siblings but the rules from my overwhelming mother for me were different and more rigid than for them.

Walking on eggshells or walking on a tightrope as I compare it to, is tough and when you misstep the consequences can be crazymakingly extreme.  Like there is no net for that tightrope.  Appeasing a person with this disorder can at times be impossible.  Especially if you try to have conflict resolution.  Emotional intimacy.  Some people are not capable of that. 

My mother appreciated "affinity" -- the comfort of having a devoted daughter, but an independent thinking and acting daughter was another story.  I rationalized that I gave in to her so often because I had empathy for her depressed state of being, she was always frustrated especially being married to an alcoholic husband.  But I finally during a meltdown she had over something that should have been disappointing for her, but not a motivation for WW3 between us,  when I realized my "fawning" to her was based on my absolute conditioned "terror" of her. 

I tried to hang onto my will and waited for her to calm down, but there is a kind of egotism or paranoia that prevents people with this disorder to release their rage naturally like undisordered people.  It seems to keep growing.  It is compared to someone with hemophelia, when one's blood won't naturally clot and they keep on bleeding.  The anger of a uBPD person won't reach a clotting and stopping stage.  They keep bleeding out that rage. 

Sometimes appeasement and surrender of will will allow you continued contact, sometimes the good will will be lost, whether or not you stay in their orbit.

I hope sharing these insights helps. 

Sounds like you did something rather lovely, and it was a case of "no good deed goes unpunished."

Remember the 3 C's they talk about in 12 step programs... "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it."

Take care and good luck.

Best,
Bethanny