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SisypheanDreams

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Estranged (mostly)
Posts: 4


« on: November 25, 2020, 11:19:25 AM »

CW: suicide, addiction, mental illness, corporal punishment, abuse, depression, sexual assault, child abuse,

My mother is a surgeon with thousands of patients that adore her...and a diagnosis of BPD.  I would say she stopped therapy a little too early because she fell in love with her therapist who convinced her to go to medical school at age 43 (when I was only 4).  I would say from the outside she "passes" as a healthy neurotypical adult, but the truth is she still has many of the archetypical behaviors of BPD.  She abhorred corporal punishment (her parents practically tortured her) and resigned to never raise her hand or voice in anger, but, as I'm sure many of you know, violence does not have to be physical and voices do not have to be loud to be harmful. 

My parents divorced after 25 years of marriage when I was just six years old.  My dad didn't have the emotion skills to regulate his own frustrations with her toxicity, so he could be quite volatile himself (he did believe in corporal punishment). 

I grew up with a significant, but invisible, learning disability that went undiagnosed until I was in the third grade (for the second time).  I would say my diagnosis was both a blessing and a curse.  It gave me some small respite from everyone's frustrations, but it didn't stop the blame/shame games, I was just no longer the subject of them.

My three older siblings didn't have it any easier.  My brother, the oldest of us, adopted many of our mother's behaviors and my dad's addiction issues but he has never been diagnosed with BPD (I think it would take a psychologist all of 5 minutes to make the call if they heard the stories).  My oldest sister developed addictive behaviors modeled by our dad and has a tendency to fall in love with abusive/addicted guys who either have no backbone or turn her into a welcome mat.  My youngest sister also doesn't advocate for her needs/boundaries, so she married a similar type of guy.

I'm gay and my brother is too and has a husband {our parents/siblings were luckily never homophobic}).  I'm barely self-employed, 25 years old, and living with my dad (the lesser of two evils, I've finally recognized).  My dad does not have BPD, though, so he's more capable of change.  On the long drive from my oldest sister's place to his, he attentively listened to me read from the book "Permission To Feel" by Marc Brackett.  He enjoyed the book and is interested in creating an "emotional family charter" (an exercise from the book).  Something I'm very optimistic about and a good reason to be grateful, I'm sure.

There are a lot of indirect/direct issues stemming from my mother's BPD, so I'm not sure I'll be able to address much in this first post.  I think I've given you a broad enough picture to get the gist of my background.  Essentially, my siblings and I are the product of two genius, beautiful, emotionally illiterate, and mentally unwell college students shacking up and fulfilling their parents' desires for grandchildren.

Also, I'm estranged from my mother and brother and talk infrequently with my sisters.  My oldest sister fell in love this year (it's a codependent relationship), so I and the dog (and cat) were shipped off to live with my dad.

I should probably talk more about me and my perspective/situation...

I've had 11 therapists, most lasting less than a year (because my mom {you know...the SURGEON} frequently stopped paying for them, and/or we moved).  My longest therapist lasted almost 3 years before my mom decided to stop paying them.  To give you an idea of how neglectful my mother is, I was sexually assaulted by a daycare substitute when I was 5 years old, and when I finally felt safe enough to tell my mom what happened two years later, she did NOT get me a therapist.  It was only until I told my mom I wanted to jump off the roof of our apartment building at age 9, that she finally got me a therapist.

Anyway, suffice it to say I've worked through most of my adverse childhood experiences, and I've learned a ton about mental health and behavioral psychology (any Brené Brown and Robert Sapolsky fans here?). 

BUT!  Here's the crux of my issue...

The more I learn about how brains/relationships are supposed to work, and how to repair/grow them, the more compelled I feel to "fix" my family's problems.  Which, let's be real, have very little to do with material needs and everything to do with emotional intelligence.  My mom is recently immunocompromised and has generally taken pretty bad care of her health, as you might imagine.  And, if you've already done the math, you can see she's probably not long for this world.  I've been struggling a lot with this. 

Growing up, I used to think that money would solve all our problems.  I dreamed of becoming famous/fabulously wealthy and making it so my parents and siblings never had to lift a finger again and had time to spend together/be a loving family.  But, of course, my mom didn't have to be a workaholic...She definitely made enough money to spend more time with her kids, but I have a feeling she made herself busy with work to give herself a "reasonable" excuse to set boundaries without having to face the fear of rejection/abandonment.  This is a lot of the reason I think medical school appealed to her as much as it did.  Of course, part of the reason she couldn't respect others' boundaries was that she couldn't respect her own.

Anyway, as I learned more about her and observed the misery she created for herself with her self-defeating behaviors, I began to dream of "curing" her.  I wanted to help her learn how to make better decisions regarding her relationships and help her mend the bridges she'd burned/neglected between her and her children.  She used to be more receptive to my compassionate and patient coaching, but now she's starting to disbelieve her original diagnosis and attributing it to something else/refusing to take responsibility for her behaviors or attempt to change them.  She's digging her heels in and clutching onto the perception that she's the victim of everyone else's callousness.  Uuuuuuggggghhhh.  SMH.

I've been wondering if I'm crazy and if my behavior is just a remnant of my role in our abusive relationship, where I was the need-gratifying object and dismissing my own needs to be of benefit to her.  Like...Has this been some unwitting exercise of self-flagellation?  Does she have the capacity to change and become the mother we needed her to be?  Or am I just entangled in some intangible fantasy...some Sisyphean dream?



I write poetry to help process a lot of my tough emotions surrounding our relationship, and I wrote a poem that expresses this latest frustration. 

It's called "Help Yourself".



I had that dream again last night.
The one where I can't save your life.
I screamed and begged, "Just come with me!"
You shook your head.  Ignored my pleas.

You couldn't see the threat you faced.
You saw no need to leave that place.
I told you, "Just give me your trust!"
You looked at me with such disgust.

I stayed until the time ran out,
'Cause, you, I could not leave without.
I watched as you went on your way.
Behind you loomed your judgment day.

Yes, it killed me, not saving you.
But isn't that what you would do?
You taught me, "Always be of help."
I guess you couldn't help yourself.




I don't know what, if anything, I'm looking for from this group, but perhaps some of you can relate and let me know I'm not alone.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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beatricex
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 547


« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2020, 03:33:29 PM »

hi SisypheanDreams,

No, you are not crazy.  I find you to be intelligent, thoughtful and did I also detect a bit of humor in this post?

I think you have adapted well to a lot of shenanigans on your Mom's part.  Your status is "mostly estranged."  Do you think that is helping you, to maintain low or no contact?

Please post more.

((SisypheanDreams) big virtual hug for sharing your story, which must have been hard for you

I sometimes can get really intellectual about my struggles, and sort of hooked on my own story, and miss that it is the feelings that are important:  feeling them, saying "feelings just are" and releasing them.  It is one way I have found to feel better.  Do you have this experience too?

b
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madeline7
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 343


« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2020, 07:26:24 AM »

You are not alone. And I find myself reading this in the very early hours on Thanksgiving morning because I woke from a bad dream and could not get back to sleep. No family gathering this year due to covid, most people are torn up about this, but for me it is a welcome respite to family toxicity.

Your poem was beautiful and poignant.
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zachira
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2020, 01:08:30 PM »

You are not alone in wanting your family to change and get better. It takes time and lots of grieving to get to a place where disordered family members do not take up so much space in your head and you are more able to focus on your own healing. It may help to keep reminding yourself which feelings are yours and which are theirs. You do not owe it to your family members to feel their feelings for them. You are you, and a unique special person in your own right. It is a life long sorrow to have so many disordered family members and you are on the right path, searching for answers and trying to heal.
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SisypheanDreams

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Estranged (mostly)
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2020, 11:13:53 AM »

hi SisypheanDreams,

No, you are not crazy.  I find you to be intelligent, thoughtful and did I also detect a bit of humor in this post?

I think you have adapted well to a lot of shenanigans on your Mom's part.  Your status is "mostly estranged."  Do you think that is helping you, to maintain low or no contact?

Please post more.

((SisypheanDreams) big virtual hug for sharing your story, which must have been hard for you

I sometimes can get really intellectual about my struggles, and sort of hooked on my own story, and miss that it is the feelings that are important:  feeling them, saying "feelings just are" and releasing them.  It is one way I have found to feel better.  Do you have this experience too?

b


Thank you very much, b, for your reply.  It's nice to know I'm not crazy.  Thank you for the compliments, and for recognizing my attempts at humor.   Being cool (click to insert in post)

I appreciate your saying I have adapted well in response to her "shenanigans."  It's hard to judge "distance traveled" when you're not treading the same path as most people, so it feels reassuring to receive such a "progress report." As for our estrangement...I'm not sure if I'm making the smartest choice regarding emotion regulation.  There have been so many times over the past two years (the first two years of not living with my mom) where I've been emotionally distraught and looked at the contacts in my phone only to feel massive dread at the thought of having a conversation with her.  I just instinctively knew I would come away from the conversation feeling so much worse.  The times I gave it a try, my theory proved to be correct.  After spending 23 years of my life with her, it's hard for me not to seek support from her, but there is no rose without thorns.

My greatest struggle in speaking with her is that I want to express compassion and empathy for her feelings of "eternal victimhood", but it feels like I'm ceding territory in the battle of "who deserves to feel their feelings." It's like she doesn't understand how both her perspective and someone else's opposing perspective can be valid simultaneously because that other person is also a human being with their own separate experiences and feelings.  There are so many behaviors of hers that irk me that I have no idea how to articulate many of them.

For instance, any introspection she does almost always reaffirms a self-image she previously had (e.g., Onyx is the new black!).  She makes a show of trying to work on herself, but it's hardly ever genuine or fruitful.  It's like she only knows how to troll you in your relationship with her.  "And NOW!  For my next trick!  I will transform into *drumroll* ME!"

It feels like she is her own religion sometimes.  Like there's no way for me to question her behavior because she is the divine and infallible arbiter of all that is holy and righteous.  If you get into a disagreement with her, you have to be careful not to be silent for too long or she'll take it as you conceding the argument.  This has led me to reflexively say "My silence does not mean I agree with you" when I'm speaking with her.  She is also a firm believer in the "mic drop," so she will always think she's won the argument if she is the last one to say anything.  It's infuriating and childish.  She does not know how to listen when she has skin in the game.

It feels impossible to have a relationship with her because it's like you have to constantly work to prove your love for her or else any issues in the relationship are your fault.  BUT! the things she does to prove her love for you are often misguided attempts at "mindreading" and when she brings out her abacus at the end of the day to calculate who's earned more "right to complain" tokens, she forgets all of the stuff you've done and if you happen to have done something that trumps everything she's done, it just pisses her off.  She practically weaponizes niceties.  It's like she views love as a game and you're only winning if you're the biggest martyr.  It's ridiculous.

Because she has BPD, it feels like saying "I love you but hate these specific behaviors of yours" is akin to saying the homophobic adage: "Love the sinner, but hate the sin." The truth of the matter is she is getting closer and closer to dying each day and it's hard for me to feel motivated to have a relationship with her when she is too mentally ill to stop playing her games and too physically ill to handle the emotional weight of much-needed conversations.  I've spent my entire life sacrificing my own emotional needs for hers and it seems like the world (not you, b) is upset I'm not willing to do it again while she's on her last legs.*  I feel shame for being so withdrawn from her when she lacks the self-awareness to recognize or change her own behavior, and I wonder if I've unearthed a massive cache of "right to complain" tokens and playing them in this very last game.

The question I find myself asking is: Am I doing this at her or for me?

I'm sure I could guess what her answer would be, but does that make it right?

*After years of being made to fight for the higher ground, it seems I can't help but try to frame things in such a black and white fashion.  Like mother, like son, I guess.

SisypheanDreams
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SisypheanDreams

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Estranged (mostly)
Posts: 4


« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2020, 11:19:29 AM »

You are not alone. And I find myself reading this in the very early hours on Thanksgiving morning because I woke from a bad dream and could not get back to sleep. No family gathering this year due to covid, most people are torn up about this, but for me it is a welcome respite to family toxicity.

Your poem was beautiful and poignant.

Thanks for the reply.  I know exactly how you feel about family toxicity and much-needed space.  Sure, no amazing food, but I'm not sure it's worth having the labor to provide it held over my head.

I'm really glad you liked the poem!   With affection (click to insert in post)  Thank you  Love it! (click to insert in post)

SisypheanDreams
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SisypheanDreams

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Estranged (mostly)
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2020, 11:45:03 AM »

You are not alone in wanting your family to change and get better. It takes time and lots of grieving to get to a place where disordered family members do not take up so much space in your head and you are more able to focus on your own healing. It may help to keep reminding yourself which feelings are yours and which are theirs. You do not owe it to your family members to feel their feelings for them. You are you, and a unique special person in your own right. It is a life long sorrow to have so many disordered family members and you are on the right path, searching for answers and trying to heal.

Zachira, thank you for your reply.  I am touched by your wise words.  I'm tempted to tape them up in my room somewhere.  I think part of the reason I struggle so much with self-advocacy is that I was trained out of it in my relationships with my mom and brother.  I also struggle with this feeling of being uniquely qualified to put out the fire because of my closeness to them and the amount of work/introspection I've done, myself.  I feel sometimes like I'm on a plane that's about to crash and I'm the only one who knows how to use a parachute and land the plane safely.  I feel like, because I'm in a position of privilege, I can't abandon them to fend for themselves.  They're unable/unwilling to seek out the help they need, and while I'm not the most qualified to help them, I'm something

I don't think I would be living within my values to leave them to their own self-destructive devices, but I think the only way I can do it safely/healthfully is to diligently practice self-compassion.  And that's something I need to work on in therapy, so perhaps that's my instance of "putting my mask on before assisting others." 

You are you, and a unique special person in your own right. It is a life long sorrow to have so many disordered family members and you are on the right path, searching for answers and trying to heal.

You deserve all the hugs.  I can't tell you how much this means to me.  Thank you.

SisypheanDreams
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zachira
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2020, 12:23:18 PM »

I am glad you are feeling understood and helped by the replies you have received. You are not alone: Many of us with family members similar to yours are challenged in acknowledging our own feelings and doing what is right for our well being while constantly being flooded by the feelings of our disordered family members. Know that your disordered family members cannot handle their feelings, and this is why they dump their feelings onto you. My therapist gave me a great tip on how not to be so burdened by the feelings and actions of my disordered family members. She suggested I turn inward, notice my feelings, instead of focusing on the family members and their behaviors. I have often gotten caught up in the narrative of how badly I feel about how my family members are treating me, and it does indeed work to just quietly focus on what my underlying feelings are until they dissipate and I can then go on with my day. Indeed by regularly checking in with yourself and how you are feeling deep down inside, you will be practicing self compassion. You obviously have a lot of compassion for your family members and well aware of how distressed they feel inside. You will not be enabling your family members if you stay grounded in your own feelings while providing possibly at times more calm for everyone. You are not alone in wanting to help your family members while recognizing that they are not likely to seek the outside help they need. You are wise to be in therapy and determined to do what you have to do to feel better, and you will get there. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.
« Last Edit: November 27, 2020, 12:34:57 PM by zachira » Logged

beatricex
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 547


« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2020, 05:56:52 PM »

hi SisypheanDreams,
Just a quick note to say that this really resonates with me too.

"My greatest struggle in speaking with her is that I want to express compassion and empathy for her feelings of "eternal victimhood", but it feels like I'm ceding territory in the battle of "who deserves to feel their feelings." It's like she doesn't understand how both her perspective and someone else's opposing perspective can be valid simultaneously because that other person is also a human being with their own separate experiences and feelings."

I will post more when I have some more time, but I read your reply and wanted to thank you.  Even if you're not helping her, you're helping me. Being cool (click to insert in post)

b
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