Latest struggles

[yeeter]

Well the divorce process is a year into it.  Remarkably little progress.   Some unusual attributes such as if my wife sees me she has an allergic reaction and goes to the ER.  Quite a lot of implications to that. Every interaction (mainly via text) is difficult.  I am struggling to recover from the relationship trauma, with depression from the loss of my daughters. She made it very clear all along what the cost of divorce would be (loss of my children), which was why I stayed.   I haven’t seen my two daughters in 4 months now.  I connect with a teacher occasionally but otherwise no idea what is going on with their life.  

My son comes per the parenting agreement.  

Still a lot of decisions to make about where and how to live. Etc.

Not a single thing about the dynamics has been a surprise.  It is tough to lose your children.  Yet I feel sticking it out for as long as I did was beneficial to them in various ways.   This board helped in that.

But looking back over the years, this quote rings true:

There ain't no answer.
There ain't gonna be any answer.
There never has been an answer.
There's your answer.
Gertrude Stein

[ForeverDad]

Good that your son is abiding by the parenting agreement.  Is there any way to get the court to step in for your daughters, a young teen and a preteen?

If my math is close, your kids are S16, D14, D12?

I noticed you made this post a few months ago.  Do your own children have a counselor?  If not, can you file for the court to order counseling for them, especially since two of your children aren't following the agreement?  It may take time to achieve but, as my lawyer told me, courts love counseling.

Is it possible to get your children their own counselor?

If not formally, other family, or a close family friend or pastor or teacher/mentor for them to talk to and spend time with?

At a minimum encourage them to spend as much time as possible with friends and other normal people.  Reach out to their friends parents and setup play dates as much as possible.

It might be a way to help them establish some grounding on what is otherwise a very confusing, unclear world to them.  The more outside influence they can get the better.  They need to see a more normal world in some way.

By the way, your ex is allergic to you?  Confirm you've stopped the aftershave and cologne, unless it's a sight issue and not proximity.  Clearly, it's emotional.  That indicates a therapist is needed.  Or posturing.  That indicates, um, you expected it.

[yeeter]

Thanks FD

Yes. And we even have a GAL appointed. COVID has everything slowed down.  A lot. But I am hoping the GAL will help assess and setup appropriate counseling

Ages are correct. And it’s a line of sight thing with wife. 

And yes, nothing that has happened is a ‘surprise’.  Which doesn’t really help much, ‘the only way around, is through’.

I am hoping that in time my daughters decide to re engage.  Which might in part be paced by an environment to allow it.   Counseling is about all I can enable.   My mantra:  Persistence.  Communication.  Love.

[alleyesonme]

So sorry to hear about what you're going through. I can't imagine how hard that is to go that long without seeing your daughters. Forgive me if you've discussed this elsewhere, but is your ex intentionally alienating them against you? If so, hopefully the GAL will do whatever he or she can to help make things right.

[yeeter]

Yes of course there is alienation

My attorney is saying there is nothing that can be done about it since the kids are teenagers.  His advice is for me to just give up, move on with life, and hope that someday the kids choose to reconnect with me.

He is also challenging whether the GAL has any practical value.

It is pretty dire circumstances

[ForeverDad]

Like it is with a Custody Evaluator, a GAL could make or break your case.  When choosing these professionals, picking just anyone out of a hat, so to speak, is not a good idea.  You need someone with a reputation in court for being experienced, fair, not biased, not gullible, not clueless.

[CoherentMoose]

Do the best you can.  That is all anyone can ask of you.  There are several stories in here of people who persevered in the end after dark times.  Good luck and I'm certainly hoping things turn-around for you and your daughters.  CoMo

[alleyesonme]

Yes of course there is alienation

My attorney is saying there is nothing that can be done about it since the kids are teenagers.  His advice is for me to just give up, move on with life, and hope that someday the kids choose to reconnect with me.

He is also challenging whether the GAL has any practical value.

It is pretty dire circumstances

I'm so sorry to hear that. This sounds like a nightmare for you. Have you tried consulting with other attorneys to gauge whether they can think outside the box and get things moving in the right direction?

I'm in a really bad position myself right now, but the one thing I can say to you is to not give up under any circumstances. They may not know it now, but the adult version of your kids want you to fight as hard as possible right now. That's the one thing that's inspiring me and keeping me going right now.

[ForeverDad]

My attorney ... advice is for me to just give up, move on with life, and hope that someday the kids choose to reconnect with me.

While not stopping your efforts to be a father, there are strategies for when "someday the kids choose to reconnect with me".  One is to send them notes, cards, letters, texts, emails, invitations to activities and vacations, whatever is within your and their comfort zone.  Then save copies since they might be trashed in the near term.  Then if/when they ask years later, "Why didn't you do more?"  You'll have a shoe box or a few to pull out and let them see all you actually did.