Bracing for impact

[jefferson]

My daughter finally reached out after giving me the "silent treatment" for assisting with having her 2 children removed temporarily from her abusive home. 
I believe that she has been manipulating a family friend to put out feelers regarding getting back in touch. 
We spoke on the phone.  I realized that I was completely guarded and very short with my answers.  The emotion that usually would accompany the conversation was not present.  I felt numb.  Like I was talking with a stranger.  Very weird. 
I think I am bracing myself for the roller coaster to start up again.  The car has pulled up and I see myself sitting in it, strapped in waiting for it to lunge forward full speed.  I will reach out to my therapist to gain perspective and have the support from her. 
She has never been this angry before.  The family (my husband, our older daughter and myself) all received a group text from her last night. 
It said "Happy Thanksgiving.  Although I can hardly stand any of you right now Im grateful your all alive and doing well.  Love you."
This was the first communication that my husband and daughter have received.  My oldest daughter sent back a brief loving message acknowledging her anger and letting her know she loves her and is grateful for her.  My husband sent a message also.  I don't know what it said.  I also sent one.  It simply said "love you"
I am terrified to let my walls down.  Am I overreacting?  Should I be more willing to engage?  Part of me wants to call and try to fix everything, but the new enlightened part of me is holding back saying, don't go there until you have to. 
That being said, I guess the ride has already started.  Just internally. 
Thanks for any input. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Oh Jefferson , I completely understand your feelings!

This period of being estranged from our daughter is now going into its 5th year.  She started running away when she was just 12.   She is now 54 and I can't tell you how many times in the years in between we have been cut out of her life and even more sadly, out of the lives of our only 2 grandchildren.  In the earlier years the estrangements were never this long but then she was a single mother with financial and emotional issues and we worked hard to fill in the gaps.  No need for that kind of support now so no great need for us.  In a perfect world, at our age, this would be our time to be comforted and supported.

I, too, think of what a reconcilliation would bring at this point.  In all honesty, I am tired.  I am not wanting to get on the roller coaster again.  Just last night my husband and I were talking about the calmness that has been in our lives for these past few years.  Well, there have been a few bursts of caustic emails from her...coming out of the blue because of...?  I learned too late not to respond...not to J-A-D-E (Justifty-Argue-Deny-Explain).  Like you, my response has been "I love you"...but lately I don't even want to do that.  I've said/written it many times...meant it each time...still do...always will.

So, Jefferson, you are in a much younger age bracket than me...more time to work on skills.  Had I had the tools way back when to deal with her BPD-like behaviours, perhaps this would not be my story now.  Whatever!  It IS what it is...now getting on with life.

Kudos to you for having a therapist!  Also, you have the support of your husband and of other children.  That, unfortunately was not in my case.  Our only other child has issues of his own.  My husband was never the target of our daughter's wrath so wondered why I couldn't just let her barbs roll off my back.  (Oh so easy for him to say!   ... )  Twice over the years he consented to go to counselling with me over this issue.  Both times he walked in confidently...both times he walked out silent and pensive.  I, though, had my feelings validated and was more empowered to carry on.   We have created more of a balance in our relationship and life is pretty good for us now.

You hang in there, fellow Mom!  Keep doing your homework...keep coming back to voice your heart and your hurts then help others here with theirs.  By all means, keep your therapist on speed dial!  This is your journey and you should be in control of it, not your daughter.  Keep your eyes set on your happiness, your well-being.  What will follow is more of an ability for you to tend and care to those around you.   Be confident that you have always done your best...did better when you knew better...and, no doubt, will continue to do so.  Set yourself up as a role model for that troubled child of yours.

Here is to better and better days for all of us.

Huat

[Ending]

I do get where you are coming from. It’s the most confusing head spinning unbalancing disorder because they swing backwards and forwards and you never know where you are. They suck you in with their pseudo genuine “love” when it’s convenient and then spew you out with all the pent up rage and you’re supposed to just deal with it! Well now I’m in my 60’s ive had enough and have to look after me otherwise it will kill me. Us moms need to know we have done our level best and gone above and beyond so so many times (as loving moms do). Do not berate yourself but hold your head high.

[beatricex]

hi jefferson,
 You said "I felt numb.  Like I was talking with a stranger. "

This is just a normal reaction to the abuse.  Sometimes with my BPD'd relatives, I zone out, or dissociate.  Ever drove to the store, suddently realized you are there and don't know how you got there?  Can't remember exactly what you needed?  It is just a defense mechanism.

You are numb because you are protecting YOU. 

"I am terrified to let my walls down.  Am I overreacting?"  no

You are just where you need to be at this moment in your healing process.

 

b

[jefferson]

Thank you all for your generous, heart felt comments.  Joining this group has been the best thing I have done for myself.  It really means so much knowing that others completely "get" what I am experiencing. 
Having the resources available is also a great benefit. 
I will be reaching out in the future no doubt.   

[Pomsie]

I am sorry that you have experienced so much pain from your daughter. I have to say her text to everyone was quite funny, and remarkably honest for somebody who is probably in a lot of denial. Sounds like you did the right thing by making sure the children were safe.

How you respond to her I think would depend on how narcissistic she is. My daughter is 34 and has had borderline since she was about 16 or 17. When she got sick her sweet kindness that she always had disappeared. But she’s also very passive so it’s hard to see outwardly how much resentment she has towards us, or to read her accurately.

 The last couple years I have noticed that her narcissism has gotten a lot worse. Narcissism can be mild in BPD‘s or it can be quite extreme. So when you’re having these emotions where you want to connect with her and show love, you have to remember you might be dealing with a narcissist who does not experience emotions like you and may also be highly manipulative when your guard is down.  So I think your first priority should be to self protect and take good care of you. She obviously knows you love her so I think it’s best to just maybe stay quiet for a while and try to enjoy your holidays. Of course she may try to disrupt things by bringing chaos...I certainly hope not. But it sounds like things have been quite stressful lately, and I’m not really sure it’s a good time to reach out to her.

So that is my view of the situation is that you must first decide how narcissistic she is and whether or not you’re communicating on the same level, and then also maybe when in doubt it’s best to just wait and try to relax and let it go for a while.

I was in Al-Anon for years because of alcoholism in my family and one of the things that I learned, that was very significant, is that in dysfunctional families there is a kind of nervousness from all the chaos that goes on all the time. It eventually makes us feel like we always should DO something about a situation. A feeling that we must do something now because later on will be too late. They call this “excited misery”. Families who live with addictions and mental disorders have a sort of excited misery going on all the time, they get used to it, so it’s very hard for them to just “do nothing”. Sometimes our need to do something about the situation just brings more excited misery. We need to search for calm and peace in our lives. And try not to be reacting to the ill person all the time.

Hope this helps. ❤️

[beatricex]

pomsie,
thanks for naming what I feel...excited misery 

b

[jefferson]

 Thank you for the insight.  I have never heard of that before but it makes sense. 
We have spoken a few times, and I remain guarded.  It is amazing how after such a hurtful experience she expects that things will just go back to normal. 
After I told her that we would not be taking responsibility for paying for the kids to fly home when the time comes, she has been pretty quiet again. 
I guess she is adjusting to the new attitude that we have adopted.
I started reading "stop walking on eggshells" and I am finding it helpful.  Only little bits at a time so that I can absorb the content. 
I appreciate all of the support and resources here.