No contact and cousins wanting to stay

[kiwigal]

I’m trying to work out how I should handle this;
I’m no contact with SIL - my husband is low contact.
She is narcissistic and her hubby is enabling. My MIL is uBPD and my FIL enabling.
My in laws are coming to stay and want to know if the cousins (kids of narcissistic SIL) can come stay too -
In the past we’ve said yes.
But I’m struggling with powerlessness versus radical acceptance;
Does radical acceptance mean we accept that
a) this arrangement feeds triangulation
b) we know that there will be comments made, ie, “you’re not doing your SIL any favour.. they have nothing to do with the arrangement so won’t be paying for any activities” (yes this has been said in the past)
And get on with enjoying them...

Or do we

Ask that communication be direct (my SIL feels free to communicate with my hubby about many other things)

Or do we

Say no and arrange a gathering later and on our terms?

[Methuen]

Personally, you have to do what is right for you, and that may be very different than what is right for me or anyone else on this board.  

Here  are the facts:
It sounds like 2 of the family members are NPD and BPD.  They each have a partner, and their two partners are both enabling of the other.

Since you are NC with SIL, I'm going to assume there is "history".

We are in a Covid pandemic.

Point of clarification: are all 4 of them wanting to come at once?  And maybe bring kids too?  How old are the "kids"?

Are you comfortable hosting that many people who have travelled from out of town in a pandemic?  

Where I live, we have been told to avoid all non-essential travel.  People are largely observing this.  Personally my H and I wouldn't be comfortable hosting that many people for any length of time at this time.  Covid is blowing up where I live.  

Is it possible the BPD/NPD is a secondary risk to the physical Covid risk?  Which is the biggest risk?

Another question: are you the "destination"?  How long would they be staying?  Is it a single night enroute to another destination, or are they wanting to come and stay for a visit?

Lastly, to answer your other questions, if two couples are coming together, and one person from each couple is either NPD or BPD, the fact that they are coming together could mean that this could indeed be setting up possibility for triangulation.  You know them and have experience with them, so you are probably the best person to answer your question.

Radical acceptance to me does not mean accepting manipulations or being a doormat, or being used as a hotel for accommodation, or a quick get out of town holiday.  Perhaps it makes a difference why they are coming? (Is it for medical reasons, or important family business?)

Radical acceptance to me is accepting my mom and her BPD, and having no expectations of her to understand me, or treat me how I wish to be treated as her daughter.  Instead, I have been the one to change how I communicate with her, how I manage my relationship with her, and how I react to her when she goes "BPD" on me.  I accepted that it was all on me, cs she was never gonna change.  "No expectations."

What does your H think about his family and the kids coming?  What does he want to do?

Say no and arrange a gathering later and on our terms?

Hmm.  When dealing with PD's, it is always helpful to manage relationships on your terms IMHO, even without a pandemic going on.   A lot probably depends on where your H stands on all this.

[beatricex]

hi kiwigal,
I agree with Methuen.  Radical acceptance is a tactic to get along with your BPD'd person.  For some means.

What you have described sounds to me like chaos (sorry, my Mom is also BPD'd/NPD'd).  Two personality disordered couples under your roof with kids.  It is a lot, why you posted here.

I'm not sure I understand why this is necessary to take this on?  But I am in a weird place of trying not to jump on any Karpman triangles, so I apologize in advance if I missed an important point.

   please let me know if this helped at all.  myself, I like someone to mirror back to me what I think I've said but disregard if not helpful at all

b

[kiwigal]

Thank you both of you.
It’s just my parents in law staying and they asked ahead if the cousins could come also to stay.
My SIL (kids mum) plays this game of not asking/ talking/ engaging with us because I’m guessing she doesn’t want to feel indebted. She acts very entitled.
My MIL enables it.
I find it dysfunctional and so does hubby. He of course wants to see his nephews (aged 10 and 15) and so is happier to get on with it. However, I find it all acts to position me as the scapegoat and difficult person ... subtly feeds the narrative that I can’t be reasoned with.
I guess I’m torn between accepting that it’s one way we can see the cousins without dealing with their chaotic parents. And the other half of me can’t be bothered engaging in the dynamics at all.
As it is, it’s all a hypothetical question as apparently the cousins haven’t actually asked directly, but might do because in her words “they always ask” ... however, if we do say yes we will likely hear “this has nothing to do with (the parents” and that feels so crazy to me?

[Notwendy]

So these are your husband's parents and his nephews?

I had a similar situation. BPD mother and there was a mutual dislike between her and my father's family but they were civil about it.

We spent a lot of time with them, just us kids, and then my father would visit, but not my mother. So they had us kids and not her staying with him.

We loved it. It was a chance to get away from the issues we had at home and we loved spending time with my dad's family.

New considerations of course are Covid-19 related. We didn't deal with that at the time. Of course you need to make the best decision for you in this situation. But aside from that, having the kids but not their BPD mother is a different dynamic. Her behavior is not their fault. If you don't want to have them because of her, it's a decision about them- based on her, not their own actions. I would make this about you and them- are they well behaved teens? Is it an imposition? Is it too much with Covid? SIL will say/do whatever she wishes but maybe thinking about this besides her behavior will help.

[beatricex]

hi again kiwigal,
You said "However, I find it all acts to position me as the scapegoat and difficult person ... subtly feeds the narrative that I can’t be reasoned with."

thank you for explaining your thoughts further

Totally agree this is very subtle and if you do decide to host these kids (and the reason is your husband misses them), it is a good opportunity to practice using the tools.

Speak your truth, and I think you will surprise yourself.

 

b

[GaGrl]

Here's another perspective...

If your husband wants to see his nephews (and those ages are terrific), why not be more proactive about it and take it out of MIL's manipulations and issue an invitation. If mostvappropriate, have your husband contact his sister...

 "Mom and dad are coming to visit on (date). We would really like to have the boys come with them. Is that something you could work out?"

Take the power into your own hands.

[kiwigal]

Here's another perspective...

If your husband wants to see his nephews (and those ages are terrific), why not be more proactive about it and take it out of MIL's manipulations and issue an invitation. If mostvappropriate, have your husband contact his sister...

 "Mom and dad are coming to visit on (date). We would really like to have the boys come with them. Is that something you could work out?"

Take the power into your own hands.

Oh my word this is BRILLIANT! Thank you!

[GaGrl]

Takes care of the triangulation, for sure.

[kiwigal]

Takes care of the triangulation, for sure.

Thank you so much. It so does! The triangulation is the greatest hook for us, and chaos maker in the family dysfunction. Sometimes it takes wrestling it out, for me to get a fresh perspective and recognise what is occurring and why I'm feeling angry. Historically, neither my husband or I - have held good boundaries and so there is a process of 're-educating' the family on where those boundaries lie.
I appreciated the way you were able to objectively identify where the power imbalance was happening and to succinctly take back our power. The suggested solution was perfect... as whatever the reaction from SIL, we are not having to filter it through two dysfunctional systems (SIL via MIL). In fact, I fully expect a dysfunctional response but also feel assured that we can ignore it and stick with the facts.