Not sure if I'm in the right place...

[FedupLucy]

OK, so I just joined this group after intermittently lurking on this site for a year. I've been dealing with various dramas involving my mother for years now.

The family narrative is that she struggles with depression and abuses alcohol but, while those are real issues for her, I have started to think that she may have a personality disorder.  She is nearly constantly miserable and there is always an external reason (usually a person she feels is victimizing her) to blame. This is usually my dad but it shifts around and in the last year has been her sister, her brother, her mother, and all of her kids, myself included.  She is prone to raging outbursts that can be really intense where she will shatter dishes or rip photos off the wall. She can be insanely cruel when she flies off the handle and will say horrible things but she's never been physically abusive to my knowledge. No matter what happens, no apology is ever offered. She will always justify her actions with an example of how she was wronged, sometimes by an event that happened decades ago.

A couple of years ago I started having anxiety issues that I couldn't shake off and I saw a counselor.  In only a few sessions we uncovered the fact that I was burdening myself with responsibility for other peoples actions and feelings. It seems crazy to put in writing but I have literally picked apart an outing where maybe my kids were little punks and my husband was grouchy after the fact thinking if I'd done a, b, or c differently everyone would have had a good time. I re learned that it's awesome good at picking people up when they're down, cheering someone up etcetera but it's almost arrogant to take such responsibility for another person's feelings and actions.

The counseling helped and the more I reframed my thinking the more my anxiety evaporated because it turned out, for the most part, my friends and family weren't expecting me to completely center them in the universe. The exception of course was my mother. It became apparent that things were not right and I realized how dysfunctional things were and just felt like something was off. 

To fast forward a bit, I work in health care and in an article about caring for challenging patients I came across the term "help refusing complainer" in reference to BPD and it was like a jolt went through me.  I voraciously read a bunch of articles and then moved on to a few books on the subject and certain things just seem to click.  It's cliche but it felt like an awakening.

To be clear, she's never been formally diagnosed. I'm not sure if she has BPD or not. I'm not sure if it really even matters. I think reading about BPD and learning to make some boundaries has helped. I also always felt guilty that I had such a superficial relationship with her. I avoid direct honesty about touchy topics because I know it will bring on an outburst. I think I have made peace with that somewhat now. I try and enjoy her company when the going is good and not engage too much when it isn't.

I do feel trapped with not having much of a relationship with my dad. He doesn't use a cell phone and almost all our interactions are filtered through her. She is most unpleasant with my dad so the interactions are very tense and she insults almost everything that he says.  Once in a while we manage to hang out with him without her there and it's night and day, he's like a different person.

Anyway, this has to end someplace, sorry if a bit rambly. Felt I needed to put it in words.

[pursuingJoy]

OK, so I just joined this group after intermittently lurking on this site for a year.

So glad you decided to speak up and post! Great to hear from you!

it's almost arrogant to take such responsibility for another person's feelings and actions.

I also struggle with taking responsibility for the actions of others. Counseling helped me realize that taking the blame for everything is a defense mechanism, a form of control. Releasing the desire to control means allowing others to take responsibility for their own actions - I try not to apologize for their behavior, I don't defend their behavior. Sometimes it just means staying silent when they expect me to pick it up for them.

To be clear, she's never been formally diagnosed. I'm not sure if she has BPD or not. I'm not sure if it really even matters.

Many of us here have family with undiagnosed BPD. I guess it can help to get a diagnosis but healing doesn't depend on it. Things can improve whether you have a diagnosis or not. 

I also always felt guilty that I had such a superficial relationship with her. I avoid direct honesty about touchy topics because I know it will bring on an outburst. I think I have made peace with that somewhat now. I try and enjoy her company when the going is good and not engage too much when it isn't.

I have three daughters, and I would fully support this response to unhealthy behavior, whether it was my own or someone else's. You've developed natural boundaries to hurtful patterns. Nothing to feel guilty about. I would argue that your responses to her, both your boundaries/limits as well as your engaging when it's good, is incredibly loving towards her. I hope you extend the same grace and love to yourself. 

I do feel trapped with not having much of a relationship with my dad.

Whew this is the tough stuff, isn't it? When your relationship with a cherished family member is affected by a disordered individual? Some of it is simply grieving loss. Sometimes there are things we can do differently to alleviate the tension and drama. The Karpman triangle can come into play, have you read up on that to see if any of it applies? Check out the tools tab above.

[Snoopy737]

Hi Lucy

I'm pretty sure you're in the right place, bc you sound pretty much like me. And it sounds a bit like my relationship with my mother.

I'm a guy, 50, and I also get anxiety, when I live with these BPD behaviours from my sis and my mom.

I also have the effect to sense how people feel, also tried healthcare. And sometimes I blame myself for always helping others bc I don't get much the other way/back.

I think it's kind of learned in our childhood, bc we had to sense how our parents fell, so we could comfort them or avoid a temper tantrum from them. I'm not sure, you're still checking answers for your post. So i won't write a whole diary before I know you have seen this post.

all best from P