Hi SolidScree,
Welcome to our community. My uBPD mom is 84, lives independently, is also frail, and is physically and emotionally needy. She has complicated health issues. I am an only child, and live about 8 minutes away. I am her only family, other than her sisters who are in their late 80's and 90's who live 800 miles away. I understand what you mean when you say you are the "responsible" adult child.
Despite encouragement and direction from us (me & husband), unable to get a plan in place. We help when asked and... the BPD sister undermines it all by disparaging me with nothing to offer.
We went through this with my H's sister. H's sis was nasty. Her decision's about their father's care benefitted her, not their father. She imposed her values on him and treated him like a child. She had POA, so signed off on all his cheques and paid herself about $4000/mo for caring for him. My H also had POA, and tried to have rational conversations with her (we live far away), but not once did it achieve anything that would benefit their father. It always benefitted her. The poor father had no voice at all. She was a master at manipulating.
But she cannot stick to a plan when BPD sister is undermining things and disparaging me. Now BPD sister wants to move near mom, who has modest investment $ (reserved for medical, home care, assisted living). BPD sister has history of poor money management, multiple marriages, unstable.
Do any of you have POA for your mom? Unless
you get POA, there will be little you can do. There are all kinds of reasons why joint POA's don't work well, especially with BPD in the mix.
If your mom is BPD, and your BPD sis moves close to her, that is probably going to be a challenge for you. BPD's tend to make decisions based on emotion only, and if she's like my mom, you can present facts and options, but her decisions will still be her decisions, and it's possible you won't agree with them. BPD's are afraid of being abandoned, so if your sister offers to move close to your mom, your mom is likely to think that is the answer to all her problems (even though the problems may only be beginning). Maybe I am jaded because of what my H went through with his sis, but much of the inheritance ended up in her bank account before their father died. He lived with dtr for 7 years. Plenty of opportunity. H didn't want to raise a stink because he was afraid it would affect the behavior of his sis with their dad. Their dad wanted to "be taken care of", and so accepted the offer of dtr to live with them.
Are you aware of your mom's finances? You mention she has modest investment $ reserved for medical, home care and assisted living. The thing to do would be to look into if there is a way to protect her finances. Maybe discuss with your financial advisers to see if they have ideas about how to protect her $$? Are you by any chance POA?
The potential situation is not good. Very possible sister will get the $ and mom will both verbally abused and extorted. Then mom will look to me and my husband for help. And it will be up to me to get sucked in or say no.
I hear you. Others on this site may have more experience or better advice to offer than I.
The elderly are so vulnerable, and I think it is so sad that it is so often at the hands of their own family members/children. This is the evil side of money.
The one thing my H was able to do, was secure the modest earnings from the sale of his father's house while his dad was visiting with us. He took his dad into a bank here where we live, and his dad gave consent to put all the money from the sale of his house into a modest but protected investment, which my H managed for him. Because my H was with him and also had POA, H was the bank contact if there were questions about investment renewals. Believe it or not, at one point H's sis went into her bank branch in her city with their dad, and tried to have the funds transferred to her branch. That triggered a phone call from our branch to my H. Because of certain protections the bank had in place, her mitts never got that money. Like your sis, my H's sis can't manage money either. She's always "poor" and members of her church have often helped her out financially.
Not sure if any of these stories help, or generate ideas for managing your situation. At the very least, know that you are not alone.
You can support your mom to make good decisions, but at the end of the day, her decisions are hers, for better or worse, and she alone gets to own them.
Not having even loosely functional family, and being the target of their animosity has been tremendously painful. Tired.
Two words: self care!
