Sister-in-law troubles

[Cat Oneil]

I don't even know where to begin... My brother has been married to a woman with BPD for the past 16 years. Trying to maintain a relationship with either of them is a major task. I can say, with complete confidence, the issues we have in my family now didn't exist before she came along. I have compassion for her and I know she's been through a lot, but she's incredibly abusive. She also has a pattern of causing a rift between my brother and me. We are really close most of our lives. My brother was always my best friend. Now I seem to be treated like the "source of all his problems". I know it comes from a very unwell place and he just has to do what he thinks is best for him and his family. However, he's also started to be hurtful to me. Almost like he has BPD by proxy. I'm not sure if it's better to be general, first, and then see what people might have to suggest or if they have questions about my circumstances. I just really need a place to find solace outside of my friends and family because I feel like I burden them if I talk about it too much. Thanks for reading. ♥️

[pursuingJoy]

Welcome to the family! We're glad you're here! 

This is a great, safe place to bounce around thoughts and openly vent about struggles. We get it. I am no stranger to BPD in-laws...I have a BPD MIL, and the BPD dysfunction is traceable throughout the entire family.

Kudos to you for having compassion for your SIL. It can be tough to tap that empathy when you're hurting, but empathy can and will keep that door open way longer than ultimatums and other unhealthy responses. 

I imagine you miss your brother and that you're grieving the loss of a good family dynamic. What's the hardest part about all of this?

[Four Winds]

Hello and welcome. Yes, my brother is also married to an uBPD.  Its been an uphill struggle since she came into his life more than 20 years ago to try and maintain normal family relationships and avoid unnecessary drama. He and I had a close friendly relationship and really valued any time spent together.  But its gone now.  He has been removed.  Its obviously not worth it to him to try maintain much contact as she has conditioned him to avoid his FOO (particularly me, his sister) and also his good friends. in fact practically everyone who loves him has been removed.  He is a co-dependent and spends his life pretty much taking care of all her needs, so he has no time (..too busy...).  She makes sure she doesnt have to do a thing (i.e. cooking, cleaning, food shopping, laundry etc etc..) and he has to spend his evenings and weekends doing household chores.  She is a master at keeping him flat out busy so he isnt available, not even for a quick coffee catch up.  He has also in the past blamed me for much of her issues and was also very hurtful towards me. Yes, also like he has BPD by proxy.  Her perceptions which can be quite crazy at times have also become his reality. Can you tell us a bit more about your own circumstances? I also felt like I was becoming a burden to my family and friends when trying to find support and understanding.  I was very troubled by the situation and struggled for years to try and deal with the heartache.  The loss of a normal brother sister relationship can feel like an ongoing bereavement.