My gf ask a pause, is this the end ? : (

[zaid95]

Hello All  , its my first post and sorry for my bad English..

i will tell all my story, it started in june/2020 with a girl in the college class we were both students( i am 25 and her 23y.o).
At the beginning every thing is good she is smart, help people around, emotional,take care of me, and she like to be leader always, and has strong personality and she work very well,  we did a meeting to explain everyone's personality and how to deal with each other .

I told her that i have depression and i am following therapy and usually i am in negative mood, she said the she has problems with communication she can't explain herself, and that she is agressive, and she destroied her ex's boyfriends, and she doesn't respond to their msgs, she said once her ex texted her before 9 months and she answered his msg 4 months later, i said "well i will not quit you" she said all of them promised me like you but then they left me (with sad face) and you have seen nothing until now of my aggressiveness and she said the she is a Tank.

she also explained to me that she is hypersensitive , she dont like noises, if there is negative person in her group she will feel it directly and she quit the group because that hurts her,
she gave me personalised gift to protect my from bad eye(the evil eye) she also gave me one to my mother .. and other gifts

Two months later i felt that i am the only one who start conversation, and i said its ok she has communication difficulties, and when i ask her she says because she works, and the i discover that the read comics and watching movies, and every time i ask her to talk to react with me , she be silent more and more, until october she started to answer my msgs like "yes ok no"when we i drove her to the college, she started yelling at me in the car , make fun of me infront of others sometimes , and she think always that she is a queen and perfect and beautiful and the others are less than her, in the same time she doesnt accept someone praise her, she hate that because she is humble as she says , i started thinking that she is ego, she think about herself only...

before when i  arrive  to her house to drive her she open the doors and let me eat with her mom, and after the first couple of months or 3 ,when i arrive early to her house , i wait her about 30-40 minutes in the car and it feel so cold , and she doesnt let me in.

then she started to ignore my msgs completly, no kiss's no hug, we forget everthing about love her mother told her also that i am always stressful and i move alot and its not good for her health if we continue together... i started to cry last weeks (not infront of her but i told her its painful and i am sad) and ask her what is going on ...  she said its psychological thing and she cant explain it..

on 18/10/2020 it was my birthday she sent me a message of 4 words "happy birthday zai", i ask her days before to go out together in mybirthday and she refused because its cold , and in my birthday she posted her pics on instagram she was walking around in somewhere.

About 20/10 i started to ignore her , not sending her msgs , i didnt talk to her in the college like she is not exists..i was surprise by a msg from her asking me "so you will not talk to me again?", i felt encouraged and some regret and i started to talk with her but always the same.
one day before last time i saw her i sent invitation for her to visit the animal zoo .

so here is the most important part  for me : )

Last contact face to face was  23/10  when i drove her home ..she didnt opened the door of the car we stayed in silence for about some minutes i felt some thing gonna happen , and she says that i am very good guy and she saw how i try to fix our relationship, and she is trying to work on her agresseveniss specially with me but she failed,  she proposed to me to do a pause like that she can heal her self ( without specifying how much it long) and that was our last day in college so i didnt seen her after.

3 days after i sent her 3 msgs first one ,i asked her by sms to determine an end date , and she ignored this msg,minutes later only.. i saw her posting party songs on facebook with happy emojis and some and some of her photos she posted with sun glasses with caption "i am serious as f*", second one i told her that its painful! i started to follow therapy because of all of this ! i did everything to save our relationship and you chosed to ignore me and i cant do more, i dont ending our relationship but its responsibility is up to you ", she posted another story with her pics again with caption " DONT MESS WITH ME" i just replied her story that "her tank mode is activated !" (but that time i dont know what does BPD or NPD means ,and i think i blowed it up here) ,and  just one hour later another story filming her laptop while she is watching a movie and behind the her laptop my flowers that i gave her couple of weeks ago.
 
I realised that her stories hurting me , i started to avoid watching it .. she knew it so she hidded her stories of me
Last contact on social media was about 6 november or 8 , i missed her so much and i regretted telling her about tank mode , so i draw her face and i sent her my draw on instagram and i told her that i had enough of the pause and i miss you ,she saw it and just hours later the seen mark on instagram disappeared i realized that she restricted me (in instagram blocked me but we still following each other).

until yesterday my doctor said she is probably not Narc but BPD..
for now she post alot of her images as she is the big boss and beautiful and colorized etc ..in her comments she laughts and seems everything is ok(seems)
.
.
And now i dont know what to do ..
* do i have to go no contact and keep her a way of my life waiting her to be healed ?
* as i red about mirroring, and i am stress usually and negative so she will be stress and she want to leave me ?
* or i have to support her by telling her about BPD ?

I will be thankful to you if you answer me and give some information , i dont know much about BPD , thanks guys/girls
 

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[Bella2798]

Hey there!
I'm new here just like you, and as nobody answered my question, I could understand where you're staying and how you feel and maybe you need someone just to reply and tell you their opinion so maybe it can make you feel a little better, so I'm writing for you know.
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 years, and we had lots of breakups. I've heard this "pause" thing from him, too. And when he isolates himself and breaks up with me, he's nearly always online on social media. Always online on Telegram, watching posts on Instagram, posting on Twitter and even talks softly with others and laughing at jokes and seems to having fun. First times it made me feel really awful as I thought he's happy without me. But now I know these times, he feels really in pain, even suicidal, and all of this is something to avoid feeling that pain and he's struggling to feel better, to not feel that emptiness or worthlessness.
Maybe your girlfriend feels in that way, too. BPD is very complicated. Maybe she feels you love her, and can't find out why (because she can't love herself) ans also she fears of you leaving her one day so she leaves you first to not get hurt in the future.
Untreated BPD is a mess, believe me. I had this "yes no okay" messages, too. And it's when my partner is feeling much pain that he can't handle and he just wants to survive and can't even concentrate on what I say at all, or he gets very aggressive toward me.
In this all of these situations, I stay aside, and just send one or two texts like "I'm here if you needed anyone kr any help" or "I love you and I'm here for you no matter what happens/happened" and wait for him to start a conversation, or just unblock me (though I know this waiting is so hard and sad, I can't even eat properly on this situations and always worried about if this time is the last time or not).
Of course, people are different and their reactions are, too. I just wanted to explain this so maybe you can find some similarities and helps you to understand a bit more of what is happening.
If she's still contacting you somehow, maybe it's not over yet.
If you could ever start a conversation in peace with her, maybe it can be a good idea to just randomly point out BPD (with words that she feels safe and not putting labled on, and like a random thing you just want to share) so it can give her a hint on what's going on.
My boyfriend gets anxious when I'm stressed, but maybe it's not true about your girl because my partner has anxiety problems, too.
Just remember nothing is your fault. BPD affects you, too, and it's not easy to communicate when there is a wall made of stone between you. Take care of your mental health, for yourself and even for her. Because if you two decide to continue, you need to be stronger than her, and very patient. If you feel bad, your relationship doesn't work neither. Your mental health is important. Take care of yourself.
Hope this can help you a little bit. ❤️

[zaid95]

Hello ! )

very thankful for your reply ! ,acually she is not trying to contact me as i said  i draw her and i sent her by msg on instagram and she restricted ..
how can i know if the relationship is over for her or not please ? , does your boyfriend ever tried to contact you during break ups ? how much time it longs ? .

last thing can i contact you for exchange some informations pls ? : ) , thanks again

[Bella2798]

To be honest, nope. He never tries to contact me during that period. Even if I try to contact him (like texting him by another account) he would block me, but finally comes back for things like say a sorry for ending like that and he still doesn't want to come back to the relationship (mostly because he feels like I don't care enough and I'm not that ideal one he always wanted). This is the time when we start talking and after a while we get back.
Honestly, I can't tell when the relationship is really over, and that's why I get too nervous when we break up. But this kind of "pause" thing sounds like she wants to get back.
It can be different for everyone of course, but my boyfriend had isolated himself and broke up for even a month (when we didn't know about his BPD and we were younger, we even had a period of 3 months).
And feel free to contact me every time you needed. I'll come here once a day at least.

[zaid95]

Thank you v much ! , i will