BPD and more

[WalkingonEggshel]

My wife was diagnosed with BPD.  Some days she accepts it and others she does not.  I have started to better myself and go the therapy to learn more about her condition and help her.  However, it seems as if she doesn't want to get better or care to. We have two daughters and they are 5 and 2.  Even the effects on them hasn't pushed her to make any major efforts.  She was committed to hospital for a few days and still nothing.  When I challenged her on it she said she wanted a divorce and she was taking the kids.  It is a worldwind of chaos.  In her times of clarity she gets sad and beats herself up and then the next day its like it didnt happen and back to the craziness.  I want to believe she wants help and wants us but I can't help but feel she does.
She looks for attention elsewhere and when she thinks its over between us she looks to an affair or ex or anything to not have to be alone.  
I do not not if she is too far gone and I want to know if it is time to pull the plug or endure?  Anyone have a similar situation and any advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Melissinde]

Hey there  

How long has it been since your wife was diagnosed and/or got aware that she might have a mental condition?

When I got back with my boyfriend after he had broken up with me a couple of times, I did it on the condition that he saw a therapist because of his mood swings (we didn't know about BPD at the time). He agreed to it but it was extremely hard for him to accept that he had mental health issues. When he started his path towards finding a therapist, his mood swings got a lot worse. A lot. For a few months, the relationship was a nightmare. He is on and off with therapy, he still didn't get a diagnosis but today he has become muuuuch better at dealing with his "crisis" and is more at peace with the idea of having mental health issues (it's still far from perfect though).

So what I can say in the light of my experience (which is only mine) is that your wife may be quite disturbed and overwhelmed by just having gotten a diagnosis, if this is recent. My bf's therapist had told him it often gets worse before it gets better. So maybe she is just going through a hard phase and you can go through it together, which will require a loot of patience, understanding and mental stability of your side. But only you know what you are willing and able to cope with.

What are your thoughts?

[WalkingonEggshel]

Thank you for the reply.

We have been down this path since about May of this year.  When she was suicidal and we took her to the doctor.  Things were not the greatest before that as I found about an online affair she was having and still to this day she craves the attention from the other person and even others on social media.  Inappropriate attention.  First it was Bi-polar then it was Borderline.  Mental illness does run in her family.  She was diagnosed borderline about 2 to 3 months ago. 
Has not seeked any help but she has tentatively agreed to a treatment center for now.  She will leave after Christmas if she sticks with it. My wifes illness is "EXTREME" and coupled with anxiety, depression.  She had a lot of childhood trauma and neglect.  From my understanding that could be a culprit.  Her willingness to seek help is dependent on her mood.  Which can be set off by high emotions, true events or made up ones.
I am seeking therapy myself and learning more about it which helps me to cope with it alot.  I was urged to find support and have someone to talk about it that is also going through it. 

Some days are not bad and I see the light at the end of the tunnel, others it feels like I am just going deeper into the hole with her.

[Melissinde]

What are the things you are struggling the most with? What happens in those days when you feel you are being dragged in a hole with her?

[WalkingonEggshel]

Her infidelity. The "its ok for her but not for me" in every situation. 
She says she loves me and wants to me with me but then reaches out to her affair. 
She seems to just not understand the facts and our family is being destroyed.
I am the reason for all of her problems is really eating at me because I am the one trying to help.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s good that you’re willing to participate in therapy. It’s really hard to be in a relationship with someone with BPD unless you have the necessary relationship tools.

How long will your wife be involved with a therapeutic program?

[WalkingonEggshel]

If she sticks with the program and actually goes in the new year.  She will be there for 49 days.

[Cat Familiar]

In the meantime, what are some of the daily issues that arise?

[WalkingonEggshel]

Mostly her inability to take responsibility, blame is always on me.  Too many of her lies to follow and when she does get caught she lashes out and says hurtful things.  The more extreme days she doesn't care about what she does that is hurting me or the kids and says she shouldn't have to change and we need to change. 

[Cat Familiar]

As the “non” in the relationship, you have to shoulder the burden of steering it into more healthful territory. It’s not equitable, but ultimately it will make things easier and less volatile.

Though she appears uninterested or incapable of hearing about your needs, or taking responsibility for herself, this might improve through a practice of active listening on your part.

I know how resistant I was to doing anything more than I was already doing, but learning how to listen to the underlying emotions of my partner really helped dial down the reactivity.

Here’s a link to a couple of good articles:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[WalkingonEggshel]

I have been going through the lessons and doing my own therapy thats helping me guide the convo.  I am learning but it is tough.