He’s had a rage every six days and yesterday he hit me

[Scarletlavender]

Sorry to jump on this existing thread - but I thought maybe I’d get some urgent support just joining in...
My husband was recently diagnosed with BPD and is in therapy - but it has been over 25 years struggling with this without knowing. I’m incredibly proud of him for getting into treatment, but it has not seemed to get that much better after 3 months.  He’s had a boardeRAGE incident every 6 days for the past 3 weeks and yesterday he hit me.  Not the first time. I feel really lost and alone and angry and depressed and hopeless.  I know he’s fragile, but there’s a big part of me that feels like he never has consequences for his actions because he can always blame BPD and it’s “not him.” If I threaten to leave, he’ll either hurt me or himself and I don’t want to leave him (so I don’t want to lie).
First post - need advice

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[JustJillian]

I'm so sorry he hit you. Nobody deserves to be hit, ever. It is so much harder to deal with their violence and makes getting past the episode that much harder. I know they always say they are sorry after, but it is so hard.
I actually defended myself, the last time my hubby punched me, but I realize that is not always the right thing for everyone. After the fight was over, he actually asked me to apologize for defending myself.
Just be safe and make sure you have an escape plan in place.

[Scarletlavender]

Thank you JustJillian for letting me know I’m not alone.  I’ve defended myself before too (I’m a New Yorker who NEVER backs down from anyone except him), but it never “snapped” him out of it.  Or did anything to protect myself for that matter.  I do have a safety plan, but using it means:
1) I’ll have to explain the bruises to my brother and I hate how much BPD has already caused drama on its own without me adding to it
2) He always threatens to hurt or kill himself if I leave.  I’m not entirely sure if he’s serious
Not only do I feel isolated, now that he’s a bit calmer, it feels like it’s totally my responsibility to make things “nice and light and loving” again even though I’m angry and drained.  If I don’t immediately forgive him and act “normal” I know that his insecurity about hitting me will make him angry again (which is f’ing crazy).  Around and around the circle we go. 
What have you done after the incident? How do you move forward to forgive? What consequences has your partner had?

[JustJillian]

We are in the middle of a "humdinger" of a fight now. It has lasted almost a week this time with a one day, a little bit of a reprieve on Tuesday. The arguing has not gotten better at all only worse.
He has not hit me after the last time when I defended myself. He had run after me as I was trying to leave the house because he was getting out of control. He caught me at the door before I could unlock it and started punching me. he stepped back and was charging toward me, so I threw a huge coffee travel mug at him and broke his ribs, he then picked it up and threw it at me, mostly missing me and it went through our front plate glass window. I refuse to fix the window too.
When he was calmed down, he asked me to apologize for hitting him and breaking his ribs and I told him, not only will I never ever apologize, but if he ever puts his hands on me again, I will make him wish he was dead.
Maybe this is why he didn't hit me last night? He did kick the electric heater at me and throw a candle across the room.
All I know is that I cried all the way home from work on Friday night because I already knew this weekend was going to be hell and I'm so tired of all this. It has cost me my health and I just can't live like this.
At this point, I have blocked him on my phone and told him I will not discuss another word of his lies, that he is insisting on having me agree are true, unless and until one or both of us are in front of a therapist, I have an appointment for myself next week. I told him if he wants to put the fight on hold, have a normal conversation about regular stuff, I'm here and if he wants to leave me, he can go but I'm done with this.

[Scarletlavender]

I’m so sorry. I really am.  Not the fake kind of sympathy that we hear from our partners. I understand being unable to function after days and days of fighting.
We had one like that 6 weeks ago and it was the closest I ever came to leaving for good.  It was horrible, but he eventually switched back and was able to listen.
Although “those fights” are super traumatic, I’m experiencing the kind of fight right now that is a slow burn of awkward tiptoeing around waiting for it to explode again.  It sucks out all my energy and all my joy not to mention the physical toll of not sleeping, eating junk, and constantly being tense. These types seem to last even longer and on one hand I want to be empathetic to someone I love with a disorder, I just am so resentful that I’M THE ONE who has to make HIM feel better.  Make him feel safe.  Make him feel loved.  It makes my teeth itch because it makes me feel so weak and humiliated.

[JustJillian]

Thank you so much.
I'm sorry for your situation too.
It is so hard not to be able to trust the person who promised to love honor and cherish you.
Walking on eggshells is the worst, kind of like torture. Cuz you just never know when or what will be the thing that sets them off. We actually had a fight last week because I told him something he said hurt my feelings. Friday it was because my blood pressure was high and my face was red, so I must be mad or grumpy. Seriously?
I hope it gets better than this. I hope the counselor can give me some strategies to help me better deal with all this.
Have you gotten any help and if so did it may any difference?

[I Am Redeemed]

Sorry to jump on this existing thread - but I thought maybe I’d get some urgent support just joining in...
My husband was recently diagnosed with BPD and is in therapy - but it has been over 25 years struggling with this without knowing. I’m incredibly proud of him for getting into treatment, but it has not seemed to get that much better after 3 months.  He’s had a boardeRAGE incident every 6 days for the past 3 weeks and yesterday he hit me.  Not the first time. I feel really lost and alone and angry and depressed and hopeless.  I know he’s fragile, but there’s a big part of me that feels like he never has consequences for his actions because he can always blame BPD and it’s “not him.” If I threaten to leave, he’ll either hurt me or himself and I don’t want to leave him (so I don’t want to lie).
First post - need advice

BPD is not an excuse for physically abusing you (I know you probably know that). If he is using his disorder to escape accountability for harming you, that is a huge red flag.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this, and you, too, JustJillian. I was in a marriage to a man with undiagnosed BPD for seven years and it was abusive in every sense of the word.

Scarletlavender, you mention a few issues you have regarding your safety plan, such as having to explain the bruises and your fear that your h will harm himself if you leave.

First of all, you did not put the bruises there. He is the one who "added to the drama the BPD already caused" by physically hurting you. If you are covering up for his behavior, keeping it a secret, or otherwise hesitant to implement a safety plan because it will involve exposing his actions, then you are in effect saving him from the consequences of his behavior. He will never be accountable on his own.

Second of all, threatening to commit suicide if a partner leaves is an example of emotional blackmail, and it is a common tactic used by abusers. You do not have to put your own safety behind his.

Does his therapist know about his violence towards you? This is not something that is going to get better by itself, and do not expect your h to be honest with his T about the violence.

Here is a link to the MOSAIC assessment. It's a tool that will help you evaluate the level of risk to yourself in this relationship. If you have time, could you possibly take a look at it?

Mosaic Assessment

Another tool to use to assess the risk in the relationship is the Duluth Model, better known as the Power and Control Wheel:

Duluth Model

Have you ever considered calling the police when he gets violent?