How do I help my BPD, DH end a splitting episode

[JustJillian]

I am new here and just learned about my hubby having this issue recently. We have been married for 9 years and it was great for the first five years. It has gone from there to hell, gradually getting worse and is escalating very fast. We can't go three days in between a fight. I have been searching for everything I can to find answers. I just made an appointment with a therapist for myself, because I need help dealing with this. He has gotten violent with me several times and last night I had to run into the bedroom and lock myself in, as he was chasing me. He is insisting that I admit that I said something I never said. He is severely, extremely uncomfortable with me being around any man and my job just sent a guy to work with me. This resulted in him texting me at work all day for the last week, literally hundreds of word long text messages. Then calling me the minute I should be walking out of the door at work, screaming at me that my responses to his text messages didn't satisfy him and so I must be ignoring him or I'm wanting to be with this guy, etc. Friday morning he woke up happy (hyper), cleaned the house and I knew it was going to be another round. It always is when he gets like that. In a matter of one day, he has gone from one imagined offence to another, finally, he lists off in ten different text messages that are several hundred words long, everything he has ever made up or insisted I did wrong, in bullet points.
I just need it to stop.
It is costing me my health. I have a heart condition and adrenal fatigue, panic attacks and can not get any rest from this.
I have no family and don't want to involve my friends in this because then he will start attacking them. He is already attacking my sister because the last fight we had on thanksgiving, he sent her a text message telling her we were breaking up because of my attitudes. Now he feels stupid and is saying I'm telling her all of our business and trying to cut her out of my life too.
I don't know what to do or say to get him to back off.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarletlavender]

Really sorry to hear what you’re going through.  I’m at the beginning of my husband’s diagnosis too, so I don’t have very informed advice to give, but I wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone.
When my husband did something similar (jealous about my time) I said, “I can understand the feeling of being ignored or anxious and I know it’s really frustrating and scary.  Is that how you’re feeling? It’s also really frustrating and scary and stressful for me when the explanations I give don’t seem to satisfy you.”
Problem is... I KNOW what you’re thinking... that’ll make it worse.  I tried yesterday and got hit.  But today it seems like he’s thinking about it more calmly and I’m hopeful it will sink in next time.

[JustJillian]

Thank you for your encouragement and suggestions. The first time I tried that, he actually told me I was condescending and patronizing him. I have not tried it again. . M
aybe the second time, if I hold my mouth just right.

[Scarletlavender]

Yeah... mine said the same thing a few times too.  It just makes me so resentful that I can’t express honest feelings yet because he has the BPD diagnosis, he gets to behave any way that’s real or imagined and there isn’t any consequences.  It feels like being silenced all the time.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi JustJillian,

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. I was married for seven years to a man with undiagnosed BPD that was violent with me and extremely jealous. Many of the things you describe sound like what he would do to me, listing off all real or imagined offenses, relentless texting and calling, demands on my time, etc.

It's really good you are going to see a therapist. You absolutely need some real life support for this situation.

As for what you can say or do to get him to back off... there is probably not anything that is going to stop his behavior. He would need to seriously commit to treatment and honestly face the issues he is having and then implement the treatment plan in order to see lasting behavioral change.

You may have seen this in scarletlavender's thread, as I noticed you posting there, too, but I will link these again:

Duluth Model

Mosaic Assessment

Additionally, for both of you (JustJillian and Scarletlavender) you can call or chat anonymously with a trained advocate at www.thehotline.org

Not everyone with BPD is physically abusive, and not all abusers have a personality disorder. These are two separate issues that, when combined, can seriously compromise the relationship and your safety.

Another couple of good resources I suggest are the books "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" and "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft, a renowned expert on abusive men who worked with domestic violence offenders for many years.

How would you feel about calling the police the next time he physically intimidates you?