Wife got a diagnosis, but it’s not a good one

[RestlessWanderer]

Not too long ago I posted about what my my uBPDw thought might be breast cancer. It seems she got a diagnosis yesterday, but she doesn’t want to tell me what it is because I “don’t care anyway.” All she would say was that she has tumors than aren’t benign and could end up attacking her lungs. She also said that she isn’t going to do anything about it.

I know that there’s nothing that I can do to change her mind and nothing I can do to convince her I do care. I feel that I’m still showing her kindness and demonstrating acts of love. When she recently crossed my boundaries and I finally stood up against her, she perceived vindictiveness.

I can only continue down this path and take care of myself. I will continue to do what I feel is right, but I’m afraid that she will only grow more negative. She has had so many things go wrong in her life she chooses to see that as what defines her rather than work to find happiness.

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[Rev]

My friend...

I'm so sorry to hear of this news for you. I just wanted you to know that I have read this and wanted to take a moment to reach out and say I heard you.

Know that I am going to hold this story in my heart for a while and think about you in your grief.  It's what I can do, but as the saying goes - we should still do the little thing that we can do.

Peace to you in whatever way you can find it.

Rev

[Cat Familiar]

You’re dealing with what sounds like a very depressed woman. 

Perhaps this is even more of her issue than a personality disorder. Is she taking any antidepressants?

Though she has a lot of things to grieve, she still has a young son, but perhaps that’s not enough motivation for her to seek treatment.

I’m wondering if treating the depression might be a good first step.

[RestlessWanderer]

Thanks Rev and Cat

I agree with you about the depression. She spends much of her time locked in the bedroom (which she hasn’t cleaned in months and blames me for too). Thankfully when she does come out to see our son she puts on a convincing mask, unless she is directing some comments to me.

She has said that she won’t take any antidepressants, citing the common excuse of not wanting to be a zombie. And considering how she is intentionally avoiding doctors I don’t see that happening.

I wish she felt compelled to take care of herself better.

[formflier]

 

There is a tricky thing here.

She doesn't believe you want to "hear" the news, while you actually do.  So you if you "prove" to her that you want to hear it, that will invalidate her.

Yet...you do actually want to be supportive of her, you don't want to validate her invalid idea that you don't care.

Perhaps asking if you can help with rides to doctor?  Let her nasty response roll off..don't engage.

"This is difficult, what is the next step."?

None of this seems good to me, yet you want the door to stay open to communication.

Thoughts?  What do you think it is? 

Is she usually accurate with what she tells you?

Best,

FF

[Waddams]

Different take - she's using her medical condition to manufacture another way to demonize you. It's the painting you black in her mind that is her chief goal. Nothing else.

I have to ask, even with her being sick, why stay with someone that hates you? Even with her being sick, a justified and fair question back to her is "if I'm so awful, why are you here? if I'm so awful, then just leave."

You don't have to tolerate what she's doing, even if she is sick. Nothing justifies how she treats you, and more to the point, nothing justifies you having to tolerate and just continue to be abused like this.

[RestlessWanderer]

FF, this is a tricky one for sure. On one hand she wants to feel cared for. On the other hand, she believes I don’t care.
Regarding offering to take her to appointment, this probably won’t happen because I believe she really doesn’t want to receive treatment. I think she is depressed and in a way is looking for a passive way out. She’s expressed suicidal thoughts but has also recognized that suicide may void life insurance benefits.
It’s hard to know how accurate she is with things like this. She has been deliberate in keeping her medical things private (contradicting her claims that I don’t care because I don’t help). She doesn’t have a track record of inventing things of this scale purely for attention. So, I’m inclined to take this seriously.
She also has stated that she was scarred as a child by seeing how chemo deteriorated one of her only good role models when she was a kid. She says she doesn’t want the wasted away body to be a lasting image for our son (I would argue that not trying to fight could be equally scarring, if not more so).
Needless to say I’m just going to try to keep doing my best.

[Rev]

Needless to say I’m just going to try to keep doing my best.

In the end, regardless of the uBPD, this is a very stressful situation during "normal" conditions. Throw in the pandemic, and it ratchets up.

You are likely in anticipatory grief - brought on by a myriad of things.

Doing your "best" is actually the best thing to do, because in situations like this, there are no "right" answers, only honest ones.  And it takes time to get there.

A research paper I did on this topic shows that for family care givers, learning to live in the day by day, learning to regulate emotional reactions to better respond is the best way to go.  A.C.T. therapy has been know to be helpful.

Hope this helps.

Rev

[RestlessWanderer]

Rev, I’m not sure how much anticipatory grief I’m feeling now. I’ve had a couple waves of sadness hit me, but most of what I feel is frustration over the ease she shows to reacting with negativity over the smallest things: things like me not pressing the right button on the remote or asking her where she wanted some shelves put up. She’s even implied that I’ve caused her the stress that weakened her body so much that she developed whatever this is she’s dealing with. I’m probably just so overwhelmed with the “now” emotions that I haven’t had any room for the grief, not to mention the existing grief over the loss of our son just over a year ago.

Thank god for this forum, my friends/family, and my therapist. Without all of this support I’d surely be overwhelmed.

[Rev]

I’m probably just so overwhelmed with the “now” emotions that I haven’t had any room for the grief, not to mention the existing grief over the loss of our son just over a year ago.

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

That's more than tough.  You are an exceptional man. You must be, if you are able to reach out for help and able to keep on keeping on.

I tip my hat to you... and then some.

Rev

[Cat Familiar]

Support is really helpful, but I want to commend you, RestlessWanderer for your honesty, your perseverance, and your willingness to look at your part in the relationship, and for taking steps to better your life, your son’s life, and your wife’s, whether or not she is open to seeing that. 

[RestlessWanderer]

Thanks Rev and Cat. That helps more than you know