Calling a spade a spade

[20yearsHRS]

Good Morning,

I do not post much here but I've got to know.  Has anyone ever called their BPD daughter or son's place of employment to find out the truth?  My BPDd claims she told her place of employment she could not work during finals and that they understood.  Now she says one manager is calling her telling her she is no longer needed because she did not call in this morning though she claims she told them she could not work this week because of her college finals and completing her classes.  Logic tells me something else is going on and I would really love to have the truth to call a spade a spade. 

Thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Good morning!

How old is your daughter, and is she financially dependent on you?

Myself I would not do it.  I expect that she will feel that it is interference in her personal life, and she may hold this against you for a long long time.  If she is old enough to have a job she is old enough to manage it.

If she says she is upset over this you can try some validation, and steer her towards solving her problem.  Stepping in, trying to solve our BPD's problems for them is very invalidating.  Let her solve it by either trying to work it out with them or finding another job.

It's hard to stop parenting when our BPDs become adults but it is something we have to do.

I would let go of worrying about whether or not she is lying to you, it doesn't matter if she has to solve her own problem.

Just my thoughts.

R

[formflier]

Well...what would you do "with the truth"?

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

I spent my career in Human Resources. I doubt seriously if a manager from any company of any size (or small group with franchise or corporate oversight) would discuss an employee's status with anyone other than the employee.

[20yearsHRS]

She's 18 and at present going to college and living at home during her extended winter break.  She will go back in mid January.  Trying to provide the selective support to make her a productive citizen.  Get her out working etc..  I know you are probably right but part of me feels if I just had solid evidence to bring before her, I could show her the errors in her ways.  Knowing that a  BPD individual does not think this way probably makes this all a moot point.  

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
 1. As was stated, since she is an adult, HR can't legally give you that info.
2. Trying to show her the error of her ways will not go well and will not get you what you want. At best, the lying will slide into other lies.  At worst you will get a violent outburst.  Or ( I'm sorry for this) she could answer like my son " So what  It's none of your business!"     This happened when his supervisor left a voice mail for me asking where my son was ,since he was not at work.  

[beatricex]

hi 20yearsHRS,
My mom is BPD'd and doesn't work.  She has had a few jobs, but mostly can't follow rules (or thinks rules don't apply to her, cause she's special).

My BPD'd step daughter does work, she sells makeup.  I'm not sure how that's going, she's more like an independent consultant.  She also was doing eyebrows from home for awhile, but it blew up when someone demanded their money back and threatened to report her (in this state, that legally must be done from a salon).  With the corona virus, i'm sure a lot of her makeup business has gone south since people cancelled weddings, and that was her primary source of income, doing wedding makeup.

Honestly I'm scared to ask.

In my experience BPD'd people have trouble keeping jobs, unless they're independent and somewhat solo, like my step daughter. 

Perhaps a convo about how she should persue a career intersest where she doesn't report to a manager is in her best interest?  just thinking outside the box a little.

b

[20yearsHRS]

Well I've tried to dissuade her from the military but that keeps coming up.   

[beatricex]

oh boy, that is like the ultimate in micromanagement/managers...hmmm, well it would cement it, i'm sure that she actually is BPD'd