New to this, but I suppose not

[Emma West]

So I’m new to the idea that my daughter has BPD, but it’s almost a relief as well as a crushing blow. Yesterday I was sent this wonderful article/guide from someone I know who has a close friend with BPD
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm. It was the first time that I actually felt some sense of sanity and an idea of what I was supposed to be doing! We have had Dr’s telling us she has epilepsy, that’s it’s psychological, and also that’s there is nothing wrong with her.  I don’t know if the medical professionals really ever understand what kind of turmoil they put families through when they bandy about all different sort of prognosis. We still really never had a clear picture from anyone. She knew that she had changed and she kept pleading me for help. She has lashed out at me in very uncharacteristic ways and until reading about this disorder I didn’t understand.  Her therapist doesn’t like ‘labels’ and my daughter actually asked her about this one about 8 months ago, but I hadn’t really processed it or paid attention I think. I asked the therapist about it again when her close friend talked to me last week and I did some reading. So I was asking the therapist if she thought my daughter had BPD.  The answer I got was something along the lines of... that she didn’t see the need or like labels (I’m not sure if I’m getting it exactly correct but it was long those line anyway) and the treatment is the same as what we were already doing (therapy), there aren’t any medications for it, there is a huge stigma for labels like that.  When I pushed the issue asking but if that’s what she has doesn’t it help to treat it if we know? She said ok, if it helps you to think or know that she has it to respond in the ways that help people with BPD then you can respond to her behaviors as if she does.  I was then like... what? Oh I should say that I had only read the Wikipedia thing on BPD like 20 minutes before my appointment. 

Since that time I have taken some more time to re read that Wikipedia, and I spoke to two close friends who I trust and who have known my daughter for some time it seems more and more clear to me that this is exactly what we have been dealing with.  The dr was right, even the Wikipedia page explained what a huge negative social stigma there is against people with BPD, so need to be careful not to speak to the wrong people.  Anyway one of the two friends sent me the other link that had the ways to help someone and that made things a bit more clear as well.

     I’ve never taken part in a group like this so I’m not really sure how to go about all of this. I’m just sort of lost right now.  Looking for advice on how to reconnect when things have broken down. Kind of going along with the undertones of the therapist and some of my further readings I don’t think she would be one of the ones who would benefit at this time from knowing that she has BPD.  Maybe later in time she could deal better with that, but not now.  So that’s sort of where things are at, new to ALL of this and wanting some advice on how to best rebuild.

Thank you in advance

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome!
 Most psychs stay away from diagnosing a minor child as BPD due to all the brain growth/ hormonal changes that take place during that time.    My son had many diagnoses during his teens.  BPD diagnosis wasn't added until in his 20's. 
You are doing great by coming here!  Take a look around.  There is also a library of suggested readings such as " Stop walking on Eggshells".  Read up all you can on BPD.
It is also important to remember we are as important as our BPD child.    You can click onto names here to get previous posts/ more of a person's back stories. 
In addition to here, some of us add to our personal help networks by going 12 step program meetings such as Co dependents anonymous as they teach detachment.  It is so easy for us to get caught up in the BPD tornado otherwise.
Please write as much as you need to.
 

[candycorn]

My wife and I are just now understanding that everything our son has been doing to mistreat us for the past three and a half years since he moved back in us probably is due to BPD.  We had never heard of BPD until less than a month ago.  Now so many things make sense.  Our son in 35 years old.  Hearing what you say in this thread about your sons and daughters sounds so much like our case.  We receive so much verbal abuse.  We hear so many accusations.  This "tornado" has been destroying our home.  We feel pushed into a corner and have not known what to do.

As we plan to move anyway within a few years we have put our house up for sale.  Our son has refused to work and refused to move out even when we said we would pay his rent.  So we'll sell the house, move to an apartment and let him fend for himself.  It seems like we are being cruel.  But for my wife and I it has become a matter of survival.

It is all so frustrating and so sad.  And since our son refuses to talk with anyone or seek help from anyone there seem to be no answers.

L & C

[zanne]

Hello to you and your wife! I've been thinking about whether you were able to sell your home and if your plans to move have come to fruition.
I'm interested in how your lives are going if you have managed to get to a better physical/mental place in your journey as parents to a BPD son.
My daughter is 34 and has just come back into my life following a divorce. She is just not the same person that she was when she went off to college 15 years ago.
She screams obscenities and rages about my having been a poor mother and reports having a terrible childhood. Not the past that I recall by any means! She's always in a dark place, where the world is out to get her. Then the switch flips and she is back to the girl I raised...
There's so much more, but I wondered about you folks and how you are faring...