First post / my experience

[fltmchz]

Hi. This is my first post, but this website has been really helpful to me in dealing with my wife, who displays a lot of the characteristics of someone with BPD. Most importantly, I've learned to stop trying to win circular arguments and just let them go. I used to spend hours or days feeling confused and shell-shocked after defending myself against any number of accusations, finally giving up and apologizing just to stop arguing, then being punished indefinitely for whatever it is I apologized for. Not only has this behavior killed my self-esteem, but I have to live with comments like "remember when you did XYZ over the summer?"... My wife loves to re-hash old arguments and hold perceived transgressions against me.

However, now I can sort of spot a big argument when it's coming. Sometimes it builds for days, sometimes for hours, but I'm usually ready when it happens and can react accordingly. I have a lot of work to do to rebuild my confidence and self esteem, and I need to figure out how to stop living in fear of my wife's reaction to everything I say or do.

One thing I've noticed since I've stopped engaging in ragers is the day to day, low-level argument bait traps, little passive aggressive comments and criticisms happen more frequently. These, when coupled with my already battered self esteem, are my biggest challenge.

Anyway, sorry for the long and rambling post. I felt good to put it all out there. Thanks.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm glad what you have been reading here has helped you.  Very wise to resist trying to "win" arguments with a pwBPD!

I'm curious about a couple things.  What led you to stop reading and start posting?  Very glad  you have.

What articles on BPDfamily were most helpful to you sorting out your stance on "winning arguments"?

I'll check back soon.

Best,

FF

[fltmchz]

FF - Thanks for responding! I started posting for a couple of reasons. I discovered this site a while ago (I can't remember exactly when) and would come here occasionally, but it wasn't a "go to" option when I was reeling from an argument. This year has been rough, though. Without getting into too much, my wife has threatened divorce a couple times over things that were not divorce-worthy (another topic for another day). I don't have much of a support network where I live because we moved across the country to be close to her family, so my friends are "our friends". There aren't a lot of people that I can talk about this stuff with. This summer, when things got really out of control, I called my parents and told them what I was going through, which was totally uncharacteristic of me. They weren't really surprised, but they were (and are) extremely supportive. Just the act of letting someone know what I've been experiencing lifted a huge weight off my back. Now I have people in my corner that I can turn to when the crazy starts.

So I've learned that it's helpful to simply talk with people who have your back about what you're going through. That's the first reason I started posting. Second, when I told my therapist that I think my wife might have BPD, and I found a website/forum that has been tremendously helpful, she strongly encouraged me to participate.

The things on the site that have been the most helpful are the message boards and the workshop posts (not sure exactly what they're called; they're numbered like chapters). I had no idea what was going on with my wife until I came here! I just couldn't comprehend  the rage out of nowhere, the Jedi mind tricks to get me yelling so she could say that I have the anger problem, the circular arguments, the lack of grey area in her mind... It was all so eye opening! I had been resigned to a life of misery until the kids got older, but I've developed some hope that it doesn't have to be that way..