I messed up. Not sure how to handle it from here.

[Resiliant]

Okay, after everything I have learned so far I tripped and fell and forgot not to JADE.  I sent my son a text that was major trigger and so now he's off the rails again.

Crap!  He was doing so well.   I think that is why I let my guard down.  When he is doing well I sometimes want to live in this fantasy world that the trouble is over, but it never is.
 
It doesn't help that Christmas is coming and he is also triggered by all of the commercials about warm loving families that he doesn't think he has.

So what happened is that while we were conversing by text, in one of my texts to him said "I don't want to defend X (his stepfather) but I wish you knew the X that I know.

Not sure if I used the word but, however if I did then I realize that it completely negates the first part of the sentence.

Either way, that one sentence was a major trigger to my son.

Now I am getting long strings of texts about how his stepfather ruined his life and how his stepfather is on a pedestal while he is treated like dirt.

At this point I don't know what to say next and how to respond.

All I really care about is his mental health.

From what I can see, I have these options:

1.  Do nothing - knowing that ignoring the conversation is completely invalidating.
2.  Engage and risk either JADEing again or risk validating the invalid. 

I know there are many people on this site who have much more experience and wisdom than I.   Hopefully you can shed some light for me.

At this point all I am doing is praying for wisdom and praying for peace in my son's heart.

I'm at a loss with this one...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

hi Resiliant,
I am a little confused, is X (I thought "Bob" in my mind), is Bob your current husband?  Why would you not want to defend him?

Are you saying this is like jumping onto the Karpman triangle?  Or are you saying, you have to tiptoe around the topic of your husband with your son?



b

[Resiliant]

Thanks B!

Ha - you read my mind.   I was actually going to put right in my post that I didn't want to "Jump on the Karpman Drama Triangle".   Funny that we both looked at it with the word "Jump"!     We have been all over that thing.  Now that I understand BPD I am working really hard not to.

And you are absolutely right.  I not only tiptoe around the topic of "Bob" with my son but also the other way around.  I also tiptoe around the topic of my son with "Bob".

Boy I could write a book here, it's hard to keep things short.   Bob and I have a wonderful relationship otherwise and this is the only thing that ever comes between us.   I could say the same for son.    I love them both, and I understand where each one is coming from.

You asked why I would not want to defend my husband.   Yes, I do but some things are not "defendable".   He is a good person, and he has made mistakes like all good people do.  Some of those mistakes came from good intentions (while riding the Karpman Drama Triangle).   Even though they came from good intentions they were misguided intentions and extremely devastatingly hurtful and harmful to my son who has only ever been diagnosed with ADHD, but checks all the boxes for Aspergers and BPD - like his father.  He is a sensitive soul and has been through a world of hurt and rejection dealing with this and growing up with a BPD father and a stepfather who cannot understand.

Okay - as I said I could write a book.  Time to stop and just hit send...

Thanks for your response, much appreciated!

[Lollypop]

Hi Beatricex

I do what I call re-do’s.

In my early days I used to do them quite a lot when I felt I got things wrong or that I could have done better. I found them useful to make sure my interactions improved. The benefit is also that my DS knows I’ve been reflecting and trying to improve communication and prevent misunderstandings.

It’d go something like this:

“You know we talked the other day about...
well, I’ve been thinking about that and what I said.
I think that I got it wrong. (Or “I could have said it a lot better”...”I didn’t make myself clear”)
What I should have said is ...”

Try not to worry too much about one or two incidents. This is a long journey. Even after all these years, I still fall into JADE but at least I’m aware of it when I’m doing it. Why oh why I can’t zip it? 

Re-do’s saved me a couple of times!

LP
LP

[Lollypop]

Sorry Reliance, I got your name wrong!  Many apologies. The abode reply was for you.

 
LP

[Resiliant]

Hey thanks!     And - my name isn't Reliance either LOL!    I appreciate your comments and great input.
My name is Resiliant - don't judge me because I can't even spell my own name.   What can I say...