when close friends just dont get it

[stargazer95]

Hi friends,

First of all, I am once again feeling ever so grateful to have this space. I recently moved back to my home state. My mom is here(though I still havent visited her, it is in the works). But I also have many friends whom I deeply care for but they knew the old me, the pre-therapy me who was a loyal subject to her mother and the mother was adored and loved by all thanks to her high functioning bpd. 

Now I find myself making a case before "judges" I begin sharing memories but deep down I dont want to. Some are very personal. And then their response is "oh yea your mom has been through a lot" it hits me hard in the chest. I am longing for their understanding but also am aware that they wont ever fully "get it".. Many have loving family relationships so what I went through is unfathomable.

At the same time, I am practicing holding on to some memories that remind me horrible things did happens so I dont swing back to my mother's insane narrative that she is the hero of my life and I am nothing without her. I feel so much like Alice in the wonderland. I am done with that strange world with unreaasonable rules and I am certainly done with my queen mother whose first response to anything displeasing is "Off with their heads!"

Help me please. Have anyone else experienced this? It is so isolating to not feel understood. How do you deal with it?

Once again, grateful for you all

[missing NC]

Hi Stargazer,

Dr Ramana, a psychologist specializing in personality disorders with a large Youtube following did a video on this phenomenon recently that made me feel slightly better. I really struggle with the disenfranchised grief of trying to talk about a form of trauma most people simply cannot understand.  I've found it's better to limit how much and how often I address it with those who cannot, by virtue of their more pasts, "get it."  There are not many, but there are support groups for those dealing cluster Bs.  It feels better to me to converse with folks who have an inkling of what I have experienced. 

[beatricex]

hi stargazer,
Make some new friends.  You can keep the old, but don't have to bring up alien topics with them.

www.nami.org/

Check out NAMI for the new friends.  I went to my first virtual meeting last night and it was Wonderful.  I was able to connect to some people who get it, and one, a woman in her 30's is struggling with her mentally ill Mom.  Since I currently am not speaking to my step daughter (and my Mom is also mentally ill), it felt so good to give her some validation.  Wish i knew someone like me when i was that age...

 
b

[Notwendy]

One reason it's difficult for others to understand is the nature of BPD which affects the most intimate of relationships the most. It is possible your mother can hold it together well with people who are not as close to her as you are, so they don't see the situation like you do.

My mother is quite charming and pleasant with people who are not in her immediate family. So her friends and extended family think she's wondeful and really have no clue how she behaves with her immediate family.

For me, I have also learned that sharing my own experience is best done in a confidential and supportive situation: with a sibling, on this board, with a therapist or 12 step group. I think it's important to have support from people who "get it" and not be disappointed if others don't.

I also don't think it's good to discuss my mother with people in her circle. It would put them in a difficult situation. They don't want to have to choose what to believe. If she's great with them and they like her, then that is their relationship.