Christmas came early, but that’s not a good thing

[RestlessWanderer]

I’m venting here today.

Last night around 3am my wife and I were in bed. I wasn’t sleeping well and I noticed she was looking at something on her phone. When I asked, she was looking into saving some receipts online for their warranty plans. She asked if I had registered the items. I told her that there is no registration. This set her off because the cashier apparently told her she had 24 hrs to do it. Several weeks ago she had asked me to do it so I read through all the paperwork she handed me. Not a single word about registration. That wasn’t what she wanted to hear. This brought out every complaint she’s against me. I was tired and irritated that she didn’t accept my explanation so I argued the point a little. Once she started in with the insults I left the room. She kept going for some time after I left. Then she decided to toss all of the gifts she bought me for Christmas at my feet.

So, I got my Christmas gifts early this year. I’m not going to do the same. I will still give her hers on Christmas.

Just needed to get that out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

I'm so sorry this happened.

What does your "extra" self care routine look like for the next day or two?

Based on this incident, how will you approach these types of situations in the future?

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

I’m backed into another corner. I agreed to take my mom to pick up her car from the mechanic tomorrow. However my wife was expecting me to go with her to a funeral tomorrow morning. Helping my mom always upsets her because she feels I do more for my mom than her. That’s mainly because she chooses to focus on the things I haven’t done rather than what I have. “What have you done for me lately?”

Right now I don’t want to spend a day with her, considering our fight last night and the ceaseless blame and anger she’s been directing towards me since then. But then again, not going will prolong this attitude. Going with her to the funeral has a slight chance of improving things, but I don’t know how much.

As far as doing something for myself, not going to a funeral would be a good start.

I don’t know how to handle situations like last night. I told her why I didn’t do what she asked me. Basically as far as I could tell, she was wrong about what she asked me to do. By telling her that she was wrong I invalidated her. Lose lose.

[RestlessWanderer]

RW the alarm clock didn’t wake up RWw again, so she missed the funeral. I don’t accept the blame, but she’s placing it anyway.

I’m taking my mom and having a better day because of it.

[formflier]

Can you share some he said she said of how the conversation went about placing blame?

It appears to me that you are getting the big picture right...not your responsibility...not yours to take blame.

Probably wise to see how things are coming across in small details...and perhaps make sure there is a consistent message that she may be able to "hear".

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

I walked into the bedroom after getting ready (I showered and dressed in the trailer). She was in the bathroom and said something along the lines of “Why didn’t you wake me up? You do it on purpose.”
I didn’t bother responding. It would have been inflammatory had I placed the responsibility on her. So, at least within my own head I’m not accepting her blame, nor am I verbalizing it.

I should add that there was no implicit nor explicit request to wake her up.

[formflier]

Hmmm...so you were silent?  Completely silent?

How long have you been using that tool/strategy?  What did you use before?  Any difference in reaction that you can see?

Just for consideration.

"Oh my babe.  I'm sorry your plans got messed up." (hopefully said in an empathetic tone)

Now...think about that for a bit and ask yourself.

Is it an honest answer?  Does it invalidate her?

More or less helpful than silence?  Then try to understand why?  (you know her best)

Also consider

"Oh my babe, I'm at a loss for words."  (compare this to silence)


Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

Maybe I’m jaded, but I predict that should I offer an empathetic response she would likely reply by saying something like “whatever, you don’t care about me. You only care about your mom and yourself.”

In the past I’m usually either silent or deny the responsibility of walking her up and/or deny the implication that I do it on purpose. Silence usually allows it to burn out faster.

Taking the empathic route would certainly be honest. I don’t think it would be invalidating. But I think it would likely lead to a statement claiming I don’t care.

I can’t think of a scenario in which I offer an empathetic response or even saying I’m at a loss for words that wouldn’t lead to her adding more negative responses/assessments about me, especially since she’s in a negative headspace.

Now that I got home she asked why I had to go today. I replied that my mom didn’t want the car sitting there until Monday. All she heard was me doing something that my mom wanted. Later I noted that she was playing legos and I asked “are you stocked in to the lego world?” Her response was “there’s nothing else to do.” She seems to want to wallow in misery and negativity.

[formflier]

Taking the empathic route would certainly be honest. I don’t think it would be invalidating. But I think it would likely lead to a statement claiming I don’t care.

I can’t think of a scenario in which I offer an empathetic response or even saying I’m at a loss for words that wouldn’t lead to her adding more negative responses/assessments about me, especially since she’s in a negative headspace.
 

Do we teach people here to base their actions on what a disordered person does in response, especially immediate response.

Think about this for a second.

Why do we advise you do to certain things and not do certain things (hint:stay out of the weeds..think big picture)

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Now that I got home she asked why I had to go today. I replied that my mom didn’t want the car sitting there until Monday.

Did she really want the details? 

or

Was she looking for ammunition?

Based on the answer, what would you do differently if this comes up again?

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

Do we teach people here to base their actions on what a disordered person does in response, especially immediate response.

Think about this for a second.

Why do we advise you do to certain things and not do certain things (hint:stay out of the weeds..think big picture)

I’m afraid that the negativity the last few days has had an impact on my thinking. Rather than think big picture I reacted to the moment (and current climate) and the futility I felt about anything I could say (at least anything that I could think of). I feel like I’ve been knocked back onto my heels again given the nature of the arguments.

Did she really want the details? 

or

Was she looking for ammunition?

Based on the answer, what would you do differently if this comes up again?

I can see now that she was looking for ammunition.
Again, considering I feel knocked back on my heels I’m having a hard time thinking of a better way to respond.

[formflier]

Yep...been there done that.  Did a bit of that today myself (see my thread about being condemned)

All that being said, it's important to do an "after action" and realize what went well and perhaps what you want to do better next time.

Work on some pre-planned things/phrases.

Learn to have some "spidey senses" when she is asking "why" questions.  Don't refuse her, yet "slightly deflect". 

blah blah blah.why today..blah blah blah?

"Oh babe...that's a good question, I'll give it some thought." pause/pivot "hey..I picked up some delicious berries, want to share some with me?"

Then enjoy berries.  She may not...or she may. 

That's not the point.  The point is she is reacting to your positivism, your "emotional health", vice you reacting to her moods.

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

After reading your post and how your day went I’m even more appreciative of you helping me.

I actually did try to deflect some and inquire about something that she has been working on (the legos). I suppose she wasn’t feeling up to changing her mood, which is ok. Unfortunately I had already revived her negativity by giving her an answer she didn’t want to hear.

I’ll work on clearing my head as I engage with her as well as shine some positivity in her direction.

[formflier]

  Unfortunately I had already revived her negativity by giving her an answer she didn’t want to hear.

Or were just just passing by and she handed you something she already had, regardless of what you said?

Which is more likely?  (I totally get it we'll never know for sure...the question is..likely..not for sure)

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

So many of us here accept far more responsibility for our partner’s moods than is warranted.

If you are a sensitive person, and I’m sure you are RW, it feels painful to see our partner in distress and it’s easy to assume blame for something that is completely theirs to own, and not ours.

In my previous marriage, I bought into the “You made me _______” thinking, even to the point of physical violence. (As if some comment I made was directly responsible for him hitting me.)

Since then, I’ve had to try and “harden my heart.” By that I mean, I refuse to get down in the weeds with my husband when he’s moping around and feeling sorry for himself. I will ask how he’s feeling, but when it occurs to me that he wants me to support him by becoming upset or depressed too, I won’t do it.

I’ll retain my upbeat mood, difficult as it may be, being around someone who is only looking at the negative. And if it becomes too difficult, I’ll excuse myself and do something I enjoy. After all, it serves no one to allow ourselves to be brought down by someone else’s doom and gloom.

I suspect that you do this too, RW. The sad thing is that we cannot always model healthy behavior for our partners and expect that they will want to join us.

[RestlessWanderer]

FF, that’s a fair point. Given that I don’t accept responsibility for her mood, that also means that I didn’t say anything to bring it out either. Rather my words were the breeze that whisked away the dust covering what was there all along.

Cat, you nailed it regarding my sensitivity. Having worked in healthcare for nearly 20 years I have been attuned to people’s moods and sometimes unload some of their pain and suffering. This is an asset in that industry as it opens the door to trust with my patients. It’s also the reason I chose the specific sector, athletes and now ergonomics. In school I took an EMT basic course. My instructor urged me to follow that path, but I knew I couldn’t handle a career where every day at work I would help people through their worst day. Having taken the path I did, I help people avoid having to suffer and occasionally I help put an end to pain and discomfort before it becomes a bigger problem.

I keep in the front of my mind that I do not cause the problems my w perceived. But sometimes the desire to help leads me to unintentionally pick up some of her baggage. Coming here helps me to unload it and help me return to my center.

[formflier]

I suspect that you do this too, RW. The sad thing is that we cannot always model healthy behavior for our partners and expect that they will want to join us.

Perhaps take a peek at what I did this afternoon as "offering support" or "opening the door to support", but not getting down in the weeds.

She has been on a tear about something the last few days.  I suspect the "source" or "trigger" is some catty teacher vs teacher stuff. (plus BPD lens on that)

Anyway, my wife it touching up her hair in the bathroom and I decided to hang around and see if she wanted to chat.  Not really.

So as she finishes up and is about to pass me by and said "I'm a turning point.  I'm either going to go organize shelves in the garage or give you a massage (also usually code for sex)...over to you?"

It was interesting to watch the internal struggle.  She finally...kinda reluctantly picked a massage..

Here is the thing...I already had it sorted out in my mind that I was cool working in the garage as well (just got another car at auction...and need to organize before I get it in there)

Anyway...offer help (from time to time) and don't let their reaction affect your life.

You've got this...keep up the press.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Having taken the path I did, I help people avoid having to suffer and occasionally I help put an end to pain and discomfort before it becomes a bigger problem.

 

I wish I had know this earlier!  Perfect model.

You show your patients methods and techniques so they can get better.  Right?

And...if they don't change their ways?  Ignore your suggestions?  

Are you mean to them or do you encourage and believe in them?

Granted...none of us like to "take our work home", but I suspect you can look to this well and draw out some skills to improve your home life.

Best,

FF