Struggling, would like opinions

[Carguy]

Hey everybody!

So I'm kind of struggling today. Last night I found out my ex is seeing someone else. She went from telling me a week and a half ago that she love me and a little over two weeks ago telling me I'm the love of her life and she wants to marry me to breaking up with me and dating someone else.

She went from saying we needed a break and that she still loves and cares about me and how wonderful I am to telling me we are not together and she still loves and cares about me and is there as a friend to telling me I'm just bringing everything up for her again and it's best I stay away.

She also has remained friends with me on Facebook but put me on a restricted list so I can only see a few of her past posts and only some of her pictures. I'm sure she is doing this so I don't see her post with this other guy. I also seen that she deleted a memory she tagged me in a month ago of us together a few years ago and she had commented in the tag that she loved me. At this point part of me wants to just go in and block her. Right now I am just doing nothing. It seems when I react and do stuff like that then I just end up regretting it.  It tends to make things worse. Instead I chose to come on here.

My therapist has advised me to give her space and stay away for awhile. This is what I have been doing. I think this is part of the reason why things have changed so quickly. She feels like I'm not there at all for her now and that makes me the bad person.

In the past when we have broke up she has deleted me as a friend. At one point after I sent her a link through Facebook Messenger she blocked me. That went on for a year and a half. I'm surprised she has chosen to keep the friendship on Facebook but I am not surprised that she has limited what I can view. I would like some opinions on this. Why has she chosen to stay friends? Is it a control thing? Limit what I can see so she feels she is in control (as well as hide what she's  doing)? Stay friends so she can see what I'm up to? She doesn't want to let go completely? Or is there another reason? Maybe she is keeping a connection until she sees for this new relationship is going? I keep expecting her to delete me as a friend all together.

Also what are opinions on limited to no contact and just staying away? My therapist seems to think it is a good idea and like it was pointed out on here it makes me independent instead of codependent. But, does it make matters worse between us? Will it help matters? Will it push her further away?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

The mixes messages are really hard to understand...(I love you..let's be together...I hate you, never see me again).

I'm sorry...hang in there...   

At first glance, your therapist's advice seems really wise.  How long has your relationship been with this T?  Do you feel the T understands you and the situation?  Has the T ever met your pwBPD?

Can you give an outline of your relationship with your pwBPD? 

such as

met x years ago.  y amount of time was great

then off and on for z amount of time

blocked for a amount of time

back together and wonderful for b amount of time.

I think you get the picture.

Trying to get a flavor for the relationship and how many "cycles" of together and apart you have had.

I suppose it would also be helpful to understand if the togethers and aparts are getting "worse" or "better" (or maybe there is no pattern)

Best,

FF

[Carguy]

Hi FF.

So I have been talking with my therapist for about a year-and-a-half now. He hasn't met my pwbpd but has been there through breakups and getting back together. I think he knows the situation pretty well.

So I met her 15 years ago right after my ex-wife and I split up. We dated for a couple of months and she was a really fun girl. I really liked her. After a couple of months she said she wasn't ready and she ended it. We parted as friends.

After losing contact we ran into each other a couple of years later and started talking again and hung out a time or two and it was good. We didn't get back together and lost contact again.

A few more years went by and we ran into each other again. This time she was married and had two small kids. We chatted and lost contact again.

5 years go by and we run into each other again (2015). She was almost through with her divorce and seeing someone but we chatted. A few weeks later she messaged me and said she had broke up with the other guy and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said sure! We started seeing each other and for the first you're in half it was great! I even took her back to Canada to meet my dad and his family. She is only the second girl I've ever taken up there.

Then because of problems with her apartment she and her two kids moved in with me. The first several months were great! We were like a family! Then things slowly started to go downhill. We started having arguments. They became more frequent. She finally broke up with me but we still were living together. We got back together and broke up again a few times while living together. After 8 months she moved out and things were very bad between us. After that we got back together and broke up several times. My ex-wife and I are still close friends and even she pointed out that our Cycles are getting shorter. They went from several months together to a few months to gather to even a few weeks together.

For the longest time I couldn't figure out what was going on. The things she would say and do just did not make sense. But I started talking to my therapist and telling him what was going on he pointed out that he believes she is borderline personality disordered.

I started working on having more understanding and learning how to talk to her but our breakups and recycles we're getting shorter and shorter. Finally last November she ended it and for the first time I started dating somebody else. We ran into her and after that she was extremely cold and angry towards me. She would flip back and forth occasionally but things were the worst they had ever been. She dated other guys and I eventually went no contact for a couple of months. Finally I started talking to her and she was a lot nicer after my no contact.

Things were going great. We got back together in August and we were able to communicate a lot better and talk things out and it seemed a lot more promising. We were together up until a couple of weeks ago.

One night on the phone she started telling me she didn't think she could trust my son. I got defensive. She mentioned that and sad we just better get off the phone and go to bed. The next morning I stopped by her apartment and we talked. I was trying to help her to realize how she can improve her relationships with my son and my ex-wife. She got really upset thinking I was accusing her of not trying. I kept reassuring her I was not doing that. She was shaking and told me I needed to go to work and kept telling me that. I did need to so I left and went to work. That night I was really exhausted from lack of sleep and really in a bad mood. I get off at 5 and she gets off at 6 and I usually just go home. We live 20 miles apart. I didn't text or say anything that night and the next day she was upset because she was shaking when I left and I didn't stop by after to talk to her or text her or let her know what was going on. She told me we needed time apart. She still wanted to spend Thanksgiving together. We spent Thanksgiving together and seem like we were together. Cuddling, cooking together, sex, everything. We were texting each other than hanging out like we were together for the next week and a half. She started pushing me away again and when we talked she was upset again and told me she didn't like that we were acting like we were together when we weren't. I didn't know we weren't together. She was also upset that I didn't push to find out what was going on even though I did. Then was the mixed messages and here we are we are we currently sit. During that week and a half I went in to see her at her work. She works in Walmart Pharmacy. While I was chatting with her some guy went out of his way to walk by and say hi to her and kept walking when he seen me standing there. That weekend we spent together and Sunday she told me he needed to call because he was struggling. This is why I wonder if it is this guy that she is getting involved with now. I found out she was on a date will someone the other night.

Her reason for breaking up with me is she says that she feels I can't be there for her like she needs. I do have to say that our break up this time was a lot better and she wasn't nearly as hostile towards me this time.

[formflier]

So, you mentioned dating someone else?

What are your goals for your "romantic relationship life" (love life or whatever)?

What are your goals with your therapist?  Have those changed over your relationship with your therapist?

What I have learned in therapy is?

The primary thing I have tried to change in my life because of what I have learned in therapy is?

Best,

FF

(OK and FF thread hijack.  This is a stickup!  "Carguy", where does that come from?  I'm a bit of a gearhead and love cars, trucks and all types of vehicles...just bought a retired state police charger at auction to "flip")

[Carguy]

Her dating someone else or when I did a year ago now?

At this point I am not entirely sure what my plans are for this relationship. Right now I am feeling very hurt for sure. Part of me still wants her back and part of me is angry.

My goals have changed with my therapist a few times depending on what is going on in this relationship. When we first started talking he helped me to understand BPD thinking and reactions and such. He started helping me to be able to communicate with her better and better the relationship. When we broke up he would console me and help me understand what was going on and to understand her actions. When we broke up last November and was 8 months apart (the longest we have been apart in 5 years) he would help me to understand some of the occasional things she would do and we started working on my past. My abandonment issues with my mother and rejections of my childhood by the other kids.

The things I have learned in therapy include some of my abandonment issues with my mother and how much they affect me now, he helped me to deal with them a little bit, and I have also learned how to validate and deescalate things between my ex BPD and I. How to communicate with her and make the relationship better. It really has helped. This last round was much better. She had noticed that I was trying too. In the past I would just get upset and start arguing with her. I believe this has affected past relationships for me too. I feel I have learned to have a lot more patience both from this relationship and with talking to my therapist.

I feel it has truly helped change the way I interact. When I was married to my ex-wife she would even tell me that I needed to deal with my issues with my mother and I would just tell her that they didn't affect me. I rarely think about the stuff with my mother. It wasn't until all of this that I truly found out how much it did affect me and how I respond and react to things. It affected who I am in a huge way and learning all of this has helped me to better myself. I told my ex BPD that I am very thankful she came back into my life and that I have learned all these things. I told her they have been life-changing and I will always be grateful to her for helping me to understand this. I told her that a week and a half ago and she begin crying. She told me it meant a lot that I told her that. A few days later she was cold though.

What are your thoughts on her keeping me has a Facebook friend even though she has limited what I can see?





My name CarGuy is because I am a total Gearhead. Cars are who I am. They are my passion and have been since I was little. My grandmother that raised me even put in my yearbook that I went from taking the wheels off of my toy cars to taking the wheels off of my real cars as a teenager. I also do Collision Repair / refinishing for a living. I have a few vehicles in my collection. A 1969 Cougar, a 1966 Mustang, a 1965 Mustang, a 1978 Lotus Esprit, and right now in my shop I am sandblasting and building a 1973 Mustang. I'm going to paint it all black and put a 5.0 coyote out of the new Mustangs in it.

Are you going to do some things to the Charger or flip it as is? I bought a 1998 Grand Marquis a couple of years ago from the dealership I was working at for my ex BPD when her car broke down. I was going to flip it when we got her car fixed. She ended up angry at me for buying it. The funny thing about it was we weren't even together at that point. Anyhow I ended up keeping the car because it was in really nice shape and is a really nice vehicle to go on long trips in.

[formflier]

My son has had a 2013 charger (retired state police vehicle) for a couple years now, so I've helped him work on it and enjoy working on it (nothing major).

The engine is running rough (on new one from auction) and I priced into my max big doing camshaft and lifters, but I hope it is something simpler.  Most likely get it running right and detailed up and sell it.

If we do end up doing the cam, we'll probably use one my son has been dreaming about for his car for an upgrade...and see what we think about it.

We can do gearhead talk more later or move over to stump the experts.  

OK, what does your therapist advise you to do at this point?

Best,

FF

[Carguy]

The last we talked I told him about the interactions between her and I since my last appointment. I was telling him and he would point things out to me. How she was so upset and then when she said we needed a break he asked me if I noticed how calm she became. I told him that she actually did. He said that is because she felt she was losing control in the conversation and by breaking up it put her back in control. I told him about her texting me how she still loved and cared about me and he said that she is putting herself out there as the good person now and the one who cares. The rescuer I guess.

I told him that she said we just needed to take a break and then after we spent Thanksgiving together it seem like we were back together. When she talked to me a week and a half later after starting to push me away again she said it bothered her that we were acting like we were together. She told me we are broken up. I was upset and told her I had to leave. I told him how she sent me a text a second time that she still loved and cared about me and that she would always be there as a friend. He pointed out that she wanted me to stay and keep pursuing her (testing me to see if I would abandon her) but since she was the one the second time rejecting me that me leaving like that was okay to her but if I was the one rejecting her and left then she would be extremely angry.

Towards the end of our session I was telling him how I told her the other day I wanted to try to improve our relationship and be there for her even if we aren't together. That I cared for her. I told him how she was getting upset telling me I was bringing everything up for her again and she thought it was best if I stayed away and gave her space. I asked her if I could do anything and she told me to ask my therapist. He kind of got a funny look on his face. I asked him what he thought was best. I told him that I wasn't sure if she was stonewalling me and really wanted me to chase and by staying away that it would drive her further away (feeling I had abandoned her and wasn't there for her, the reason why she said she broke up with me in the first place) or if staying away would be a good thing. He asked me what my gut said. I told him it said to stay away. He said he agreed and he advises that I do. He said that in the past it seems to have made things better after a period of staying away.

He also told me that if this relationship continues down the road that I need to put her stuff back on her and not internalize it and take it personally. He pointed out that one of the things I do is when she gets quiet or starts pushing away my anxiety goes up and I start panicking and chasing after her asking what is wrong or what is going on. He advises that when those things happen to just go on as if it is normal and let her come to me with her problems. Not to go to her trying to find out what the problem is. He was telling me that some of the things I do are enabling her. I need to start putting her stuff back on her and make her take responsibility for it. He said otherwise it gives her permission to continue doing things that hurt me.

[formflier]

What do you think about what your therapist said?

How do you feel about what he said?

Best,

FF

[Carguy]

I feel that he understands how she thinks quite well. When he told me this it was really a relief because I wasn't completely sure what was the best thing to do. I will admit that part of me was worried about it pushing her further away and it still is. There are also questions that keep popping into my mind. Why has she kept me as a friend on Facebook this time when she usually deletes me all the other times? To feel in control by keeping me there but limiting what I can see? Because she doesn't want to let me completely go? Or to see what I'm doing? To me it is kind of surprising but I'm thinking that may be a combination of all of these things.

And I have noticed the last day or two that my anxiety has went up more because I haven't seen or talked to her. There is that part of me that wants to. I'm having to suppress the urge. In a few days I need to drop some things off to her and see if she found some of my stuff that I want back. On top of my anxiety of wanting to talk to her I also have anxiety about talking to her. That part of my anxiety doesn't want to talk to her out of fear of getting hurt more.

Also the fact that she is already seeing somebody else has weighed heavy on me lately. Although I haven't really been talking to anybody about it, it is on my mind all the time and I am feeling anger, hurt, and despair because of it.