End of Life, Hospice

[PearlsBefore]

I'm sorry to hear things are coming to their natural end, albeit in such an unnatural year. It's good that the final stage seems workable - meanwhile just remember it's possible (I really have no idea) that the BPD symptoms will remain even in the cloud of dementia/senility/drugs. She may still fear everyone hates her, or that she's been abandoned, so it's worth considering some cheesy "You were always an inspiration to everyone and we all love you" gesture even if she won't understand the relationship of the person saying it. 

Per the eating, is it possible to just arrange a nurse to bring her a box of chocolates or something similar? Sure it's not health food, but it may tempt her to nibble and enjoy herself and forget about her plans of starvation.

I sympathize with your frustration, I lost a dear relative who was elderly with multiple organ failure and given a month to live...but relatives argued it was disgraceful that the care home allowed her to have painkillers in the middle of an opiod epidemic because she'd become addicted. So often it seems even healthy people aren't able to understand the death is not about themselves.

[Turkish]

Thanks Nw.

That's really an odd reaction to palliative drugs. But you're right that there's often not clear thinking in such situations.

The county owns the property now.

[Cat Familiar]

Have you considered that what she told you about him may not be true?

My mother told me a variety of odd things as she was beginning to become cognitively impaired. And I think some of the things she told me when she had all her faculties are suspect too, such as my dad cheating on her when he went to night school.

But the lie/fantasy that really got me thinking that she was unhinged from reality is when she told me that she and her neighbor, who was a widower, had flown to Europe for a day.

She was adamant that this had really happened. And this was before she was obviously cognitively impaired.

[formflier]

Plus, you need to consider if statements like (whatever it is) are consistent with who they are or a complete change.

It turns out that some of my Mom's odd statements and reasoning were "markers" that vascular dementia was taking hold.

She is still in the "mild" stage, but it is undeniable.

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

During my mom's recent illness, she had vivid dreams and had difficulty telling the difference between what happened in a dream and what actually occurred -- especially just after she woke up. I'm sure some of this were the drugs being used to fight off her pneumonia.

As to the eating...we were told when my dad moved from home health care to home hospice care that one of the markers for hospice was when the patient quit eating. It is a natural progression toward death, and trying to force eating is more for the family/caregivers than for the benefit of the patient. I learned a lot from Dad's hospice nurses -- they are angels.

[Turkish]

I have the feeling it might be true. She told me like 15 years ago. His wife left him for his brother and then was murdered by a subsequent lover. He raised the kids on his own. The eldest daughter went to prison for dealing coke (I met her once), and her younger sister struggled with addiction. The eldest boy seemed OK, but he was alienated from all of his kids.

When we lived on his property with another family who lived in a converted bus, the 12 year old girl and he seemed a little too affectionate. She was well developed for 12/13. Me at 13 picked up on it.  My mom didn't see the cuddling I saw (her mom was weird and her mom's boyfriend was annoyed by her kids, not a father figure at all though he liked me, an old soul) but she picked up on something. That family moved to Nevada. Later, we found a topless painting of a girl who looked suspiciously like that girl.

My mom later told me that she hated that painting (20 years ago). I never wanted to discuss, "it looks very much like... (that girl)."

[Turkish]

The county guardians office called me an hour ago to tell me my mom died. I told her that it made me rethink my end of life plans and she thought so for herself.

Just now, a representative from the hospice called to tell me the same thing. She was more business like and perfunctory.

I'm sad, but glad or thankful my mom isn't suffering anymore mentally and physically.

[SepiaScarf]

I am so sorry Turkish, I hope that you are able to find peace as well.

[Notwendy]

Best wishes to you Turkish and I also hope you find peace for yourself. Her memory will be honored in the good you do. Please include yourself in that good. Take care.

[zachira]

You do not have to worry about your mother suffering anymore. You have been a kind caring generous son and I hope you can give yourself a pat on the back for all you have done for your mother. Clearly your feelings are mixed about your mother's death as it was a challenging relationship. My condolences and heartfelt wishes for you to grieve the sadness with some comforting feelings as well.

[formflier]

Turkish,

Praying for you.  

 Her memory will be honored in the good you do.

Please find rest in the truth of Notwendy's words.

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

My condolences, Turkish. These are such complicated relationships, with complicated emotions interwoven.

We do live on in our children. You do honor her in the good you do.

[mggt]

So sorry to hear of your mother’s passing. 

[Methuen]

My condolences Turkish for the loss.  So many complicated emotions, since we children of BPD parents also mourn for the relationship we always wanted, but which wasn’t ours to have.  Like others have said, your goodness will carry forward to others  in your life through  your actions.  Take especially good care of yourself through this time.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Turkish. Grief is hard, even when the relationship was also hard and complex.

As much as I was sad (among other emotions) when each of my parents died, there was also a relief that I no longer had to feel bad about their suffering, and though my parents were both mentally ill in different ways and never were the parents I needed, I still grieved not only their passing, but the relationships I had with them (and the ones I wished I had).

You demonstrated great care and integrity towards your mother. You're a good man. I hope you can take time for some self care during this situation

[khibomsis]

Deepest sympathy Turkish. She is at peace now. May you find peace too.

[Turkish]

Thank you all 

I talked to the hospice supervisor this afternoon. I missed a call by the county guardian, but she left me the mortuary contact. She said that the funeral plan would cover most things but that the family would be responsible for other charges. I messaged one of my BFFs to get his opinion on what it might be though he's a funeral director in Washington, not Cali.

The hospice supervisor said that their bereavement support would reach out. I thanked her for all that they did. I don't think that I need it,  but as my former family therapist observed. "You have a healthy disrespect for my profession." Maybe, I don't know. 

I'm glad that her property isn't sold yet so I can carry out her last wishes.

[formflier]

 

Who is making decisions about funeral items? 

Having gone through this in the last several years, it was made clear to me ahead of time what the charges were, I signed for them before they were spent and then wrote the check after it was done.

So, I'm not aware of any situation where you will be "informed" of what you owe  (and perhaps I've misheard). 

I've personally done this and have "walked through" the process with friends and family and there were always choices (albeit unpleasant ones).

Maybe you can clarify via email.

Best,

FF

[Kwamina]

Very sorry to hear your mum has passed away Turkish 

Her suffering, both physical and mental, is indeed over now. Though the circumstances have been difficult, and the way she treated you quite hard to handle, this still is a significant loss. She was still your mother and you certainly have cared for her in an exemplary and admirable manner 

How are your kids? Have you already told them about their grandmother?

Take care Turkish, sending you peace and strength in this unusual time of loss 

The Board Parrot

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry about your mother’s passing, Turkish. 

As difficult as she was in life, as time passes, those memories will diminish and some very precious, long forgotten memories of kindness and love can re-emerge.

[Turkish]

Thanks everybody.

I told the kids that she was at end of life. I haven't told them she died yet. If they can process her remains by next weekend, I might take the kids to pick her up and then bury her. The distance, depending upon route, is just within the 150 mile covid demarcation radius so I'll be good, not that I'd let 151 miles stop me.

My mortician friend said it could be anywhere from $1k to $3k. I really don't want to hear anything from my ex. She kind of judged me about my mom though she didn't like her. What would my response be? "One less person on the planet that 'irritated you."

I called the funeral home today, but there wasn't even a message service which is weird. I've helped my buddy pick up bodies and unless he's on vacation, he's on call 24/7.  I'll call Monday during business hours.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Turkish,

I am so sorry to hear of your mom's passing. I know from all the years here on the board of how hard it was. Grief is tough, and you are grieving many things. You were a good son.  to you.

 
Wools