She knows my feelings about this...

[Enabler]

The old issue of leaving the kids (D10 and D7) at home on their own is cropping up again and again. 2hrs on Saturday to take D12 for a haircut and hang out with her here, and 1hr Sunday to go for a run. She knows my feelings about this and has even said to D10 "It's none of Daddies business", so there's an air of intentional about it. Direct confrontation doesn't seem the way to go, saying something to social services also seems heavy handed (W works at an infants school), saying something to her also seems unlikely to be productive. One solution I had was to just ask D10 to tell me when D7 is left alone with her and that I will just go round there and pick them up. But then that strikes me as putting D10 in the middle.

NL

[Skip]

"It's none of Daddies business", so there's an air of intentional about it.

1. Is it worse that a 10 year old baby sits for 2 hours or is it worse to put a child in a position to broker a disagreement between two parents?

2. Do each of you expect to micromanage the others parenting style in their own home?

These are important questions to sort early on before it becomes too big of a problem.

Experts will say that a 10 year old can babysit a younger child. It's on the early end of the scale for sure and it assumes the child has age appropriate maturity. 11 would be better.

Your natural instincts are going to favor your judgement... it takes discipline to get past that.

Might an alternative reaction be to build confidence in your 10 year old that she can do this and to teach her basic emergency skills? What do you think?

[Enabler]

Hey Skip,

1) Neither are acceptable. D10 isn't babysitting D7 nor does she want to, D10 has no authority over D7 nor does she have any tools with which to prevent D7 from doing as she likes. D10 has already expressed that she is not okay with it, so rather than broker a disagreement she is just informing me when her (justified) voice is ignored.

2) I remember you making this point before, but there's clearly a line, and at what point am I complicit in any really bad outcome because I knew this was going on yet did nothing about it. D7 decides she'd like to make hot coco and spills the mug of hot water all down her...

I wouldn't leave D7 in the care of my D12.

I think teaching D10 basic emergency skills is a good thing to do... THE END... But I see doing this as a work around for a mum who decides going for a run is more important than looking after her kids, is enabling, and enabling things on her terms without showing her that there are any consequences to her behaviour. This isn't punishment, punishment might rightfully come from D10, this is shining a light that it does not go unseen.

NL

[Skip]

I see doing this as a work around for a mum who decides going for a run is more important than looking after her kids, is enabling, and enabling things on her terms without showing her that there are any consequences to her behaviour. This isn't punishment, punishment might rightfully come from D10, this is shining a light that it does not go unseen.

This has been your mindset since the split. Your wife has said that she feels you are highly controlling. Others have sided with her (as you have said).

Based on how many responses you have received suggesting that you rethink this approach, might it make sense to do a session with the child therapist.

This is the very first article I found when googling the subject:
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/

1. It’s Okay to Parent Differently From Your Ex
2. Disengage When Your Ex Complains About Your Parenting Style
3. Don’t Put Your Child in the Middle
4. When Kids Play Parents off Each Other
5. How to Manage Your Child’s Transition Between Homes

There are a lot of mistakes we all naturally make in these situations. Fortunately, there is an abundance of support material to give us perspective. We don't have to learn the hard way.

[worriedStepmom]

You cannot put D10 in the middle of parental conflict.  Full stop.  "I know mom says it is okay, but you call me if she leaves you alone" is putting her in the middle.

Your ONLY choices are
a) Address with your wife (which has not worked in the past)
b) report to child protect services (which is unlikely to do anything)
c) Let it go and teach D10 what to do in an emergency. 

and possibly d - attempt to get more custody.

It is hard - soo hard - to let go of the other parent's choices when we disagree with them.  But sometimes you have to.  It works the other way around too - SD13's ubpdmom gets very upset with us because she thinks we give SD13 too much freedom.

[Fian]

It sounds like your best option is to talk with her, and offer that if she needs to leave D7 for a few hours, just leave her at your house.  You could try and say something to the effect of "I could call social services, which would then put you at a disadvantage in child custody hearings, but I really don't want to go down that road.  The easier solution is to just arrange things with me when you need to step out.  Maybe I can do the same thing with you as needed on my end."

[Enabler]

I think I raise this in mediation.

Skip, I’m surprised that you have moved this from what should be deemed as a breach of child safeguarding to me being controlling and not allowing my exW to independently parent. I would imagine that if this is at all reasonable behaviour I’d be able to find someone that could at the very least be comfortable with it... huuu seems not. Oh, maybe that’s because I’m in a giant echo chamber?

Put it this way, I do not think for a minute my wife would tell any of her family and friends she does this, as they too would be outraged.  This isn’t about allowing my W to parent as she pleases, to reinforce this she would t be at all pleased if I did this either. This is about stopping something that is generally seen as dangerous without playing Russian roulette with my children’s safety BUT ALSO managing in such a way that it doesn’t further escalate conflict.

NL

[GaGrl]

The primary consideration here seems to be keeping your daughter out of the middle.

If you and your STBX disagree on parenting guidelines, how do you achieve peace of mind without bringing your daughter into the solution?

Does this re-open the co-parenting agreement you had already agreed upon?

[kells76]

New-Life, yes, this is a safety issue.

Parallel track of logistics: Raising "care when a parent is away" in mediation makes sense. In the USA it's often termed "right of first refusal" -- not sure if UK is similar. There are plusses and minuses to it. Search for Samwize Gamgee's threads from the last month or so; there is a detailed discussion there. This is totally normal/appropriate to hash out in mediation, and I encourage you to bring some ideas from the boards here.

Parallel track of safety: Now is the time to prioritize "being effective" over "being right". Bringing up the "safety issue" track, at least directly, in mediation, may be a "derailer" because your W may be too defensive to handle it. That's where Skip's suggestion of taking it to a child counselor makes sense. Counselors (again, in US, probably too in UK) are "mandatory reporters". If a child is in imminent danger they MUST report it to authorities. A counselor will be a fantastic resource where you can get on paper your safety concerns ASAP.

DH's xW and her husband let SD14 (then SD11-ish) jump over fireworks. She got burned (area the size of an adult hand). They did not take her to medical care. They then let her swim in a lake. When DH found out a week afterward, he was furious -- understandably. So, I know where you're coming from.

The best way to be effective for your kids (notice, being right is something separate. you're right that this is a safety concern. the question is, how to effectively ensure your kids' safety going forward) is to systematically separate out the tracks at play, and place them in the appropriate "slots".

Track 1: safety issue: with child counselor, so it is documented by a mandated reporter
Track 2: logistical issue: with mediator, have time to present "right of first refusal" ideas
Track 3: W's parenting choices: here is a good place to vent/disagree. keep it in this slot, as that maximizes the effectivity of the other slots

If it were me, I'd play it like this:

Track 1:
Schedule appt with child C
Review Dr. Craig Childress' tips on presenting other parent's problem behaviors to a professional, without coming across as blaming/the problem
Present safety issues to counselor: focus on concern for child: "I'm concerned that our 10 year old is watching our 7 year old for 2 hours. I'm right down the street, but unfortunately, conflict has come between their mom and I. I don't want to sit back and do nothing because "it's mom's time", but at the same time, our kids' safety is my #1 priority. How can I keep them safe without putting them in the middle?"

Track 2:
Sketch out ROFR ideas
Find way to incorporate into mediation
If no agreement, see what your W is angling for, and use to your kids' advantage. I can't recommend enough reviewing Samwize Gamgee's threads on this.

Track 3:
Review "empoweringparents" article from Skip

Best;

kells76

[Fian]

Is this something that should be discussed in mediation?  I would see that as an instant escalator.  A private conversation might be less intimidating.  Also, what is meant by mandatory reporting?  If that means that as soon as he shares with a counselor, the government knows, he might as well just call himself.  Either way wife will blame him for "playing dirty."

[ForeverDad]

This might be slightly confusing as to why I include this but at the end you'll see the point my lawyer made:  what you see as so concerning may not be seen that way by the professionals.

I gained insight from my divorce lawyer regarding disasters, though only loosely applicable here... .  When I was a new member here in 2006 I was awaiting the court hearing to set the divorce's temp order when a small tornado ripped through the area where I suspected my ex lived or was visiting.  It was during the 3 months that my ex was blocking all father-son contact, even phone calls.  I called my lawyer's emergency number and said I was on edge because I couldn't verify my son was okay, I was anxious to rush to court for emergency action.  What he said shocked me.  He said the court wouldn't care and could see me as a bit crazy.  He said statistically my son was more in danger riding in vehicles than from a tornado and that would be the court's perspective.

So while tornadoes, hurricanes, airplane crashes and yes, mass shootings, grab the public's attention and shock, statistically there are more dangerous, but everyday, categories of risk out there.

[Turkish]

One solution I had was to just ask D10 to tell me when D7 is left alone with her and that I will just go round there and pick them up. But then that strikes me as putting D10 in the middle.

Yes, that's putting her in the middle and likely adding to her possible anxiety.

Last year my kids told me that their mom was leaving them alone for up to an hour. The kids were then 9 or barely 10 and 7. I asked their mom about it and she said she was teaching them to be independent. I was a latchkey kid of the 70s and 80s, I get it, but I also played with matches...

I checked the laws here in California and there was no clear answer.

Maybe it isn't wise, but in my case, I want the kids to know what to do even if daddy wolf kicks the bucket unexpectedly.  At my house, we don't have a landline, but they know how to call fire help with the alarm panel. They know two trusted neighbors on this side of the street they can go to and two on the other side of the street. They've long known how to feed themselves. We have a guard pup.

Maybe validate your daughter's feelings (SET) and discuss a safety plan at your home and imply it could work at her mom's house, too. Unless there's a solution to stop it?

I strongly suspected in our case that their mom needed "mommy time" even though we share custody. Recently, I had a stern talk with the kids after they were messing with her during her work zoom meetings which she had to pause to deal with them. I rarely webex, but when I do, I expect discipline from them. I told them I expected it at the other home as well. "What goes here, goes there, as we're all in this together even though it sucks " etc. It wasn't taking sides with their mom and they didn't take it that way (even though D8 threw a snit).

Teach them what you want them to do with you and likely they'll do it with their mom. Devise a safety plan with them, to get their buy in.

[Skip]

Oh, maybe that’s because I’m in a giant echo chamber?

NL, you often state that your wife's friends and employers validate her thinking, or are fooled by her narrative to validate her thinking, or as you phrase it here "lives in an echo chamber". She "grooms" her advisors. You readily agree with that.

You have stated that you are very opinionated and expect people to "prove their point to your standards" before it will influence your thinking. You are very polite to members who validate you and short, dismissive, or just ignore those who don't. You groom your advisors, too.

Divorce is often a drama triangle and yours is a pretty significant one. Many here are trying to center you, NL. Many of us went through a divorce - lived it - and have done the postmortem and are trying to help you, now.

Now with respect to the issue at hand... there are four elements discussed here; (1) child physical safety, (2) child mental/emotional safety, and (3) constructive vs (4) destructive co-parenting techniques. .

Striking the right balance is important. Doubling down on tactics that didn't work in the marriage is just going to transform an acrimonious marriage into an acrimonious 10 year child rearing calamity. You are both leaning heavily toward the latter and quick to see how the other is wrong and slow to see it in yourself. Matthew 7:5.

Child physical safety Is it neglect to leave a 10-11-12 year old child alone for 30 minutes, and hour, 2 hours? to walk the dog, take a bath, run to the pharmacy, take another child to choir practice? Here is a survey from the American Association of Pediatrics. They start the clock at 4 hours (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/10/191025075904.htm ). On a UK government website it says children under 12 are rarely mature enough to be left alone for a long period of time. There are very few state laws on this, I did find one - Kansas - 9 years old. My point is simply that this is not a black and white issue - there is parental judgement involved. You wife has a more active social life than you and is going to be inclined to teach her kids to be more independent/self sufficient sooner.

Child mental/emotional safety Regularly encouraging the children to deal with their mother as an adult will rob them of their childhood. Not centering them when they judge her, disobey her, punish her is serious stuff. Read the Parent/Siblings board if you want a crystal ball into the depth of the wounds. There is parental judgement involved here too.

Are the children at greater risk right not of physical or emotional injury? My sense would lean to the latter.

Constructive vs destructive co-parenting techniques Kell's gave you good advise on this one. Read to understand the constructive ways to deal with your wife. Utilize third parties and get agreement on principles (rather than directly micro manage specific situations). Work with a therapist to better understand what healthly co-parenting is and what healthy boundaries are in co-parenting.

Now is the time to get these healthy practices entrenched. You are both in the formative period of co-parenting and there have been a lot of unhealthy things happening. Don't solidify that.

You need to pivot.

[Enabler]

Skip, I am generally triggered by people who falsely represent what I have said or in this case not said, I am especially triggered by using that false representation to consistently and unwaveringly point towards me being petty, mean, unreasonable, arrogant, stubborn and generally nefarious. I am even more triggered by those that use those false representations to imply my motivations are other than those stated.

Oh, maybe that’s because I’m in a giant echo chamber?

My point being that I... ME... MYSELF must be in a very large echo chamber since I have not found a single person (in my non-virtual world... and lets say that ~75 people) that thinks it's okay to leave a 7... not 10,11 or 12... alone in a house with a 10 year old as their responsible guardian.

Between myself and my Wife I am the one far more inclined to push for independent behaviour and have been very comfortable in reassuring D10 to spend short periods of time at home alone whilst her Mum comes home from work or she's unwilling to come on errands with me. D12 is comfortable with being here for a few hours in the evening when I'm within a few minutes drive and in regular contact on Whatsapp or phone and home before her bedtime... this is relatively new (last 6m). My wife is not comfortable with this, yet it is within the spirit of the NSPCC guidelines AND both children are VERY comfortable with this level of independence.

If called to account for either decisions regarding D10 or D12 I would be willing to make an honest and open account of myself and stand firm in the assurance that I had consciously decided that I had carried out appropriate risk assessment. Knowing that my SEVEN year old daughter is being left alone with a 10yr old, I am at least culpable for that decision as well. Some months back I referred to "the hand over of responsibility" in reference to handover of the children... my W was particularly quick to point out that I'm always responsible for the children regardless of which home they live in. I cannot claim ignorance of these facts and you seem to be the only person thus far who thinks it's somewhat of a grey area and I'm micro-managing.

I am not co-parenting with my wife, and instead (under your advisement) I am parallel parenting. My wife lacks the consistency to carry out agreed parenting plans and guidelines in the manner she talks so passionately about. The 20 point parenting agreement she so honourably proposed yet broke 2 of the agreements within a few hours of handing to me was a more memorable example. On the whole I leave what she does well alone, in fact I would like to utterly disassociate myself from her choices and what she does. The children seem utterly comfortable with this and understand there is clear differentiation between what Mum says and does and what Dad says and does. I have experienced too many incidences of saying one thing and doing another leading to situations I have no recourse (or will) with which to effect change on her side. I might note that the children have also experienced this confusing behaviour and don't at all like it The reasonable discussion happened... her side of the agreement was not carried out.

Fian, you make a valid point about this being a very inflammatory (because I think it will be shaming) point to make in mediation. The child P is an option, however, the last time we saw her didn't go too well for my W + the co-parenting 3-6 month course that she pushes is a commitment of about £30k (no joke) which is hugely out of scope, and the P doesn't seem keen to spot solve issues (rightly so probably as it's just plugging holes). Involving my W's parents or sister is triangulating (and likely not positively) and discussing with social services feels like using a sledge hammer to crack a nut. BUT, the longer this continues the albeit slight risk of something bad  happening, happening, and me being asked to account for why I knew and did nothing. Boundaries are pointless without consequences... she knows the boundary but there is no consequence for her utterly ignoring it.

Turkish, this is about 'Mommy time' and more likely this is also about 'Mommy self medicating with exercise time'.

To be clear re D10, at the moment I have told her to contact me if she is uncomfortable with the situation or she feels in danger. Since at the moment I hear about these incidence after the fact, I'm not really even able to be in a position to make myself a viable safety net for D10 or instruct her as to whom is, since I'm not made aware of W leaving them till afterwards. W doesn't give me a headsup and neither does D10 tell me, enabling me to be available or have my phone off silent. What if I'm out... or still in bed when W goes for her early morning runs?

NL

[defogging]

I would suggest asking a lawyer about this.  I recently had this exact discussion with my attorney, more for my end of things than on my exPDw's end.  It was starting to feel ridiculous to drag all three kids with me everywhere I went, and I felt that my D10 and D7 were capable of staying home by themselves for a short time.  (7 seems young, but my D7 is an extremely responsible kiddo).  So, I checked in with him to see what he could easily defend in case my ex tried to accuse me of being an irresponsible parent.  My state has no clear laws on this.

His advice to me (for my jurisdiction) was that 10 is old enough to stay home alone for a short period of time, and 12 is old enough to babysit younger kids.  That is based on a state law that 12 is the age when kids can start working (i.e., babysitting).  He cautioned that the caveat is that the parent still has to make a judgment call at all ages because in some situations even a 17 year old isn't capable of being unsupervised.

I think a lawyer would be able to help you get some clear direction on what you should do here.  They may advise to let it go, they may advise to get social services involved, who knows.  But you bring up a good point that you may be culpable just by the fact that you knew about it, if nothing else you should run this by a lawyer to see what kind of liability you have there.

[Turkish]

After I get them set up for remote school, I leave them for about 10 minutes to get coffee at the store around the block, locking the front door. On occasion, I've left them for 25 minutes to shop at the grocery store 3 blocks away, but try to do that when they're not with me. We've left S10 alone when D8 and I take the dog for walks around the block.

NL, "self-medicating" might help her not lash out at the kids. You might have to weigh this.

Last September, I was in an accident. I called my ex to take the kids on my night. I had to wait for a cop and wasn't sure if be able to pick up the kids on time from after- school care. She later told me that she lashed out at the kids because it interfered with her evening run, "I'm not even supposed to have you today!" Horrible thing to say to your children.  She felt guilty enough to tell me (and she was venting that they gave her a hard time). I didn't judge, but decided to drive more carefully...

[Enabler]

NL, "self-medicating" might help her not lash out at the kids. You might have to weigh this.

I agree and this is all part of my thought process. This isn't the first time this issue has come up... the conflict between her "need" (and I believe it is a need to her) to go running (and self medicate) and her obligation to look after the kids. 2 years ago questions were asked about whether it was okay to leave the kids at home whilst she went for a run in the summer holidays or if it was okay to leave them in a hotel room and use the gym. At the time I tactfully said I didn't think this was okay... which in effect made the situation change such that I was "controlling her" and "stopping her going for a run". Although I don't think she will physically lash out at the kids, but verbally things can get out of hand and exercise has a tendency to give her the boost she needs to centre herself. As far as the verbalise narrative goes she is running for fitness, she wouldn't dare suggest she needs to do it to stay calm and effectively parent, that would be far far far too close to the truth.

So, I could offer to look after the kids whilst she went for a run... but then I'm straight back to enabling her, a situation I was pretty happy to be able to get some distance from and able to put a boundary between my time and her time. Then what's next... ?

NL

[Skip]

The term self-medicating refers to attempts to deal with depression, pain (physical or emotional), or intense emotions with the help of drugs (prescription or otherwise), alcohol, and other substances, and without the guidance of a doctor.

Her run, by definition, is not self medicating. It's healthy. Leaving the girls alone for short bursts is not neglect - we showed you the expert opinion - its often a practical necessity.   Undermining her parenting in her home ("call me if mommy is not doing what you want, dear") is not parallel parenting...  it's classic triangulation (rescuer) and bad boundfaries.

There is a term in the US -  "nothing-burger". Her actions are a "nothing-burger".

Boundaries are pointless without consequences... she knows the boundary but there is no consequence for her utterly ignoring it.

None of what you are talking about is a healthy boundary, and in co-parenting you will come to learn that the courts and Child services will only support you in trying to effect "controls" on the other parent in the most egregious or serious circumstances.

Your wife moved out and you two are getting a divorce to end all of this - not recast it in another relationship form.

Its important to let go.

To be clear re D10, at the moment I have told her to contact me if she is uncomfortable with the situation or she feels in danger.

Let's break this down. Mommy goes for a run. The wind is blowing and occasionally rubbing a tree branch on the house.

Here is what the child faces...

  Scared (as is normal)
  Must make decision to disobey either mom or dad.
  Fearful of what to do.
  Must concoct a false narrative to protect themself from the parent they disobey

Here is what the adults face...

  Awareness that there is an effort to be undermined
  Escalation of actions with child to avoid interference by the other party. If daddy does "x" call me. Don't tell mommy that we did "x".

Here is what the child faces next...

  Realization that they must measure everything they say and do to each parent in terms of how it will weigh into the parents ongoing fight
  Realization that having separate narratives is what please the parents most

So when the child is with Daddy, she tell him how much nicer and calmer his house is - better than mommy! They see that daddy is most pleased to hear this. Positive reinforcement.

And when the child is with mommy, they tell her how they love they way she talks to them and cuddles with them - better than daddy! They see that mommy is most please to hear this.  Positive reinforcement.

... and this can soon evolves to:

How did you like the trip to Disneyland with mom?

Answer to mom: It was the best time of my life. [followed by positive reinforcement from mom]

Answer to dad: It rained and the hotel was weird. [followed by positive reinforcement from dad]

Do you want you girl living like this and needing to "handle you"?

[defogging]

I'd try to look on the bright side of this too.  Exercising is a better form of "self medicating" than say, heading to the local bar for a couple drinks while the kids are at home.  It also depends on what exactly is happening - is your W going on 20 mile runs for 3 hours without any contact, or is she running for 30 minutes in the neighborhood and always within a half mile of the house?  If she's relatively close by and they could contact her in an emergency, probably not a big deal.

Most people, PD or not (and myself included), need a break from parenting sometimes.  I'm certainly a better parent if I get some time away from them, for me it's working out in the basement before they wake up while they're this young.  Especially in the midst of this staying at home and remote learning, it's clear to me that the kids and I get sick of being cooped up in the house with each other all the time.  I agree with Skip that running isn't really self medicating, it's a healthy outlet from the stresses of parenting.

My next door neighbors routinely leave their kids (11,8,6) home for short periods without either parent there.  Different situation as they're married and get along well.  They allow their kids to roam more than I can right now.  I think it's a good thing, it teaches the kids independence and responsibility.  Unfortunately I have to worry about potential accusations from my ex so I have to be more conservative about it.  Their kids have more freedom to go to the park and play football, or go to the lake and go fishing, I wish I could allow that more but it will have to wait a year or two.

[Fian]

So, I could offer to look after the kids whilst she went for a run... but then I'm straight back to enabling her, a situation I was pretty happy to be able to get some distance from and able to put a boundary between my time and her time. Then what's next... ?

NL

If your concern is your children's health, I don't see how this is a boundary issue.  Are you willing to be 24/7 parent if that is what is needed?  Which is more important to you - force ex-wife to be responsible and have less time for bad activities, or doing everything that you can to make sure your children are safe regardless of how that impacts your time?  From what I know of you, I am pretty sure the answer is children's welfare comes first.  I would even argue that it is a plus - the less time your kids spend with a disordered person is a good thing.  So if wife starts sending the kids over more and more often to be watched by you while she does other activities is a win/win.

[Enabler]

Her run, by definition, is not self medicating. It's healthy.

Leaving the girls alone for short bursts is not neglect - we showed you the expert opinion - its often a practical necessity.  

Her runs by definition are not healthy, but I accept there are even less healthier options she could have taken. "Healthy" would be not needing to go for a run to sooth emotional pain during the 50% of the time she is required to parent our children. Healthy would be "I have the kids until Tuesday, I'll go for a run then". Healthy isn't "I'll display risky behaviour which I know to be risking the children's safety because I need to self sooth"... that's not "healthy" at all. That might be a "healthy coping mechanism" but it isn't healthy, and it certainly isn't a healthy coping mechanism when it puts other people at risk.

Short bursts is 5-10 mins going to the corner shop or even better, D7 walking to a friends house where an adult is at each end to verify her arrival. Short bursts is not going for an hours run around the woods when no other adult knows that the children have been left alone.

The examples of experts you have "shown me" have been of 10yr+ children. Did I miss the examples where it said that 7yr old was cool?

Your example with D10's thought process is utter hyperbole. I am sure you're aware there is plenty grey there with regards to all parties reactions and dialogue in that situation.  

[Enabler]

From what I know of you, I am pretty sure the answer is children's welfare comes first. 

That... exactly that.

[GaGrl]

So the situation is, in most cases, that Ex goes for a run for an hour, and no adult knows where she is or that children are alone?

Can you work with the practicalities of that situation -- what can you agree upon with Ex that will alleviate your concern about the 7-year old?I

Is there any agreement that is acceptable to you at this point, other than Ex not running?

Do you suspect she is not running but rather meeting OM?

[Enabler]

If your concern is your children's health, I don't see how this is a boundary issue. 

The boundary issue is that it moves to a position where I am saying that I have no boundaries with regards to my time. I would be moving towards a zone which says to my wife that any perceived "need" she has is greater than my own autonomy. As much as the divorce is happening to end the conflict, the divorce is also occurring to end the enmeshment and to create clear boundaries between her and me... physically, financially, emotionally and other resources (one of those resources is my time). How difficult would it be to manage a situation where it is okay to leave the kids with me to go for a run in the woods but leaving the kids with me to go and get drunk, or go out for a date with OM is not okay. Her time to do this is in the time when I am looking after the children... that's defined.

As much as more parenting time might be something I might want, it may not be in my best interest to informally adopt "all" parenting responsibilities. For starters, I might want to go for a run in the woods and historically I know who trumps who in that situation, and that feeds the control "I will be going for a run regardless, you either look after the kids or you don't..."

[worriedStepmom]

It's back to the fact that you can't control her choices.

It sounds like you've already brought this up and she ignored you.  So you can ask a lawyer for advice, you can ask a therapist for advice, or you can call child protective services.

While I agree with you that it is not ideal to leave a 10 and 7 year old alone together (I wouldn't), where I live authorities would most likely not investigate this. 

So I don't think you are in an echo chamber, but I do think that your friends may not have a realistic view of whether anything can be done about this.

[Fian]

I think you will have to decide which is more important to you.  Also, would you rather she brought OM to be with her and kids?  Having the kids while she runs off with OM might be better.

[Skip]

What does parallel parenting mean to you?

[defogging]

The boundary issue is that it moves to a position where I am saying that I have no boundaries with regards to my time. I would be moving towards a zone which says to my wife that any perceived "need" she has is greater than my own autonomy. As much as the divorce is happening to end the conflict, the divorce is also occurring to end the enmeshment and to create clear boundaries between her and me... physically, financially, emotionally and other resources (one of those resources is my time). How difficult would it be to manage a situation where it is okay to leave the kids with me to go for a run in the woods but leaving the kids with me to go and get drunk, or go out for a date with OM is not okay. Her time to do this is in the time when I am looking after the children... that's defined.

This is where you'll have to learn to give up all control of things during her parenting time.  You can't have a boundary around your time, and also dictate what happens in her house.  If you have a legitimate concern for the kids' well being, then speak to an attorney and find out what if anything, can or should be done.  Authorities typically won't get involved unless it's a major issue.  Going for a run and leaving them at home may be questionable, but I doubt they'd do much about it unless something happened.  If the kids burned the house down, or the 7 yo wandered away from home, then they'd take a closer look at her judgment call of leaving them home alone.

I can attest that there are a lot of things I wish my ex would do differently, mostly around how she parents the kids.  The best thing I did for myself was stop worrying about the dysfunction in her house, and concentrated on giving the kids a healthy space in my house.  I just control what I can control, and don't worry about the rest.  The benefit you realize once you stop worrying about what happens at their house is you are now on solid ground to rebuff any attempts at control over things in your house.  My ex has tried many times to control my time, I simply tell her that she can parent how she wants and I will do things the way I see best on my time.  I've also told her to contact her lawyer if she sees a problem with my parenting, and of course it's never happened.  This has worked really well for me to just release any worry about her parenting time and concentrate on my own.  It's amazing how quickly they will leave you alone if you rebuff them a couple times.  I hear next to nothing from her nowadays, and life is much more peaceful.

[Enabler]

Defogging,

I think what you've said highlights my concern with how I stay in my lane and allow her to do what she likes in her lane:

Going for a run and leaving them at home may be questionable, but I doubt they'd do much about it unless something happened.  If the kids burned the house down, or the 7 yo wandered away from home, then they'd take a closer look at her judgment call of leaving them home alone.

Many people here have highlighted that social services is unlikely to investigate D7 being left with D10, UNLESS something bad were to happen. Then, at that point they may question the judgement call of my W that leaving D7 was incorrect. So the quality of the judgement call is based on the outcome rather than the call itself... even though it would seem the vast majority of people AND professionals would deem 7 as too young to be left and 10 not old enough to be responsible for 7. Inevitably MY judgement call to NOT highlight this to anyone would also be brought into question "after the event" even though it would appear that even if I did, it would not be investigated because as yet "the judgement call" (which seems to be consensus poor) is yet to be proven as wrong.

I am all for staying in my lane and definitely not wasting my time or mental energy worrying about her parenting 'style' since it's nothing I can influence anyway, but surely even this has to have limits, AND past those limits what will be effective... and ultimately it's being effective I care about.

Being effective to me =
- D7 to be supervised within the bounds of normal parent behaviour (and that could mean 10 mins with D10 to pop to the corner shop), normal parents do take a punt ever now and again, but typically they don't systematically deviate from social norms.
- W is able to pull the rip cord and go for a run if it's her means of coping, and have a means of ensuring D7 and D10's supervision.
- W is not able to use the rip cord for alternative "needs"... W is not able to take advantage and on the whole feels the full burden of her parenting responsibilities.
- Or that W doesn't know that a safety net is being provided

My hunch (based on talking to my lawyer friend) is that my lawyer would recommend the least culpability route of telling social services therefore leaving the problem in their hands to investigate or not, but she's not so much concerned with minimising conflict as she is about risk management.

NL

[ForeverDad]

Many people here have highlighted that social services is unlikely to investigate D7 being left with D10, UNLESS something bad were to happen. Then, at that point they may question the judgement call of my W that leaving D7 was incorrect. So the quality of the judgement call is based on the outcome rather than the call itself...

I faced that concern and so have many others, that it's likely not "actionable" until (something happens and then) it is.

Over here in the USA the same conundrum is in our courts over the elections.  There are cases that have been dismissed (promptly, before getting to the discovery phase to determine how extensive the claimed fraud is) with the judge claiming failed "laches", that is, the petitioner should have made their complaint sooner, before the election.  But the petitioner states that if done that way they would have been dismissed because the election hadn't happened yet and there was no harm (yet).  A catch 22.