4th Xmas NC with Mom. She sent (not quite) a gift. Do I respond?

[momisborderline]

Haven't been on this board for a while, and want to thank all of you who post. Your stories are so helpful.

I went full NC with my undiagnosed BP Mom in August of 2017. In May of 2018 I got married and moved across town. (And to me there is no mistaking that going NC with my Mom allowed me the emotional bandwidth to even contemplate marriage. I'm so glad I did, I've never been happier.)

 Since I'm not in touch with Mom, she didn't know about my marriage and she didn't have my new address. The first Christmas that we weren't in touch, she sent a present and called (and since she's blocked went straight to vm) and left a touching message. I didn't reply. The second Christmas she sent a present and a note, these were forwarded from my old address. Again, no reply from me. Third Christmas I received neither gift, nor card. And celebrated, bc clearly my mail forwarding had expired and I thought I was in the clear.

But yesterday, I received a package in the mail with a card from her. The note was full of regret that we aren't speaking, reminders of how sick she is and how she will soon be dead (she's been "dying" for close to 10 years now.) Reminded me that she's 98 years old. (Actually she's 78 so that was interesting.) And apologized profusely for how "horrible" she had been to me. She congratulated me on my marriage (how did she know about that?) and closed with a plea for me to forgive her so we can reconcile before she dies.

The "present" was the absolute best. My mom has a history of "re-gifting" items she previously used herself and didn't want any more or that others had given to her. The theme here is, her gifts are not chosen with the recipient in mind. Because the world outside of her doesn't exist and I exist only as an extension of her. She had an old Amazon box that didn't quite fit the tube inside. The tube was from Burberry so I guessed it had a Burberry scarf inside of it. However I was puzzled for 2 reasons: 1. The Burberry tube had food stains on it. 2. The Burberry tube said "personalized for you" on it. Hmmm.

Sure enough, upon opening, I removed a gorgeous reversible Burberry scarf from it. A sparkling honey color on one side, and the other the classic Burberry plaid. Well, classic with the addition of red initials monogrammed on it, pretty boldly monogramed, there's no missing it. And there's no missing that they were her initials -- not mine.

This led me down the rabbit hole of "what was she thinking?" A pointless exercise. Did she think I wouldn't notice? Did she think that I would still want to wear it even with her initials? Before she moved to Florida, she had tried to give me and my sister her fur coats (gross, we declined) that had her initials monogrammed inside. I can see a coat with a monogram INSIDE (but ick, not fur) but OUTSIDE?

So I have 2 other siblings, we don't have a close relationship, but I'm very close with my third sibling, my sister. Well the day before, my sister got a
"present" in the mail from my mother also! Some Ugg boots, shoved in a paper bag and then boxed. Not only are the boots not my sister's size, it appears she had worn them. In her note to my sister, she mis-named one of her grandchildren. Although her handwriting is perfect, I'm sure there is some cognitive decline. We commiserated and laughed about it. It's good to have someone who knows exactly how this feels.

My sister has been NC with my mom for over 10 years. She would never give my mom my address or tell her about my marriage. They literally never speak. My youngest sister and brother speak with her once or twice a year. So I imagine she got my info from one of them. It's okay, I'm not afraid of what she'll do with it. When I first went NC with her I had nightmares about her flying to my city and taking a cab to my house. But not only does she live across the country - she is basically bed bound due to scoliosis and COPD.

I have an overwhelming urge to send back the scarf with a note that says "I assume this was sent in error as it has your initials on it." And tell her that I still feel no contact between us is what's best for me. I really feel that way. But, even doing that is giving her contact which is what she wants. Part of this urge is me wanting to "hold her to account" that this wasn't really a gift. It took me nearly 50 years to go no contact with mom.  I never had the strength to speak up to her before then and assert my own wishes. Now that I feel stronger, I want to say something. But just as it wouldn't have mattered then, it doesn't matter now.

And just for additional context, right before I went NC with my mom, we were in the process of finding her an assisted living community here in my town.  I have many previous posts about the drama surrounding that so won't repeat it her. When I decided it was best for both of us that she not move and that I find her a nice assisted living facility in Florida we had a rupture and I went NC. Just before that she mentioned she was doing online shopping to buy winter clothes since she would need them when she moved to my city. So my guess is these are items she bought when she thought she was moving here and now she's cleaning house. (As much as an active alcoholic, hoarder who is bed bound can clean house.)

So, I'll close here. Would love to hear from any of you who have had unwelcome contact from BPD family members bc of the holidays. And maybe you can strengthen my resolve not to be in contact with her.

Wishing you all peace and health during these holidays.

[Notwendy]

Oh gosh the gift! I don't know whether to be sad for you or laugh because the same kind of thing happens to me and it's a mix of both.

My BPD mother's family does the same thing!  I recall being upset at my graduation that my friends all got presents from their parents but not me and my mother coldly said "never expect a gift". And I don't- from her ever, and if she does give a gift, it has strings attached or it's awful.


My mother prefers designer items too.  I have not ever wanted to buy something like that, but if someone wanted to gift it to me, I would appreciate it. One day she gave me one of her cast off designer purses, and I thought "wow" and then it turned out to be defective. Another present was the same thing she have her housekeeper- because I was with her when she bought the gifts.

I have felt hurt at times by these gifts but honestly, I think we give them more thought than the givers do.

From my mother's side of the family: a ring that is several sizes too small, a serving plate with a silver coating that is peeling off.

My default with this kind of thing is to not react. It would let her know you reveived it and had some kind of reaction to it. She will then decide you are ungrateful.

If you are NC and committed to that, then stay that way. If you did want to make contact, then write a thank you for the thoughtful gift and do something meaningful with the scarf like donate to a homeless shelter or something.  You can then feel like you did something good no matter what her motive was.

I also have had similar drama about assisted living for my mother. I also realized it would not be a good idea if she were too near to my home town. So far though she's been ok with help at her home and prefers that. I am so grateful for that.

[beatricex]

hi momisborderline,
My mom is borderline, although I am now LC with her there was a time (approximately 7 years) I went completely NC.

I wanted to comment about the regifting!  holy cow, my mom does this too.  Except she gives you the gift you gave her back.  Example, one year I gave her chocolate flax cereal.  She tried it, didn't like it, and I got it for my birthday (yes opened and stale).

My Uncle's girlfriend called me one year (we are close in age), upset, to tell me my Mom re-gifted a gift she had given to her.  She wanted to know why my Mom's note said "since this is your taste not mine..." 

ugh

so tacky

 

b

[Methuen]

Oh my gosh the regifting thing.  My mom is cheap, but regifting  lets her feel generous.  She gifts the items she is finished with and wants out of her house.  She can be quite proud of this giving.  I used to  ask her if she thought it was an idea to talk  hebpersonto the person about it first to see if they wanted it. Never.  It was  always about her need to “get rid of it”, and feel generous about it.

[momisborderline]

Oh that is classic! Your cereal story takes the cake. It's always so helpful to know that others out there understand the crazy that is Borderline Mom gift giving.

My mom has another neat gift giving thing that she does. She will give you the gift of something she has used, but has stopped using, and then later, ask for it back. Examples:

1. Gifted my sister her Coach briefcase when my sister graduated college. It was "gently worn" but my sister went with it. She felt pretty good going to her new job each day with a coach briefcase. Fast forward 6-9 months, my sis and mom get in a fight, mom accuses my sis of not thanking her enough for the briefcase and says sis doesn't appreciate her or the briefcase, and  asks for the briefcase back. My sis wisely gave it to her. Who wants to be bought for the price of a coach briefcase, whether it's new or used?

2. When I got my first apartment on my own after college, a small studio on Capitol Hill in DC. Oh my god, scraping the $500 monthly rent together was a struggle and didn't leave me with a lot of $ for furnishings.  I was working a full time job and waiting tables on the weekend.  She sent me an oriental rug that had been in the family for as long as I can remember.  It was huge, and my studio apartment was small, so it was perfect. It looked great and was kind of reassuring to have this memento from home since I was out of state. First thing: before she would ship it, she made me promise I would buy a "jute hair rug pad" because they were the sturdiest and would keep the oriental carpet fibers from "breaking down." This was over 25 years ago, no synthetic jute hair rug pads, basically I remember spending more $ than I could afford. After I'd had it for about a year, she called to tell me she needed it back, she was moving to a penthouse condominium (that she couldn't afford, her boyfriend-at-the-time was paying the $10k rent, but that's a story for another time) and with all the extra space she needed it back. But first I had to have it professionally cleaned. Which was expensive. And having them pick it up was even more. I will never forget the memory I have of wrestling that damn rug into my crappy little hatchback. Of course I paid for the cleaning, and the shipping, and the insurance on the shipping. And then was left with a jute hair rug pad that I had absolutely no use for. Wow, aren't the holidays great for bringing up all these fun memories?

hi momisborderline,
My mom is borderline, although I am now LC with her there was a time (approximately 7 years) I went completely NC.

I wanted to comment about the regifting!  holy cow, my mom does this too.  Except she gives you the gift you gave her back.  Example, one year I gave her chocolate flax cereal.  She tried it, didn't like it, and I got it for my birthday (yes opened and stale).

My Uncle's girlfriend called me one year (we are close in age), upset, to tell me my Mom re-gifted a gift she had given to her.  She wanted to know why my Mom's note said "since this is your taste not mine..." 

ugh

so tacky

 

b

[momisborderline]

Yes indeed. They are so proud of it, and then if you aren't appreciative enough, (in their minds) they ask for it back! See my reply to beatricex. Since I'm not going to reply to her, there is a strong possibility that the next letter will say "since you didn't acknowledge my gift, I assume you aren't using it. Please send it back." If that's the case, I will gladly do so.

Oh my gosh the regifting thing.  My mom is cheap, but regifting  lets her feel generous.  She gifts the items she is finished with and wants out of her house.  She can be quite proud of this giving.  I used to  ask her if she thought it was an idea to talk  hebpersonto the person about it first to see if they wanted it. Never.  It was  always about her need to “get rid of it”, and feel generous about it.

[momisborderline]

Hi Notwendy,
nice to hear from you, I've found your replies to me very helpful in the past and this is no exception.  Yes I relate to the laughing AND crying. Because it's funny, but also, not! Only the child of a borderline can understand.

Your story about your graduation is so sad. But nevertheless, predictable. But had that been me, it would have really hurt my feelings. I think you are 1,000 percent right when you say that we spend more time thinking about these gifts than they do. That was a helpful perspective. And as far as having strings attached, that is so true!

I feel like sticking with NC is the way to go, and won't reply to her. Your idea to give the scarf to a shelter is a great one. As you said, no matter what her motives were, some good will come from it.

Hope your holidays are healthy and happy.

Oh gosh the gift! I don't know whether to be sad for you or laugh because the same kind of thing happens to me and it's a mix of both.

My BPD mother's family does the same thing!  I recall being upset at my graduation that my friends all got presents from their parents but not me and my mother coldly said "never expect a gift". And I don't- from her ever, and if she does give a gift, it has strings attached or it's awful.


My mother prefers designer items too.  I have not ever wanted to buy something like that, but if someone wanted to gift it to me, I would appreciate it. One day she gave me one of her cast off designer purses, and I thought "wow" and then it turned out to be defective. Another present was the same thing she have her housekeeper- because I was with her when she bought the gifts.

I have felt hurt at times by these gifts but honestly, I think we give them more thought than the givers do.

From my mother's side of the family: a ring that is several sizes too small, a serving plate with a silver coating that is peeling off.

My default with this kind of thing is to not react. It would let her know you reveived it and had some kind of reaction to it. She will then decide you are ungrateful.

If you are NC and committed to that, then stay that way. If you did want to make contact, then write a thank you for the thoughtful gift and do something meaningful with the scarf like donate to a homeless shelter or something.  You can then feel like you did something good no matter what her motive was.

I also have had similar drama about assisted living for my mother. I also realized it would not be a good idea if she were too near to my home town. So far though she's been ok with help at her home and prefers that. I am so grateful for that.

[beatricex]

This whole thread is making me 

Love the story about the slighty used gifts, and the indian giving (probably not PC to say that anymore)!

[Notwendy]

Yes, her comment at my graduation was hurtful- really one in many things she has said to me- but on the other hand, I learned to not expect or even want anything from her early on.