It is like a death.

[MamaBear4vr]

I really don't know how so many here can be so accommodating of the bpd person who turns the family upside down. You're damn right I want to invalidate the maladaptive responses of my child with BPD. That's operant conditioning to raise a well-adjusted human.

The injustice, the hurt, the waste of potential with this disorder is epically sad. I can't comprehend how someone acts this way, someone who used to act normal and sweet, and who was NOT raised in a traumatic upbringing. It is like a death.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bluejay12]

I could not agree with you more!  It is absolutely like a death but worse in so many ways.  You see them, they look great, smiling and talkative but they are truly different.  Disconnected, living in a made up world that is uniquely theirs with little correlation to reality.   So sad.  Painful and frustrating too because they can destroy entire families and long time friendships with their deviant and manipulative behavior.   I have found so much support listening to your sadly similar stories, though.  In stead of reacting the way I used to, hoping for behavior changes, I now realize the depth of this mental illness.  When we first received advice from a professional, I was shocked they encouraged us to step back and take care of ourselves.  It’s really just about the only thing you can do.  We are still working on our detachment, however, ours involves a 3 yo grandchild.  We adore her and wish we had the power to have her removed from her crazy parents and be raised by us.  At least the child would have a chance for a normal and happy life ❤️

[WritingLife]

Oh my gosh, I cannot believe I am not alone.
My son is 24 and the 2nd oldest. I have 3 minor kids getting caught in the crosshairs.
I'm here if anyone needs to talk or relate.

[Sancho]

Bluejay thank you for the reminder 'they are truly different'. It is so hard to keep this in mind when you suddenly move from a normal, casual interaction to a raging, aggressive response - for no reason that you can see!

I have read recently some results of studies comparing the brain areas of those with BPD and those of a control group ie non-BPD people. There were big differences.

Occasionally my BPD has said things like 'I hate it when I am like this'. It is not a great deal for me to hold on to but it is something. So I try not to judge.

But it is soo hard!

[PearlsBefore]

While I don't necessarily identify with, or agree with, parts of your post because they've never been my own experience...it still resonates when you say "it is like a death". The popular books on BPD didn't really explain it to me that way, I didn't grasp it until I heard a speaker in-person advising caretakers of BPD patients. I'd always dismissed self-care as selfish and a distraction (Hellloo Knights in shining armor-Anonymous?) until I heard the statistics for depression and PTSD amongst caretakers of BPD. Apparently it wasn't a coincidence that I had only two conditions myself after more than a decade of BPD caretaking...depression and PTSD.

But, especially when dealing with suicidal or parasuicidal patients, it makes sense in hindsight. Even though I've never seen this person dead, I have opened a door and seen them presumed-dead more than once - my heart has raced and my mind struggled to grasp their apparent death on multiple occasions, I literally cannot enumerate the number of times this has happened. So yeah, maybe the professionals are right, maybe like anyone who has experienced the rapid emotional and rational responses surrounding presumed-death, muchless on multiple occasions...maybe it would be smart to talk to someone about it.

It's a bit of a Groundhog Day of repeating nightmares, being a BPD caretaker who has to come home to an eerily quiet house and instantly begin processing and delimiting what you'll do if you discover them dead, or just having sliced themselves up, as you open each door in the house and call their name. Even if today you ultimately just found them listening to their headphones in the basement.