How did you move forward?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex who I coparent with (try to) has recently been diagnosed with BDP. Our relationship was the classic lovebomb-devalue-charm. He is with someone else (person he cheated with and left me for) but has continually charmed me back on and off since he left. Is it common for them to say you ‘imagined’ or ‘misunderstood’ a charm when they go back to their FP? I lashed out at him this week and said some disgustingly horrible things about him and his illness. He put me on speakerphone so other people could hear it and tells anyone who will listen how abusive I am and how I don’t understand him and how much he is struggling because of me, I lash out out of frustration because I feel like he has no understanding of why his behaviour is hurtful to the people on the other end of it.  It makes me feel like I’m going insane and I am a terrible person . I’ve had counselling, read books, tried to better myself but still can’t seem to go no contact or break out of this cycle. Whenever I try he tells me it’s because I’m bitter and jealous of his np and I should remain friends and be available to talk or update his about our children (I mean just how they are day to day rather than arrangements for their time with him). I just feel so loser and stuck and like a terrible person who should be more understanding of how difficult it is for him but I can’t after everything he has put me through. Sorry this is so long, it’s also my first time posting anywhere so just off loading

[Escapesairy]

My ex who I coparent with (try to) has recently been diagnosed with BDP. Our relationship was the classic lovebomb-devalue-charm. He is with someone else (person he cheated with and left me for) but has continually charmed me back on and off since he left. Is it common for them to say you ‘imagined’ or ‘misunderstood’ a charm when they go back to their FP? I lashed out at him this week and said some disgustingly horrible things about him and his illness. He put me on speakerphone so other people could hear it and tells anyone who will listen how abusive I am and how I don’t understand him and how much he is struggling because of me, I lash out out of frustration because I feel like he has no understanding of why his behaviour is hurtful to the people on the other end of it.  It makes me feel like I’m going insane and I am a terrible person . I’ve had counselling, read books, tried to better myself but still can’t seem to go no contact or break out of this cycle. Whenever I try he tells me it’s because I’m bitter and jealous of his np and I should remain friends and be available to talk or update his about our children (I mean just how they are day to day rather than arrangements for their time with him). I just feel so loser and stuck and like a terrible person who should be more understanding of how difficult it is for him but I can’t after everything he has put me through. Sorry this is so long, it’s also my first time posting anywhere so just off loading

[ForeverDad]

Remember the movie Young Frankenstein?  When asked which brain he chose, Igor replied, "Abby something... Abby... Abby Normal!"

Well, you're expecting normal behaviors from someone who is, calmly speaking, abnormal.  Of course he puts his phone on speaker when you're lambasting him about his poor behaviors.  Maybe he even staged it that way, manipulated you into (to you) righteous outrage so he could claim (to others) how abusive and mean you are.

My advice is to Let Go of trying to reason with him, chastise him, or let him trigger your outrage.  You won't get cooperation or even closure from him.  You have to Gift yourself closure.  And calmness.  You have to accept you'll probably never guilt him into realizing how poorly he has behaved.  So don't let him press your buttons.  Totally, totally, limit all contact and conversations to just parenting-related information such as necessary sharing of details about exchanges, child health, school, etc.

[Escapesairy]

Thank you so much for the advice. I also feel like the diagnosis has opened a new can of worms because I now worry about whether traits will be passed onto our children or how his behaviour will affect them and I don’t know what to do in terms of damage control other than being the stable parent

[MeandThee29]

Thank you so much for the advice. I also feel like the diagnosis has opened a new can of worms because I now worry about whether traits will be passed onto our children or how his behaviour will affect them and I don’t know what to do in terms of damage control other than being the stable parent

I wrote out a whole page of "what I can expect from him/what I cannot expect from him" during the divorce process and put it above my desk (I've worked from home for years). I got rid of it at some point because I felt I was ready, but it had things like this:

Expect:
Blaming
Reactivity
Gaslighting
Triangulation
Manipulation
etc.

Can't expect:
Empathy
Financial help
Respect for the law
Emotional support
Respect
etc.

I was very fortunate that I knew during separation (also aspects of NPD), so I had time to grasp and understand what I was facing as the divorce loomed. My original attorney understood completely how to approach it, and in time was advising his attorney (LOL). Dark triad was mentioned during the divorce process by his attorney, but I don't know where he got that.

Our long-term family therapist who has seen us all believes that it was largely trauma-based and said that a genetic component in our case is unlikely. FWIW. If you aren't already in therapy or in a support group, I recommend that.

[Escapesairy]

The list is a great idea.
When we are NC it’s like my brain forgets what he’s like/ capable of because I feel stronger in myself.
I have been to therapy but not sure if she was the right person for me. I’m going to try someone more trauma based. I’ve heard that PTSD is quite common after this type of r/s and think I am showing some signs.
I’m aware of some childhood trauma in his past  but not abuse and I don’t know enough about how/ why  he was diagnosed so I can’t say. I’ve always found his mother very off centre, I wouldn’t say she’s bpd but there’s definitely something going on there - very anxious and controlling in a way I’ve never seen someone behave with their adult children

[Mutt]

Hi Escapesairy,

I think looking for a new T or different therapy is a good idea if you feel like you’re wanting different help or you don’t feel like you’re current therapy is helping.

I want to suggest validating your feelings here with people that can validate them. It’s ok to feel hurt, disappointed, angry etc it’s ok to feel all of those things.

A lot of us can relate with wanting our exBPD to validate the wrongful things that we feel that they did to us  but because of their arrested emotional development they can’t provide it. It’s better to turn to a non that can fulfill that rather than trying to get it from a source that will  just continue to add to your suffering.

I think that it’s normal to be stuck - most of us in this thread have been there but to start letting go is to validate your feelings but to shift that from trying to get it from a mentally ill person to a non. You’ll start moving in the right direction.

[livednlearned]

A lot of times we're attracted to people who struggle more than we do because it makes us feel better knowing someone is worse off than us.

I'm in bad shape but he's worse. Therefore I'm at least better than one other person.

Stuff makes us angry, which if directed to change can have positive momentum (I will not allow _____ to happen). Directed inward (I'm a loser, I'm stuck, I'm a terrible person) seems to keep us fighting for bottom position.

It can be exquisitely painful to demonstrate love for yourself if it was and is in short supply. The vulnerability involved in embracing our own worthiness can be grueling.

Having a boot on the back of your head, whether it's his that he put there or your own size 9 functions like a safety feature because at least you know the feeling. To go through life not letting yourself get walked over by a significant other may be something new and uncertain and even frightening. If the fight stops, you might have to let go of what's familiar.

I lashed out at him this week and said some disgustingly horrible things about him and his illness.

What led up to this? It might help to look at what set this in motion.

In BPD relationships it's like being on a ship with no guard rails in rocky seas. What was the first sign that the boat was starting to rock, and that led you to lash out?

[livednlearned]

.

[Escapesairy]

Thank you LNL I lashed out because after months of very limited contact he reached out and asked if I would be open to spending time with him and the kids (to show their parents can get along) after a few weeks he started dropping hints about getting back together and possibly spending Christmas together. I didn’t trust the getting back together but did think it would be lovely for our children to spend Christmas with both of us and thought maybe we were moving forward with our coparenting. Long story short he got back with FP and pretended I misinterpreted the situation and it never happened the way I perceived it (maybe I did get the wrong end of the stick? But it seemed very clear from his communication he was trying to rebuild a relationship - mentioned attending therapy together, owned up to some faults and was trying to gain my trust in other ways, saying stuff like ‘do you really never see yourself being with me’)For years we’ve had the constant push/ pull - I completely get that I enable this behaviour. I think the anger was because I felt like he was making me out to be a liar (he put me on speakerphone for his mum to hear and denied he did any of this, he just said all I did was spend some time with you and the kids) from the outside this is completely plausible but I feel like there was more to it. I’ve never asked him to come back or spend time with him and was upset that he basically got me down and bought disruption and conflict to my life. I look back at it and think I fell for it again when will I learn!

[livednlearned]

I would look at these intense emotions as signs.

If there was childhood abuse it might be helpful to start noticing sensations and from there label your emotions. "My breathing is shallow and my jaw is clenched."

Make that the point of the exercise versus "did I fall for it" or "I never learn."

By the time you lash out there are probably a thousand small signals, each one getting more noticeable until you are flooded with emotion.

[B53]

E,
 I wouldn't worry about him making you look bad to others. It's just a matter of time until he turns on them.

You might also want to read some posts on the forum
Romantic Relationships/Detaching and Learning After a Failed Relationship

you might find some good advice there too.

B53