When you and your spouse have differing views on how to deal with bp adult child

[Lady W]

Hi,
I am brand new to this forum and have a 28-yr-old daughter who is undiagnosed, but I believe may have bpd or bipolar disorder or both. My daughter graduated from college, but has not been able to hold a job—all of which were minimum wage jobs— for more than a few months at a time. I think Covid exacerbated her tendency to rage at bosses and roommates, because she ended up having to move back home, because she had no place else to go. She lasted about 4 weeks being pleasant to us, and then she holed up in her room, rarely came out, began smoking pot in her bedroom, and, when confronted with the latter issue, accused me of not caring that she was suicidal. Then everything became about how selfish I was and how her dad and I hated her. Needless to say, she is now living elsewhere on our dime. My problem is that, after 10 years of being the selfish and stupid mother and after being accused for 10 years of making her feel unsafe, I am done trying. My husband, though, feels strongly that she is incapable of caring for herself and needs our financial and emotional support. How realistic is it for one parent to want to be involved and the other parent to be estranged—without it hurting our marriage?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Momundone]

We have the same issue but husband wants to cut all support. As we near retirement we need to be putting our money aside for our future. I know I can’t fix our son and he refuses any therapy, support groups etc. it is straining our relationship.

[Isabel2]

A little background - My husband and I were not on the same page for several years.  We got married a few years ago and both come from marriages where our former spouses suffered from mental illnesses.  Needless to say neither one of us wants to repeat being an enabler nor living with the abuse that comes along with that type of dysfunctional relationship. With a child it is even more difficult. I think for a long time my husband did not want to see the behaviors that were developing in our oldest child, his biological daughter, during her adolescent years.  I come from a family with many mental health workers, my husband does not.  So many of the behaviors that I identified as dysfunctional he just thought were normal teenage behaviors.  So, we read many books and went to counseling which helped get us on the same page on how to deal with some of the behaviors.  We try to look at each decision on what is best for us, our other children and also what will help encourage our dBPDd to get help and be more independent.  It is not perfect...our daughter is 18 and is in college but will not get a job nor a license, go to counseling, nor basically take any step towards independence where we are not taking care of her.  So, we are currently try to set up boundaries to force her to take some of those steps prior to (hopefully) graduating college.       

I think it is very hard on a marriage to not approach this complex situation in a united manner.  I am not sure what steps you and your husband have taken but here is what we have done to try to be on the same page and decrease the strain on our marriage.  We actually have a written "adult contract" with our dBPDd that we can refer to as to what are our boundaries and what support we will offer.  She does try to push the boundaries and we are struggling with some but a least my husband and I are pretty clear on our stance.
1. reading a lot of books to really understand the BPD behaviors and emotions and also understand the dynamics of emotional and psychological abuse to identify it and not fall trap /be in the FOG by some of those behaviors.
2. Go to a counselor together.  For big decisions or where maybe we disagree on boundaries we discuss them with a counselor who helps us decide what is fair and best for us, the other kids and our dBPDd.  We now just go on an "as needed" basis when big decisions arise.  It is difficult to think clearly about issues and boundaries when you are very emotionally involved so a third party was excellent in helping us.
3. One book we read really talked about selective support and helping your adult child but not making them comfortable living off of you.  So, if you have to move your adult child out and pay for them just pay for a basic apartment with a mattress on the floor and a few dishes. Provide them the basics to live but do not make it comfortable to just live off of you. That might help encourage them to take on some adult responsibilities and get help.
3. Lastly, I like how many people on here say...you are just as important as the person with BPD...so we really do try to look at making decisions that are fair for EVERYONE in the family and how it impacts all 5 of us.   

[beatricex]

Hi LadyW,
How realistic is it for one parent to want to be involved and the other parent to be estranged—without it hurting our marriage?

In my view, it is not realistic.  When my step daughter raged at her father, he then raged at me.  I immediately called a marriage counselor and had an appointment the next week.  His behavior, while "uncharacteristic" was not acceptable to me and I didn't want it to happen again.  Because she hurts, she rages at him, then he hurts and he raged at me (only once, because the counselor helped us).  Think of the counselor as a triage nurse. 

Because my Mom is borderline, I can speak with authority on it, and it's hard for my husband to argue with me.  I also convinced him that we need "tools" and we've both signed up for Family Connections NEA-BPD (there is a long wait list so we're still waiting for the virtual classes to start).  It was actually a pretty easy sell, since my Mom is borderline, and aging, and I said if we don't use the tools with his adult daughter, they will always come in handy with my Mom.

I believe that life is too short to live in an abusive relationship, I didn't marry either one of his daughters, I married him.  We have created a "marriage bubble."  That is where you support the person you're married to, before anyone else.  This concept is explained better in the book Wired for Love, which we read together at the advice of our counselor.

good luck, and please check back in here

b

[Lollypop]

Hi ladyW

I think you have to find a united front. That may not be your view or his - but a mid-way point. New territory. Nothing is black or white.

I think you’re both right to a degree. I totally get it!  each of our situations are unique and what worked for us may not work for others.

For what it’s worth I was faced with the same decision. In our situation my husband was extremely resentful of our son but couldn’t throw him out. I was the enabler and fixer. I was hurting badly.

I found this forum, took a cold hard look at ourselves and our roles in the situation. I got to work. I simply wasn’t prepared to financially support an adult child Indefinitely. On that, we could agree. It’s about problem solving.

I told him “I’m going to try something new. Nothing has ever worked. We can’t carry on like this”.  He agreed with the last two statements but had no faith in the first. He quietly criticised me at every step but slowly, slowly had to admit that things were really improving.

You  can become the parents your daughter needs right now. She needs you to be strong and united (in front of her). If you aren’t, her bpd behaviours will play you against one another and the cycle continues. She has you at her rhythm.

Can I suggest one way might be for you find a way to agree on setting something in place where she’s stable (roof and food) for a period of time. Not extras, as she needs to learn how to provide for herself.

You can both learn how to be more  emotionally distant from her because right now it sounds like you’re at different stages. It takes some work to stay focussed on the facts. Our adult children may not currently have the life skills to function but they must learn them. They have to learn how to live their own life with their limitations.

We can help by providing some stability if we choose to...but it takes saintly patience and focus on the priorities. For us, our son had no financial management skills. Without these we were setting him up to fail. We gave him free bed and board only. He owned nothing, not even a car.  We didn’t give him a penny, No cash, no mobile phone payment, no cigarettes, nothing but bed and board.  He finally got some work and slowly, slowly he learnt how to manage his money.

We are now financially independent from son. We are retiring early. By hook or by crook it can be done. It’s down to you taking control over this situation. Your life should not revolve around her, but yourselves. But it takes many many baby steps, better boundaries and limits  and many new interaction skills that you can learn here.

LP

[carole57]

Hello, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through because my story with my daughter and myself could not be more identical, down to every single detail. However the enabling party is her grandfather, my father. The more he does for her the more she hates me. I have done everything I know how to be a loving and giving mother, but nothing is ever good enough. My heart is broken and the pain never really seems to go away. All I can do is ask myself why... I pray for you and your family, no loving parent should ever have to feel this way. xo