I don’t think I can do this much more..

[IfNotForYou]

At the first glimmer of hope in this relationship it is followed by 5 steps back. I’m worn out. I try to just put a few days of peace between us after days of being shut out, blocked, ignored...and no sooner than a day or two in I’m catching an attitude over the smallest thing. Explosion. Yelling to follow. I try to remain calm and give it an hour or so. Come back and say talk calmly to me. I can’t do anything if I’m being yelled at. No avail. I get more blame or shut out. 3 more days pass. A small attitude grows into a storm. Now I’m hurt and resentful. Now when talked to in any form I have 3 days of resentment under my belt. I try to explain. Still no avail. I’m human. It boils over. I start yelling out of pure frustration. This goes nowhere. Topics on topics from the past get thrown at me. Things that may not even be true. At this point I can’t even dodge or remember what happen that got us here to begin with. Multiply this routine by at least 300. This is my life.

I’m at the point that I’m thinking I may be the one with BPD. I can’t tell which end is up or down anymore. I’m not perfect. I’ve tried to admit this much. Gets me nowhere. Something is definitely not right in this relationship but I’m starting to develop Stockholm. I’m questioning everything I’ve ever done in our years together. Rationalizing, saying maybe I should have done that differently. Then I stop and think, maybe a normal person would have just listened or communicated with me properly and we would have agreed to move on and both learned from it. I don’t know anymore..

Every time I feel a shred of hope with my wife, I’m taken right back to dysfunction a day or two later. I have no sense of security in this marriage or life. There is nothing reliable about it. I can’t come home after a hard day and feel peace or explain and talk and have a healthy relationship with my partner. I’m drained. All my needs are put aside but all my wife can repeat is that all her needs are not met and haven’t been for ten years. Everything in extremes. No middle ground. No calm rational talks. Ever.

She’s undiagnosed. I see all the signs and have for years but I’m at the point that maybe we just never where right for eachother. Maybe she is just normal and we just suck together. Without an actual diagnosis it’s all just speculation on my part. And there lies the dilemma. “Hey honey can you go get checked out to see if you have BPD.?”

I love her. I do. I care for her immensely. But I’m slowly dying on the inside from this song and dance and I see no change on the horizon. She can’t even calmly talk to me about anything anymore. We were supposed to both give the month of December our full effort to see if we wanted to remain married come the new year. We had about 1.5 weeks of peace so far. It’s lookin like we may split come the new year. I’m not sure I can disagree anymore if this is all we will ever be. It’s no existence for either of us. We have a house and a life we created together. All that will have to be dealt with and I don’t even know how I’m gonna get a rational conversation out of her. No kids luckily. I don’t say that cause it is a bad thing, but clearly it would complicate things way more. In fact that topic was thrown in my face just today. How I wasted all her child baring years. I never intentionally wasted anything. I was scared to have kids with her ..but thats a whole other topic.

I understand empathy goes a long way. Listening. My problem is I can’t allow myself to continually not be heard and just listen to her complaints. I feel like a punching bag and I’m sick of living like this.

I don’t know the point to this rant. I’m just venting. I’m stuck. I want us to be happy especially now during the holidays and it’s looking like it may never be. That it may have always been built on a lie. My head is spinning anymore..

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[IfNotForYou]

Ps. I just want to add that I wrote that during an incredibly trying day/moment in our relationship. I try to be pretty level headed but today just came to a boil for me and all I could think to do was eventually jump on here and vent my frustrations.

I hate that I still have such a hard time resisting an argument. I know I should not JADE.. but I just get sucked in at times out of pure frustration. -Such an exhausting roller coaster ride at times.

Thanks for letting me vent. I’m a bit calmer now and trying to remember I have to stay very aware throughout this

[once removed]

two questions:

1. what stage of relationship breakdown would you say you and your wife are in: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

it sounds like things have really come to a head.

theres a lot of fighting...having said that, even in the best of times, that may be the case.

what, primarily, has come between the two of you in relatively recent years? what is boiling underneath the surface?