Christmas Plans with borderline sister

[ado.blc]

I just read a story about a girl whose sister has the borderline disorder and I relate to every word of that report. My sister and I have always had a tough relationship. Our childhood was marked by our constant fights, so for me, we were never really close friends. 2 years ago I started doing therapy mainly because of some of my parent's issues and her behavior. After a year of describing her attitudes, my therapist suggested that she might be a borderline. It's been a while since this diagnosis (suggestion), and things got only worse. In 2020 she threatened suicide more than once and the idea that I get from her crisis is that she is only making it to manipulate me and my parents to get the attention she wants. This feeling only makes me want to be away from her even more. After I have these thoughts I feel guilty and try to think of her as a sick person that needs my help. That's the only logical way possible. She started doing therapy but things didn't get any better since then. I heard that her therapist suggested her to see a psychiatrist also, but she has mentioned before that she refuses to take any medication.

My 2 last Christmas were horrible. One she humiliated me in front of a friend because I forgot the key of our Airbnb in someplace I have been on that day. I went back, took the key and everything was ok again but the stress, humiliation, and fear I will never forget. Last New Years I was at the beach with my parents, her and an aunt. Someday I asked my parents if I could invite a friends couple over and they said yes right away. But my sister said she didn't want them to come, for any logical reason. She then started texting us (because my aunt was there), threatening to go back home if my friends showed up. We just ignored her texts and when the visit day came she refused to greed them and continued with the threats. She was saying that If I didn't ask them to leave until a timetable she picked, she would pack her things and go back home. We continued ignoring her and than she finally packed her things and said she was leaving, in a very dramatic way. At that point, my dad, that is not the calmest person, lost his patience and almost broke her suitcase to make her stay. They should have let her go. Anyway... spend the next days of the trip having to listen that all this was my fault because I invited my friends in the first place.

I am writing this because it's almost Christmas and I decided It would be better for me and my emotional/mental health to not spend Christmas eve with my parents and her. Not because of our personal discussions, because lately, I have been creating a strategy to not discuss with her anymore. But I want to be away from the general violent environment that my family is in right now. I made this decision because my dad mentioned to me a couple of weeks ago that this year was really tough for him and if there were going to be constant fights during the next weeks, he was going to spend it somewhere else. So, I thought about it and made my decision, talked to my parents about it and they seemed reasonable and agreed that I should do what was best for me. But when I mentioned it to my sister... CHAOS. Yesterday I received a text from her saying I ruined Christmas. It's been 2 days since I am avoiding her and I have to put a lot of mental strength to not feel guilty about it.

[nomoreeggs]

Hi, ado.blc,

I hope you are proud of yourself for making the really challenging decision to not spend Christmas in an environment that is unhealthy and unsafe for you. I would never want to assume anything, so I will just tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes and this was going on for me (my mom has bpd). I would probably use a strategy from my therapist called cope ahead (a part of radical acceptance). What this means is I imagine things that are going to likely happen, and I plan to handle them. So I might say, "Oh, my sister is going to text me more mean things about Christmas and continue to try to manipulate me into going. I'm going to block her number until after the holidays so that I am not forced to read those messages on a daily basis." (This could also look like just immediately deleting the texts without reading, or turning the conversation with her on mute so you aren't getting notifications.) I would also be planning ways to spoil myself with some self-care because I know that guilt/shame/sadness will probably come up for me over the next few days missing Christmas. (For me this looks like lighting candles, doing a face mask, taking a hot bath, long walks without my phone, etc.)

The other thing my therapist has helped me work on is recognizing what is and is not "my stuff." I actually just recently decided to stop having any relationship with my mom - long story - but as I was considering this decision, I was feeling guilty and imagining her crying and sad and alone. And my therapist asked me - whose stuff is that? Whose responsibility is it? (I'm still working through this but it helps me to recognize and say out loud - I cannot control her feelings, her actions. I can only control me.)

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts over the next few days and hope you are able to find some peace and joy in the midst of the storm you are experiencing.