Questioning longevity and health of marriage

[jazzybelle]

Hi Everyone. I hope you all are enjoying this holiday season. I am so grateful to have found this community.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 10. A few months before we were married, he was admitted into a psych hospital after a breakdown. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and later undiagnosed. Now it is BPD. As the days, months pass (in covid land), it is getting increasingly more difficult to maintain what I think is a healthy relationship. He is very paranoid at work and at home. He believes his bosses and myself are emoting negative feelings and expressions and his mood swings are very severe and seem to be occurring more and more often. I am often the target of silent treatments which occur for days at a time, vindictive and manipulative behaviors if he felt he was wronged and I truly am having a hard time remaining tolerant and level headed in these situations. It goes without saying that I am not perfect and I can have a temper - especially when these instances occur, but I really need coping skills for my peace of mind, his and our daughter. She is 2 and I do not want her to absorb this behavior or our negative interactions. That is the gist of it. Any advice?

If you would like further examples, please continue.

I recently got my drivers licence and when encouraged by him to drive, we have a huge fight 90% of the time because he says that I don't listen or trust him. He blows up and gets a dead stare in his eye and doesn't speak the rest of the day

Silent treatments for 2-3 days plus when he feels he is wronged. He says he wants to teach me a lesson until I understand why he is upset. It is usually because he feels like I did not listen to him or was too defensive. (The way I view it is a conversation or a back and forth, but he sees it as me just not listening).

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

As you well know, these relationships aren’t easy. Here’s a short video on ending conflict https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

It’s frustrating but the responsibility for navigating these relationships ends up with the “non” partner. We need to be the emotional leader because otherwise our partners won’t do that.

Covid certainly has stressed out everyone, healthy people as well as people with personality disorders.

Silent treatment is an abusive tactic. Many of our members have been able to reframe it and enjoy it as alone time, but certainly it does not lead to furthering a healthy relationship.

What you have to do is to take care of your own emotions as best as you can. You already realize that you have little power to change him, but you can change how you respond. Sometimes that little shift in focus can overall change the relationship dynamic and lead to healthier patterns.