First Holiday Away From My BPD Daughter--We're Estranged, 1500 Miles Apart

[msleah]

This past year has been exceptionally hard for many people. It has been hell for me, as well.

My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in August, 2019, and our lives went into a tailspin. Last March, we sold our little vacation condo and moved from WA state to Arizona. Fortunately, real estate down here was cheap enough that we were able to pay cash for our house. My husband is unable to work.

Our BPD daughter (my husband's stepdaughter) lives in Portland, OR. We used to see her every Christmas. Of course, when she lived in our house, she spent the holidays with us, but after she moved out on her own, she came home for Christmas, as well. I'm not super traditional, by any means, but I always did my best to make the holidays as pleasant as possible.

H is very resourceful for a person with BPD, and functions quite well, until she doesn't. She has had several cutting incidents and at least one suicide attempt.

Last summer, after my husband and I moved to AZ, she became upset because I found out she had started smoking and I criticized her for it. My mother and first husband both died from smoking, and my husband has cancer, so I was quite angry.

This was the last straw for her, and she cut off contact with both of us. Three months later, she started corresponding with my husband, with whom she wasn't angry. She had made it clear to me before our split that she blamed me for her BPD, that I had been abusive her whole life, and that she'd wanted to sever contact with me for a long while.

She resumed contact with me a month later, stressing that she was only doing it for my husband's sake. Needless to say, our ensuing emails were a bit strained, but I did my best to keep my tone upbeat and to avoid anything that smacked of criticism. Her emails to my husband were friendlier. But I figured something was better than nothing.

We sent her a small Christmas gift, and had to write to her three different times to make sure she received it. Finally she sent my husband an email to thank us. That email was over two weeks ago, and we haven't heard from her since. She doesn't have a phone, has blocked us on Facebook and Instagram, and is about as hard to get ahold of as a person can be.

I don't know whether to be worried or angry. We have no way of reaching her. I imagine this Christmas was very difficult for her, with the pandemic and the lack of any celebration. I don't know if she saw her bio-dad or not. He lives in WA, but he hates me and pities my husband and refuses to speak to either of us. So contacting him will do no good.

I guess this is typical BPD stuff, but I am hurt and angry and worried. Any tips?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[formflier]

I'm curious to know more about your reaction to her smoking. 

How many conversations/communications were there about this?  How did this end (or did it)

At this point I'm not sure if it is relevant but it appears to be a turning point in your relationship.  (would you agree?)
Best,

FF

[beatricex]

hi msleah,
In my experience, one can be criticizing their smoking, or their sister's cocaine habit, in either case, they paint you black.

It's OK for them to judge us, but not us them (or anyone they value as their bestie). 

If it helps, I didn't raise my BPD'd step daughter, have had probably only ten 3D interactions with her total in almost 7 years, and I'm still the bad guy.  Don't take any of it personally, that's my advice to you.  Oh, and in the past 7 years, due to her overreacting to texts I wrote her and/or her sister, I've had to block her the majority of those years.  Currently, both my husband (her bio Dad) and I have her blocked.

Yes, it's sad to spend Christmas alone.  I wonder if they think about their actions at all, or just stew and think it's all [painted black's] fault?

 

b

[msleah]

Hello again, Formflier:

Good to see you again. I have been off this site for a couple of months, taking care of myself and my husband.

My argument about my daughter last summer about her smoking was indeed the catalyst for our initial estrangement. She claimed I'd criticized her and had unchecked meltdowns her whole life. When I pointed out that she was the one who usually had meltdowns, she claimed I drove her to it.

There is no arguing with a BPD person. You will always be the villain.

After we resumed contact this fall, I kept everything light and non-confrontational. This has been a herculean effort for me, but I've done my best. We haven't argued since then, so that's something.

She did finally write back late last night. I found her email this morning. She apologized for not contacting me sooner and sent a photo of a cat she wants to adopt. Well, okay. Generally, you reach out to your parents on the actual holiday, but this past year has been a lesson in diminished expectations (covid has really helped with that--ha).

I'm just glad Christmas is over.

[msleah]

Beatricex:

Good to see you again, as well.

I do wonder how much time BPD people spend ruminating about their own actions, instead of just stewing about other peoples' bad behavior. If they took the time to think, "Well, Mom (or whoever) was having a bad day, but so was I, and we both said a few things we probably shouldn't have", it might be a bit easier for them to see their own role in their less-than-pleasant interactions. But they never seem to do this. At least, not very often.

I think this would be somewhat easier for me if she was my stepdaughter, especially if I hadn't spent much time with her. But since she's my biological daughter, it hurts a lot.

Either way, pretty darn painful. Good luck with your stepdaughter. She sounds like a handful.

[formflier]

My argument about my daughter last summer about her smoking was indeed the catalyst for our initial estrangement.  

We are just getting to know each other so I want to make sure I understand what you are saying...in the way you intend me to understand it.

What was it about the smoking issue that led to the estrangement?  Was this one conversation or several?  How long has she been a smoker?  

After we resumed contact this fall, I kept everything light and non-confrontational. This has been a herculean effort for me, but I've done my best. We haven't argued since then, so that's something.

I'm trying to understand how not arguing and staying light and non-confrontational is a herculean effort.  I would think not arguing would be relaxing or less stressful than arguing.  

Are you normally a confrontational person? (perhaps "direct" is a better word than confrontational)

Best,

FF

[msleah]

Formflier:

Actually, the two of us have interacted quite a bit on one of my other threads. You're quite active on here, and talk with a lot of folks, so I'm sure it's easy to forget who I am. I'm the gal with a husband who has stage 4 cancer, who lives in Arizona, whose BPD daughter was arrested last summer for her participation in BLM protests in Portland (the charges were dropped, by the way).

I didn't know about my daughter's smoking until last summer, when she posted an original drawing on her Instagram page of her enjoying cigarettes with her bio-dad. She was trying to sell copies of it to raise cash for one of the many causes she cares about. Honest to God. I forget to which organization she intended to donate the money. Obviously, not the American Cancer Society...

I confronted her via instant message -- calmly at first, then with increasing irritation as she stonewalled and stopped responding at all. This was literally the only confrontation we've had about this matter. She cut off communication shortly thereafter, and when we resumed contact, I didn't bring it up again.

Yeah, I tend to be direct, and she leans towards deflection and passive-aggressive silence. Obviously, two very different communication styles. But the real reason why I have trouble not confronting her is because she has been so damn insensitive. First, telling me she only wants to talk to me because my husband (her stepdad) is ill, then ignoring us both on Christmas, etc. I spend a lot of time focusing on just letting everything go.

It's a lesson I'm sure I'll keep learning for a long while.

[beatricex]

In my experience, it is not so much directness that sets them off, it's that they're allowed to criticize but we're not.  Btw, I have a lot of experience with Borderlines, as my mom is also BPD'd.

I post on this thread, for those with daughters, and the other thread, for those with a parent who is borderline.  One thing that I see that's different, and take this with a grain of salt if not helpful - those with borderline mothers can walk away.  Those with borderline daughters/sons, seem to keep beating themselves up about their kids' behavoir.  I tried to save my mom, but not as much as I see people trying to save their kids...

I'm just saying that nothing is personal with your borderline, they don't see us anyway, and rarely have empathy.  To have a relationship with one, things must become transactional.

Appealing to their sense of right/wrong, really sets them off as they are moral superior beings, and it's probably their only source of self esteem (that I can see anyway).

[Swimmy55]

Glad to hear from you again! 
You are on the right track with those lowered expectations, even though it doesn't feel like it.

Don't magnify and pile on any perceived mistakes you think you made with her .  I, too, ruminate over these to death.  You are human and you are allowed.
 
The positive spin is that she did communicate with you, even though belatedly and not on subject. 
I know you have a massive amount on your plate, but if you can squeeze in some self care by way of an online 12 step program meeting for families of some sort( alanon, codependents anonymous, etc), it would help with detaching from her actions.  They are free, they last for an hour( although you are not obligated to stay the whole hour) ; there are a lot of online meetings available
at different times of day/evening and all you have to do is click on the link and you're in.  These have been a life saver for me. There was one week I went to an online nar anon meeting every night for a week.  I also went to one on Christmas Day.  Wonderful resource. 

[Resiliant]

Bea said

Those with borderline daughters/sons, seem to keep beating themselves up about their kids' behavoir.

Thanks for bringing this up.  It is so true and I am one of them.   

There are a few reasons:

1.  We believe it is our job to raise our children to become self-reliant and responsible adults.   When we see things going awry, we try therapies of all types and read books and join support groups etc.   When our adult children are still not the self-reliant and responsible adults that we tried to create, we feel like our job isn't finished yet. 

2.  Despite the pain, our children have also brought us immense joy.   We have seen a side of them that is beautiful.  They do have a light that shines, and although their difficulties overshadow it we know it is there.  It breaks our hearts to see them suffering and we are always hopeful and working towards the times where we can see that beautiful light shine.   This is something we can't kiss better, but we want to soo badly. 

3.  Lasty there are the guilt trips.   Those suffering with mental difficulties hurt the ones they love the most, and in our case it is usually us.  In trying to hear and understand them we have to work hard not to accept the ticket for those trips.  We have to learn to stay off the emotional roller coaster.   I think this part is easier than #1 and #2.

That's my 2 cents

R